Talking About Pornography

The subject today is pornography. When Sabine and I taught The Marriage Course a few years ago we said that a man’s problem in marriage was pornography and a woman’s problem was with fantasy. I told the men that pornography causes us to objectify women and that when we are into pornography our wives often feel betrayed and disregarded.


But at the time, it didn’t seem to me at the time that is was such a big problem. I mean, just don't do it. But I was wrong. A great number (most?) men struggle today with pornography. Why? Because of its easy availability on the internet. If it wasn’t for the internet, most men would not want to be seen walking into an X-rated book store – their self-respect and the possibility of being seen by others used to make pornography difficult to obtain. Not so anymore. And why I know I was wrong about the danger of pornography came about after reading Dr. Norman Doidge’s book last week, The Brain That Changes Itself (Penguin Books, 2007).

The chief danger of pornography isn’t obvious to most users at first. After all, what can it hurt? The hurt is that your brain is changed due to the intense stimulation of its reward circuitry -- a portion of the ancient “mammalian brain” which lies under your so-called rational brain. This part of our brain governs our emotions, things like mating and eating. It runs on a neurochemical called dopamine. And we like it when it is released. This also covers addictions to things like drugs, slot machines and many video games. All this is so enticing to this primitive part of our brain, that compulsion can become a risk. After all, our brains evolved to light up when we experience these stimulations.

And internet porn can light up those lights with its offer of new partners begging for new and exciting experiences at each mouse click. And as the seeking evolves, our brains become re-wired for more and more of it. This is the same brain that evolved to drive us toward good things for our survival: seeking food and populating our species. So we seem to be especially vulnerable to both super-stimulating sexual arousal and junk food. (By the way, junk food has helped make over 60 percent of us overweight (and half of those to obesity) – again, it hits our pleasure spot.

How pervasive is porn? Last year a professor in Canada had to revise his study about the effects of porn because he couldn’t find any males on a large university campus that had not already experienced it – there were, literally, no “porn-virgins.”

Calling porn addictive like any other drug is not exaggerating the situation. Porn users can be actually lured and seduced into pornographic sessions that meet all the stimulating conditions in which their brains can be changed to want not only more of the present experience but more heightened experiences. Their brains are literally re-wired to want more and more of this experience.

Just look how much porn has changed. In my day, “soft porn” was naked women and “hard porn” was sexual intercourse. Soon soft porn became that which could be seen daily on television and the movies. There is a bit of hard porn today in seeing naked people engage in sex – though explicit actions are still reserved for hard porn. But in all this the question must be asked, “what’s next?” And what seems to be next is bondage, rape, sodomy, and bestiality – more and more in order to get the same stimulation (sound familiar?).

What happens negatively is that users substitute porn for their intimate relationships. Their reward circuitry no longer perceives an actual human relationship as worth the effort because the part of the brain that is affected can’t reason through it. The mammalian brain simply decides which option releases the most dopamine (pleasure) and it goes for it.

And as I mentioned, after a while, just like other addicts, the porn addict needs more and more and ends up finding pleasure only in the most bizarre and abnormal sexual practices. Eventually, over-stimulated men grow numb to life’s subtler pleasures, such as the charm of a real partners and the process of building a loving relationship. It simply takes too much time for pleasure when porn gives immediate results. What is going on is that brain changes have temporarily dimmed their capacity for enjoyment. And there begins the problem. Men caught in this cycle feel anxious, socially ill-at-ease, moody, despairing, and apathetic. And, until they re-boot their brains, life seems meaningless, but for the single-minded pursuit of hotter and hotter stimuli. As one man put it:

“With the magazines, porn use was a few times a week and I could basically regulate it. ‘Cause it wasn’t really that ‘special’. But when I entered the murky world of Internet porn, my brain had found something it just wanted more and more of…. I was out of control in less than 6 months. Years of mags: no problems. A few months of online porn: hooked!”

Often users don’t realize what they’re passing up until they give their brains a chance to return to equilibrium. For some, the lengthy withdrawal required to achieve this can be so agonizing (shakes, insomnia, despair, cravings, splitting headaches) that they feel trapped.

