When Death Doesn’t Part

 “Friendship transcends disappearance: and enduring friendship goes on after death, the exchange only transmuted by absence, the relationship advancing and maturing in a silent internal conversational way even after one-half of the bond has passed on” — David Whyte, “Consolations, The Heart Aroused.”

Yes, that’s what is going on... that is what I am experiencing. Death, does not win, I still am with her... We remain together.

you died on

Christmas eve 

i in my grief

thought i should go

with you

after such a

magnificent love

affair

this bond of ours

certainly could never

ever fracture

ever end

40 years

but the hospice nurse

returned

that sad afternoon

my love 

this amazing 

woman

no longer

breathed

no

I emphatically said

you cannot take

her

there are things 

that must be

done

promises to

keep

eyes to close

prayers to ease

departure

a cherished body to wash

anoint 

incense 

rising

her to dress 

you must understand 

she cannot be taken

you cannot have 

her

i need

time

one last night 

to

vigil

coffee at sunrise 

familiar 

celtic music 

those promises to 

keep

you can’t

have her

promises mean

something

promises 

connect eternally 

and

big ones 

can never be broken..

Sabine Dances Away the Blues!

 This says it all... We did about 15 or so of these “Sock Hop” videos to dance away those COVID-19, chemotherapy and dialysis blues. We made this video 8 months ago. Sabine has always loved to dance. Especially  those “dips!’

https://youtu.be/O2c-TeNUdMI

“The power of the stars is nothing compared to the energy of a person whose will has been freed . . . and who is thus enabled to co-create the cosmos together with God. God’s top; we belong to everyone else.” — Thomas Keating.

Walking in the Woods as Therapy

Since March and the start of the pandemic, I recorded over 150 “Walks in the Woods” and posted them on YouTube. They helped me process the pandemic and Donald Trump. Sabine encourage them because I think she new they were helping me be a better companion! (See also the nearly 20 “Sock Hop” videos we made during the Covid-19 era.)

Since Sabine’s death, I have not been able to record another of these 4-6 minute woody reflections. My pain is too raw now, but perhaps in a few months I will get back on YouTube. Except for one or two of the 150+ posts, I stayed out of politics and some practical ways of surviving the isolation of the pandemic.

While I am not recording at present, I still walk in our woods each day to think and reflect; sort of mining and processing my emotional life. Sabine was a great supporter and encourager of these walks — just as she did for many of many interests from skydiving to poetry and book-writing. 

Yesterday morning was a good example of that “mining and processing.”.

Here are my thoughts hiking with my trusty canine sidekick, Mocha.

Selecting the photos I used in yesterday’s blog and the events in our life they represented (compassing over 40 years) led me to realize that somehow revisiting my life with Sabine helps my healing — even though going through almost a thousand pictures was mixed with tears and occasional wrenching sobbing.

The walks are not just intellectual (mining and processing) they are also spiritual as I question and even yell at God trying understand why things happen as they do.

Within this mix, I feel healing slowly beginning and sense of peacefulness amidst the pain of losing her. (I remember once a clergy friend, also a trained therapist, told me to beware that Sabine and I were “joined at the hip.” I knew what he meant, but Sabine and I talked about our emotional dependance on one another and decided we liked it just like it was. And, perhaps, my friend was not willing to make that kind of emotional commitment to his spouse because of the deep, passionate, “joined-at-the-hip” commitment to one another Sabine and I had.)

At the same, I realize the adventure we had together, like everything else in life, has an ending. Doesn’t everything eventually end for us mortals? I mean we can’t ride the merry-go-round forever. All stuff, including relationships, eventually ends...

Yesterday morning on my walk in the woods (now peppered with tearв), I realized that Sabine did not have to deal with my death. That Sabine, dying before me, transferred the pain of losing one’s soul mate from her to me so that she did not have to experiment the pain of losing me. 

So, think about it. Between the two of us, who was best positioned to survive the death of the other? Quite obviously ME! For if Sabine had to deal with my death on top of her illness would have been far worse for her and, quite frankly, would have been very unfair That’s a reality.

