Knocked down, but not out!

I was reminded of Psalm 42 this week, the part where the psalmist cries out that all God's "waves and breakers" have poured over him.

Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?...
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you...
Deep calls to deep
in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
have swept over me.
(vv. 5-7)

This week I was feeling more and more sad, Sabine noticed it, my daughters who had begun to assemble for Thanksgiving saw it, too.  This is not the best place for a primary caregiver to be.  I owed Sabine more than trying to struggle with this by myself.

I think it was not only Matt's death, but also knowing that Sabine's cancer was back that was the final blow.

So, yesterday afternoon, after we had met with Sabine's oncologist, I decided to take action and "practice what I preached."  I walked into the mental health intake wing at the Veteran's Hospital in Madison and checked in for an evaluation.  They confirmed what I thought was going on -- I had enough more than enough "waves and breakers" roll over me during the past three years: Granddaughter Allison's death, Sabine's cancer diagnosis, her stem cell transplant, Matt's suicide, and now Sabine's cancer flaring up again.  I was beginning to suffer from depression.

If this had happened twenty years ago I might have resisted going to a therapist.  I don't have as many pretensions now as I did then and thankfully God led my heart to pursue what I knew needed to be done and made me a wiser man.

At the mental health unit, I met with a therapist and psychiatrist and we decided that I would start individual "one on one," weekly therapy for my symptoms (and not to begin drug therapy right now).  Instead, we would check on how the therapy and my sadness was progressing.

Depression was something I did not expect.  But thankfully I am at a place in my life that I know what my priorities are and what I need to do to keep myself on my own two feet.

This is a big step for me.  But I am confident that it was the right thing to do and thankful that I did not more strongly deny and resist it (I did for a couple of days -- "I can get through this!").

Psalm 42 ends with this note of encouragement.  It is advice I will take.

Put your hope in God,

for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

To that I say, AMEN.

God is my hope and my salvation!

My journey continues...