A Note to Myself

 

“Dear David, I know you are hurting and lonely. Believe me, I can feel it, too! But you need to wake up you old fart! Do you have such a high opinion of yourself that you do not understand how OLD you are? You are becoming delusional! Do you really think that some woman who has nursed a dying husband through years of sickness or finally learned to happily live alone, would be interested in becoming a close friend? Come on, wake up and smell the roses. After all, you only have a few years left on this earth. Make good use of each one — each day!

“What you need to understand is that for the rest of you short life, no relationship could even come close to the one you had for forty years with Sabine, NEVER! (And, incidentally, do you want to get close to another person and then have to grieve another loss in your life?)

“David, you cannot go back. So stop it, Cease! It’s your choice. Either you rot away or go forward. And going forward is going to be ALONE. Do you hear me? You must understand this; first in your mind, then in your heart. You will never have another Sabine or anyone close to her. You will never replace her.

“So you need to hunker down, accept what has happened to you and, at the same time, continue to safely negotiate this pandemic — and your present fragility. When you can, interact with people at concerts, theater, church, and other groups. Remember, you are not only suffering the loss of Sabine, but also the people-starvation created by this pandemic. Sabine got you through the pandemic by her consistent bright, understanding, and cheerful presence. What would she telll you now? 

“You must make it through the rest of your life alone — without her. Alone. Stop being such a mess. It’s okay to cry and grieve. But remember the biblical story of the sick man near the cleansing waters of Siloam? What did Jesus tell him? ‘Get up off your mat and seek your healing. Quit making excuses!’ 

“By the way, it’s okay to ask God, an angel, or a friend for help! Isn’t that what Sabine would tell you?”