Reflections on a Family Gathering

I grew up with both movie and television depictions of family. They were as lovely as they were unreal. Families are complex, people in them have struggles and problems and children and grief and sorrow and … yes, joy and comfort sautéed with forgiveness and a sense of deep connection! As some members of my extended family assembled this past week, I was feeling a bit anxious. Three years ago, a deep and sorrowful tragedy had brought us together from the center and coasts of America – the death of my eldest son's first-born child, Allison, at 19 years of age in a single-car automobile accident. From our deep grief as a family, we began to make connections again – to set aside the past and engage in forgiveness and reconciliation. It was family and friends that uplifted my son and his wife and their three remaining children. And to many in our blended family it was a moment of faith and hope and the possibility of a future together.


If we pay attention to our families there are a great number of things we can learn about life and love. This week, at our first effort at a family “get-together,” I learned some important things: we all have images and expectations of what family should be, as parents and as children, but most of us have found that what we wanted never quite jibed with what we got. But looking at what we got, what we have, is it enough? And, most importantly can it grow better? In the end, is family worth the work it requires?

So my three learnings during this visit of most of my large and extended family for most of a week were these: first of all – it’s worth the work! To me, there is the absolute importance of faith – my faith, not necessarily theirs. A faith that is persistent and can “walk the talk” – when we tell a family member we love them, it must be forever, through “thick and thin,” through pain, hostility, anger. I learned that eventually it pays off. Love trumps! 

The second learning was the importance of forgiveness and especially asking for my children’s forgiveness when I have failed them. Without forgiveness, life simply cannot progress, cannot go forward. The lack of forgiveness cripples us and binds us to anger, constant recrimination, and picking scabs off old wounds. We cannot change what has happened in our lives.  I was a much better parent after I had figured out how to do it. My elder children were parented by a boy in his twenties. My younger children were parented by a man in his forties.  There was a big difference.  It is the acts of forgiveness and understanding that frees us and enables us to go forward into life without carrying the heavy and crippling burden of pain, anger and bitterness with us. Forgiveness means the offense we suffered no longer conditions our relationship with the person who offended us. Simply said, without constantly forgiving those with whom we are in a loving relationship there is, in effect, no relationship -- and it is going nowhere.

The third learning I had is seeing the power in moving forward – persistently moving forward in our journey. As faith and forgiveness prepare the ground, it is persistence (even tenacious persistence) that makes it all work. Moving forward is the continuous act of trying to improve the quality and character of our lives.  As a  man of faith it is trying to bring about God's reign on earth.

I am committed to being in relationship with my children and grandchildren. If I am to grow into patriarchy, be father and grandfather to my “clan,” in consort with my wife, be true to that which I believe, then the responsibility is on me, with God’s help, to let the loving light of Christ shine through me – through my darkness, through my failures, through my disappointments and through my hurt. I ask no more of them.  Thus, I am eternally thankful for the gift that was given to me this week!

Sometimes those who marry into a family become important family players – not connected by biology but by choice. One of my daughters-in-law gave me a biblical “word of knowledge” for this week. She knew it had been years since her husband had closely interacted with many of his eight siblings. She knew I was praying for God’s lovingkindness to pour out on all of us. The Word she gave me was “integrity.” Integrity is “the quality or state of being of sound moral principle; uprightness, honesty, and sincerity.” To be Christian man or woman of integrity is to live a life that is reflective of Jesus Christ – to be sound and whole – to “practice what you preach.” Integrity is a powerful word because it is the essence of who you are.

Now you or I will never be perfect; we will always be lacking, always falling short, but the man and woman of integrity pushes on, is not caught in what I call the three religious “bugaboos:” mean-spiritness, judgmentalism, and hypocrisy! Instead, we, who call ourselves Christian, are to walk in faith; to love others as Christ loved us. We are to seek forgiveness when we hurt others, and we are to move forward and act in the world to move God’s hopes and plans for us a little bit closer to becoming a reality.

My prayer is that my children and I can move forward into the coming years with a sense of integrity in our relationships which are marked by lovingkindness, openness, trust, forgiveness, and mutual joy.

What does a good relationship consist of between adult family members? The image I have is the relationship many of us have with our cousins – a family of cousins – related, but not burdened with childhood hurts, disappointments, and unrealistic expectations. Instead, relationships marked by adult love, understanding, and joy in our connections.

May God give us strength and blessing to be the men and women he has created us to be – fathers, mothers, sons and daughters -- loving FRIENDS!

 
And to those who could not make it -- you were in our constant thoughts and prayers.