From the wisdom of the ancients (that is a recent fortune cookie I opened yesterday) I found the following:
"TO SEE YOUR DRAMA CLEARLY IS TO BE LIBERATED FROM IT"
What better closure to my last reflection on family? Once liberated from our "dramas" we can progress in our relationships together.
Peace.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Reflections on a Family Gathering
I grew up with both movie and television depictions of family. They were as lovely as they were unreal. Families are complex, people in them have struggles and problems and children and grief and sorrow and … yes, joy and comfort sautéed with forgiveness and a sense of deep connection! As some members of my extended family assembled this past week, I was feeling a bit anxious. Three years ago, a deep and sorrowful tragedy had brought us together from the center and coasts of America – the death of my eldest son's first-born child, Allison, at 19 years of age in a single-car automobile accident. From our deep grief as a family, we began to make connections again – to set aside the past and engage in forgiveness and reconciliation. It was family and friends that uplifted my son and his wife and their three remaining children. And to many in our blended family it was a moment of faith and hope and the possibility of a future together.
If we pay attention to our families there are a great number of things we can learn about life and love. This week, at our first effort at a family “get-together,” I learned some important things: we all have images and expectations of what family should be, as parents and as children, but most of us have found that what we wanted never quite jibed with what we got. But looking at what we got, what we have, is it enough? And, most importantly can it grow better? In the end, is family worth the work it requires?
So my three learnings during this visit of most of my large and extended family for most of a week were these: first of all – it’s worth the work! To me, there is the absolute importance of faith – my faith, not necessarily theirs. A faith that is persistent and can “walk the talk” – when we tell a family member we love them, it must be forever, through “thick and thin,” through pain, hostility, anger. I learned that eventually it pays off. Love trumps!
The second learning was the importance of forgiveness and especially asking for my children’s forgiveness when I have failed them. Without forgiveness, life simply cannot progress, cannot go forward. The lack of forgiveness cripples us and binds us to anger, constant recrimination, and picking scabs off old wounds. We cannot change what has happened in our lives. I was a much better parent after I had figured out how to do it. My elder children were parented by a boy in his twenties. My younger children were parented by a man in his forties. There was a big difference. It is the acts of forgiveness and understanding that frees us and enables us to go forward into life without carrying the heavy and crippling burden of pain, anger and bitterness with us. Forgiveness means the offense we suffered no longer conditions our relationship with the person who offended us. Simply said, without constantly forgiving those with whom we are in a loving relationship there is, in effect, no relationship -- and it is going nowhere.
The third learning I had is seeing the power in moving forward – persistently moving forward in our journey. As faith and forgiveness prepare the ground, it is persistence (even tenacious persistence) that makes it all work. Moving forward is the continuous act of trying to improve the quality and character of our lives. As a man of faith it is trying to bring about God's reign on earth.
I am committed to being in relationship with my children and grandchildren. If I am to grow into patriarchy, be father and grandfather to my “clan,” in consort with my wife, be true to that which I believe, then the responsibility is on me, with God’s help, to let the loving light of Christ shine through me – through my darkness, through my failures, through my disappointments and through my hurt. I ask no more of them. Thus, I am eternally thankful for the gift that was given to me this week!
Sometimes those who marry into a family become important family players – not connected by biology but by choice. One of my daughters-in-law gave me a biblical “word of knowledge” for this week. She knew it had been years since her husband had closely interacted with many of his eight siblings. She knew I was praying for God’s lovingkindness to pour out on all of us. The Word she gave me was “integrity.” Integrity is “the quality or state of being of sound moral principle; uprightness, honesty, and sincerity.” To be Christian man or woman of integrity is to live a life that is reflective of Jesus Christ – to be sound and whole – to “practice what you preach.” Integrity is a powerful word because it is the essence of who you are.
Now you or I will never be perfect; we will always be lacking, always falling short, but the man and woman of integrity pushes on, is not caught in what I call the three religious “bugaboos:” mean-spiritness, judgmentalism, and hypocrisy! Instead, we, who call ourselves Christian, are to walk in faith; to love others as Christ loved us. We are to seek forgiveness when we hurt others, and we are to move forward and act in the world to move God’s hopes and plans for us a little bit closer to becoming a reality.