A world in which computer literate men run a considerable risk of compulsive porn use simply won’t be as happy as it could be nor is it what and who we were created to be. Those into porn generally have little time, sensitivity, or resolve for creativity, good causes, relationships, or nature’s pleasures. Let’s just face the fact it’s addictive behavior of a high order.

However, the following are some comments by men who have weaned themselves off their porn addiction:

“I feel again. I feel emotions again. My interest in women is heightened, my confidence is up and gives me motivation again. I’m 28 now and until the last couple of years I felt I had the maturity of a 15 year old. But as I heal and recover from this compulsion, I’ve felt emotions I’ve never had to deal with before. It has helped me grow up.”

“After a few days I noticed increased energy, increased attention, and higher self-esteem. After a month -- although it took several tries to get there -- those improvements were all through the roof. A couple of months later, I was having real sex. It is nice to get aroused by little things, like a revealing blouse or just a woman’s flowing, shiny hair and fragrance.”

“I have so much more energy, I’m less moody, I have more enthusiasm and motivation for work, I don’t feel drained all the time, and I feel a deeper sense of connection with everything around me. But the biggest change it has made is in my relationship. My girlfriend and I feel much closer to each other already.”

When it comes to sexually explicit materials, our society tends to get lost in debates about free speech, degree of obscenity, sexual repression, and harm to third parties. Maybe we should take a closer look at porn’s power to hijack our brains.

What to do if you are hooked? Get online and find help and/or see a therapist. Try googling “porn addiction” to start.

I can tell you that it if you are hooked on porn (just like any other addiction) it will not have a happy ending if you ignore it. Good luck and God bless you!

[Thanks to Marnia Robinson at http://www.alternet.org/sex/148399/how_porn_can_hijack_your_brain
for a good share of this material].

Keep a Holy Lent

I have been thinking a lot lately about spiritual growth (especially now that this is Lent). In the Anglican liturgy parishioners are encouraged to grow spiritually during these forty daysl with these words:

“I invite you, therefore, in the name of the Church, to the observance of a holy Lent, by self examination and repentance; by prayer, fasting, and self denial; and by reading and meditating on God’s holy Word. And, to make a right beginning of repentance…”

So it's about SELF-EXAMINATION, REPENTENCE, and ACTS (prayer, fasting, self-denial, reading the Bible, and meditating on it). 

But HOW do we do that in the world of worry, fear, stress, and over-whelming commitments? How do we keep a Holy Lent or Holy Anything?

Let me be bold and make a prescription for you (like a physician does).  For when we have a physical ailment, we seek a prescription.   And here is a prescription for our spiritual illnesses -- a way in which you can begin to live a calmer, more centered, and healthier life.

1. MEDITATION. Each morning spend no less than 10 minutes quietly sitting in a comfortable chair before you begin your day. (Do NOT listen to the daily news before you do this!)  During this time, center yourself. Receive God’s blessing. Be a Light to others this day. Think positively. Be thankful.  Ask God to help you get rid of things like discouragement and irritation in your life and replace them with graciousness and patience.

2. WORSHIP. Devote time each week to more extensively give God thanks and praise for your life.  For some of you it will be church.  For others it may be centering yourself and being open to God's Spirit for 20 or more minutes.  Examine yourself, your calendar and your checkbook (where you have spent your time and money this past week). Ask God's help to remove envy, blame, judgment from your life; the things that rob you of life and joy.

3. STUDY. Commit yourself to a time of deep spiritual reading each week.  Turn off the television -- quietly read and meditate on what you have read.  List the three things that are most important to and then arrange your time and finances accordingly.

4. SELF-DENIAL. Identify your addictions.  We ALL have one or more addictions to something. For example, alcohol, drugs, spending, gambling, eating, smoking, pornography, work, and so forth.  Identify and get a handle on your addictions.  Use prayer, self-help, and/or organized group to help you.  It is diffcult, if not impossible, to get rid of an deep addiction all by yourself.  Get help! (Remember: it takes 5-6 weeks to begin to get rid of a bad habit and an equal time to imprint a new and more positive one).

In the name of God, I invite you to a full and abundant life and to be the person God created YOU to be (and not someone else -- but that's a topic for another posting!).

Blessings!