Nevertheless, there is nothing worse for me than visiting a child who is locked up in either prison or jail. Of all my life experiences, it is an experience that I wish I didn't have. But within evry event or experience, I feel we must ask ourselves these questions: Why is God putting me here? And what is it God wants me to do with this experience? It is the answer to those questions which strengthens our spirituality.
My recent jail visits were not his first from me and his mother -- nor our first family visit to a jail. Yet I have to admit that every time I go is a challenging spiritual journey -- almost a wilderness experience from which I would like to run from and a place in which I feel I am being tested by interior wild animals). It may be difficult for you to imagine one of your children in prison -- it was, and still is, for me. After all, I spent over 30 years of my life putting people in prison. I never thought one of my children would be in that situation.
Each time it causes me to re-think parenting, how we treat addicts, and how we rehabilitate offenders. After all, more than one-half (maybe as much as 3/4) of those in prison are there because of alcohol or other drug addictions. Like many families of addicts, we have tried just about everything and nothing has seemed to work -- at least YET; at least so far! It is difficult to understand the mind and actions of an addict. Even when you love them. In my life experience I have seen some things work for some people some of the time. That's it. So we have to keep on trying the "some things," some time again and again. I also kknow that either the addicted person is rehabilitated, he dies, or she simply gets sick and tired of being an addict. I have seen all three of these numersous times -- and, unfortunately, officiated at more than enough burials involving suicides, accidents and over-doses. The greatest fear I have is that my son will die before he becomes sober and drug-free. That is a frightening thought for me.
I went through that for years with an adult daughter. Every day I thought I would get a call telling me she was dead. Now, through the grace of God, she has been sober for 10 years now. This became a blessing our of a very terrible wilderness. So hope works and so does prayer.
So where is this going? It is a father's sadness... my grief, my inability to "fix" my child... and yet still knowing that life is a combination of things -- of things not being fair... even unjust... and often my lament "Why, O Lord, me?"
But what I want to get out of this is to be able to put aside my shame... work through my grief and accept this situation and do what ever I can do. And remembering that sometimes love has to be tough! At the same time, like my experience when Sabine was first diagnosed with an incurable cancer, God stands with me. God has got my back covered. God will get me through this. I know this!
The Serenity Prayer seems appropriate here:
"God give me the courage to change what I can, to accept that in my life that I cannot change. And the wisdom to know the difference. So be it!"
Thank you for this, David. Simply that... thank you. It has given me a piece of understanding that I was looking for.
ReplyDeleteI happened upon your blog in a search for 'my child in jail' and landed on your entry: 'The Spirituality of a Child in Jail.' My 18 year old son has bipolar disorder. He is extremely bright and extremely troubled. He quit school, he fancies himself an atheist, he has no job or motivation and has deeply rooted anger at me and the world. His dad and I divorced when he was 12 and then his dad was killed in a boating accident when he was 16. Last night I had him arrested because he bashed in the windshield of my car and smashed up his laptop in a fit of anger [because I told him he could not drive the car and because I removed the router when he would not stop playing on the computer and help clean up the mess he made in the house].
ReplyDeleteI believe I need to allow him to stay in jail for at least a week. At least he will take his medication in there which is better than when he is out because he takes it inconsistently even when reminded continuously. And, while I believe a stint in jail will end up being a positive thing for him, I keep second guessing myself. I know that after he rages he is usually repentant and filled with shame. I want to comfort him, but I don't want to enable him. Can you advise me? If not, can you just pray for me? We are Episcopalians as well [well, at this point, I am]. You can read my blog at kimmstree.wordpress.com if you need any more information. I don't usually write to strangers-- I am not sure why I was led to you. My email is kimmstree@gmail.com
Thank you for taking the time to minister to me.
I have a daughter in jail waiting for court on the 16 of april this is really hard on the both of us and if you could give me words and prayers for the both of us i truely would be grateful.My email is nahlikpeggy@yahoo.com in jesus name i thank you
ReplyDeleteYou certainly have my prayers and concern. As parents, we often let our selves get in the way of the problem. This is not about us and our shame and anxiety. It is about our child. We all make wrong decisions in life. Hopefully, we learn from our pain and facing the consequences of those poor decisions. Don't give up. Visit her. While you can be concerned about how she got put in jail, remember always to show her love and encouragement. My experience with my children finally (after much struggling)led me to understand that I no longer controlled the situation. Instead, I put it in God's hands and a pledge to let God's love work through me. That is my prayer for you. You can directly email me at davidccouper@aol.com for a more personal interchange. Blessings!
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