My prayer is that my children and I can move forward into the coming years with a sense of integrity in our relationships which are marked by lovingkindness, openness, trust, forgiveness, and mutual joy.
What does a good relationship consist of between adult family members? The image I have is the relationship many of us have with our cousins – a family of cousins – related, but not burdened with childhood hurts, disappointments, and unrealistic expectations. Instead, relationships marked by adult love, understanding, and joy in our connections.
May God give us strength and blessing to be the men and women he has created us to be – fathers, mothers, sons and daughters -- loving FRIENDS!
And to those who could not make it -- you were in our constant thoughts and prayers.
If we pay attention to our families there are a great number of things we can learn about life and love. This week, at our first effort at a family “get-together,” I learned some important things: we all have images and expectations of what family should be, as parents and as children, but most of us have found that what we wanted never quite jibed with what we got. But looking at what we got, what we have, is it enough? And, most importantly can it grow better? In the end, is family worth the work it requires?
So my three learnings during this visit of most of my large and extended family for most of a week were these: first of all – it’s worth the work! To me, there is the absolute importance of faith – my faith, not necessarily theirs. A faith that is persistent and can “walk the talk” – when we tell a family member we love them, it must be forever, through “thick and thin,” through pain, hostility, anger. I learned that eventually it pays off. Love trumps!
The second learning was the importance of forgiveness and especially asking for my children’s forgiveness when I have failed them. Without forgiveness, life simply cannot progress, cannot go forward. The lack of forgiveness cripples us and binds us to anger, constant recrimination, and picking scabs off old wounds. We cannot change what has happened in our lives. I was a much better parent after I had figured out how to do it. My elder children were parented by a boy in his twenties. My younger children were parented by a man in his forties. There was a big difference. It is the acts of forgiveness and understanding that frees us and enables us to go forward into life without carrying the heavy and crippling burden of pain, anger and bitterness with us. Forgiveness means the offense we suffered no longer conditions our relationship with the person who offended us. Simply said, without constantly forgiving those with whom we are in a loving relationship there is, in effect, no relationship -- and it is going nowhere.
The third learning I had is seeing the power in moving forward – persistently moving forward in our journey. As faith and forgiveness prepare the ground, it is persistence (even tenacious persistence) that makes it all work. Moving forward is the continuous act of trying to improve the quality and character of our lives. As a man of faith it is trying to bring about God's reign on earth.
I am committed to being in relationship with my children and grandchildren. If I am to grow into patriarchy, be father and grandfather to my “clan,” in consort with my wife, be true to that which I believe, then the responsibility is on me, with God’s help, to let the loving light of Christ shine through me – through my darkness, through my failures, through my disappointments and through my hurt. I ask no more of them. Thus, I am eternally thankful for the gift that was given to me this week!
Sometimes those who marry into a family become important family players – not connected by biology but by choice. One of my daughters-in-law gave me a biblical “word of knowledge” for this week. She knew it had been years since her husband had closely interacted with many of his eight siblings. She knew I was praying for God’s lovingkindness to pour out on all of us. The Word she gave me was “integrity.” Integrity is “the quality or state of being of sound moral principle; uprightness, honesty, and sincerity.” To be Christian man or woman of integrity is to live a life that is reflective of Jesus Christ – to be sound and whole – to “practice what you preach.” Integrity is a powerful word because it is the essence of who you are.
Now you or I will never be perfect; we will always be lacking, always falling short, but the man and woman of integrity pushes on, is not caught in what I call the three religious “bugaboos:” mean-spiritness, judgmentalism, and hypocrisy! Instead, we, who call ourselves Christian, are to walk in faith; to love others as Christ loved us. We are to seek forgiveness when we hurt others, and we are to move forward and act in the world to move God’s hopes and plans for us a little bit closer to becoming a reality.
My prayer is that my children and I can move forward into the coming years with a sense of integrity in our relationships which are marked by lovingkindness, openness, trust, forgiveness, and mutual joy.
What does a good relationship consist of between adult family members? The image I have is the relationship many of us have with our cousins – a family of cousins – related, but not burdened with childhood hurts, disappointments, and unrealistic expectations. Instead, relationships marked by adult love, understanding, and joy in our connections.