Am I giving her the loving gift of surviving? Standing in, even sacrificially, to let her die peacefully and with dignity. That’s what I am thinking. “Sweety, this is my gift to you!” I promised I would care for you at home as you started to die from this cancer. The diagnosis was inevitable 12 years ago.  I am doing what she did not have to experience. 

she did not have to suffer? Yes, it was a gift?

I gave her everything I have learned and knew about death and dying pastorally and lovingly as her soul-mate? Yes, God being my witness, I did!

This is what I learned, what I realized, as I walked in our woods yesterday among the newly-fallen snow on a trail through the woods that we have walked since 1980. Even among the new snowfall, shadows of her footsteps still remained.

Note: Today is our 40th wedding anniversary! What a glorious time we had!

Okay, Bear with Me: One More Set of Photos

 I found about a dozen photo albums of our 40 years together. One was from Sabine’s mother, Charlotte, and it captured photos of Sabine’s immigration photo at 3 years of age and her graduation from Gustavus Adolphus College in St. Peter, Minnesota.

Overall, my attempt through at almost a thousand photos was to capture what I experienced as the “essence” Sabine. They are somewhat chronological. Here goes... 

Our photo album collection.

Making decisions. Which pictures capture Sabine’s “essence?”

                                                

      Sabine’s immigration picture at age three.

As a young girl. 8 or t0 years of age?

While a student at Gustavus Adolphus College, she did a semester in Japan living with this family.

                                                        Graduating from Gustavus in 1975.

Madison Police Officer, Class of 1980. Yes, there’s a story here.

                On the police range doing a biathlon which involved both running and shooting events. Always    a good shot!

                                                    The “kidnapping” on Dec 29, 1981.

                            And a whirlwind, family event marriage in Brookline’s, So. Dak. Surprise!

Two kids madly in love with the judge, mom and dad, sister Barbara and husband Ken (who took the picture). With a puzzled niece, Teak, standing with the roses. Crazy? You bet!

In the Spring, we decided to do it again at Olbrich Gardens in Madison, WI.

                                                    Backpacking in the Rocky Mountains.

We decided it was best that Sabine leave the Madison PD. I stayed on as chief and she served 29 years with the State Capitol Police and retired as a captain.

                                                                                Hot-tubbing!

                                                                            On a cruise.

We were both active runners, Nordic skiers, and cyclists. Here Sabine and sister Barbara are readying for a run together.

                                                                Snorkeling in Florida.

Two little girls from an orphanage in Korea join our family, Sumi and Yumi.

                                            Then comes along a little boy, Joshua, later Ezekiel.

Swimming lessons. Yumi takes a plunge while Sabine and Sumi prepare to catch here. That’s my arm in the lower right. No, I didn’t push Yumi!

        One of our many travels which took us to Europe, Japan, Korea and South Africa over the years.

    The family is growing up, All three kids are now married and building their own families. Circle of life.

                                                   With a major in theater, what could I expect?

“Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful!”

With sister, Barbara.

Recovering from the stem cell transplant.

                                        Sumi and Sabine at Yumi and Matt’s Wedding in Nashville.

                        Our companion over the years. The portable hemodialysis machine that kept her alive.

            Granddaughter Gracie and her mother, Heather, join us for a pirate event at our marina.

                                        Digging me out or burying me? For sure, she dug me out!

In the garden at the first church, St John’s Episcopal in Portage, WI. One of the two churches we served after my post-retirement seminary education and ordination.

                        When we chose homecare with Heartland Hospice two days before her death.

         A couple of weeks prior to her death. We loved to play and dance. See our “sock hop” videos.

                                                                   Oh, how I loved this woman!

Sabine at rest after her death. She stayed the night with me after I had prayed for her soul, washed and anointed her body, and dressed her. It was making beauty out of tragedy for us.

Our hands together — always! Thus ends an earthly relationship well-lived and well-loved.