May God give us strength and blessing to be the men and women he has created us to be – fathers, mothers, sons and daughters -- loving FRIENDS!
And to those who could not make it -- you were in our constant thoughts and prayers.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Summer Musings...
This morning I was talking to a pastor-friend of mine. He had been asked to officiate at a memorial service by the son of the deceased man -- a man who did not consider himself to be religious or profess a faith. These are always tough spiritual assignments for clergy -- it is at the occasion of both weddings and funerals when the "unchurched" present themselves.
When a clergyperson stands up to address those present at either of these two occasions I always sense a tension in the assembly. The tension is there because who of us has not sat through a painful sermon on these occasions? On top of that, as I reminded a group of assembled Christians the other day, "Before we pray, let us be reminded that those outside of our faith consider us to be mean-spirited, judgmental, and hypocritical... now how can we not be like that?"
Now back to the memorial service of a man who did not profess a religion:
I suggested my friend might say something like this: "We all might not be religious, but most of us i would guess would ourselves 'spiritual.' What does that mean? To me, to be spiritual is to be open to the Spirit... to acknowledge there is an "other;" something outside u and greater than we are. Perhaps it's just being open to and humble in the world.
"I happen to be a Christian... that means that I seek the Other through Jesus. Jesus is my way. He may not be yours... but that doesn't mean God's work in you is in any way negated. I do not consider it my life's work to convert you -- my life's work is to try to live as I believe -- and that's more than enough work for me!
"I believe, and my Holy Scriptures tell me that God created each one of us -- all of us -- in God's image. Those of us who are religious or spiritual try to seek and know the Spirit that emanates from God. We also know that we must also to seek the "God-image" in the one another. In the process of seeing God in others we can more realistically work for peace in the world.
"Today, we come together to remember a man in whom God's image was planted. As we all have this "imprintation," we all have a piece of God in us.
"I didn't know him whom we are memorializing. I never met him, but I do know his son who is here with us today (and I see this imprinting of both God and his father in him).
"Now I would like to stop talking and sit down and listen to you, those of you who knew and loved this man. I would like to hear what you remember most about him and how you saw God's light/image shine through him...."
And sit down.
Have a blessed summer. For you men, remember the retreat coming up next month at the MacKenzie Center near Poynette, WI (September 17-19). It is a great spiritual retreat and I guarantee it will change your life for the better!
When a clergyperson stands up to address those present at either of these two occasions I always sense a tension in the assembly. The tension is there because who of us has not sat through a painful sermon on these occasions? On top of that, as I reminded a group of assembled Christians the other day, "Before we pray, let us be reminded that those outside of our faith consider us to be mean-spirited, judgmental, and hypocritical... now how can we not be like that?"
Now back to the memorial service of a man who did not profess a religion:
I suggested my friend might say something like this: "We all might not be religious, but most of us i would guess would ourselves 'spiritual.' What does that mean? To me, to be spiritual is to be open to the Spirit... to acknowledge there is an "other;" something outside u and greater than we are. Perhaps it's just being open to and humble in the world.
"I happen to be a Christian... that means that I seek the Other through Jesus. Jesus is my way. He may not be yours... but that doesn't mean God's work in you is in any way negated. I do not consider it my life's work to convert you -- my life's work is to try to live as I believe -- and that's more than enough work for me!
"I believe, and my Holy Scriptures tell me that God created each one of us -- all of us -- in God's image. Those of us who are religious or spiritual try to seek and know the Spirit that emanates from God. We also know that we must also to seek the "God-image" in the one another. In the process of seeing God in others we can more realistically work for peace in the world.
"Today, we come together to remember a man in whom God's image was planted. As we all have this "imprintation," we all have a piece of God in us.
"I didn't know him whom we are memorializing. I never met him, but I do know his son who is here with us today (and I see this imprinting of both God and his father in him).
"Now I would like to stop talking and sit down and listen to you, those of you who knew and loved this man. I would like to hear what you remember most about him and how you saw God's light/image shine through him...."
And sit down.
Have a blessed summer. For you men, remember the retreat coming up next month at the MacKenzie Center near Poynette, WI (September 17-19). It is a great spiritual retreat and I guarantee it will change your life for the better!
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