A Nightmare

Who among us has not had a nightmare (or at least a terrifying thought) about hitting a pedestrian with our automobile? 

That nightmare recently happened to a clergyman who was a bishop in my town. The stunning fact is that I not only knew the man but also the woman who was killed -- a mother of three, who was out jogging on Sunday afternoon last week. I hired her a number of years ago as a police officer. 

The bishop was the way to a church activity that afternoon. After striking her, he fled the scene of the accident. He was, nevertheless, apprehended by police a short time later. An accident? I am sure. But the problem with accidents is that if you leave the scene, or are intoxicated, you compound the severity. In this case, the bishop had a blood alcohol reading of .128 -- the legal limit in our state is .08. He is now charged with three felonies and, if convicted, could spend years in prison. In the meantime, a woman is dead and there is grief all around.

The bishop is well-respected and presides over 145 congregations as leader of the South-Central Synod of the Wisconsin Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA). A statement was issued from the bishop's office: "We're holding the family of the woman who was killed in our prayers and we are really asking that God would be with them and provide them comfort in their grief and all those who have been impacted"  Click Here for the News Article

How do we make sense of this horrible tragedy? I have to say it has shaken me. Could it have been prevented? In my experience, it is easy for those who have powerful and prestigious positions to find themselves secretly in trouble with personal addictions, abusing power, sexual misconduct, or financial misdeeds. Prevention is difficult but not impossible. Often friends and loved ones around powerful and prestigious people often know of their often self-destructive behavior but are unable to act for a variety of reasons.

This is often occurs because as a person’s personal power and prestige increase, accountability for their behavior seems to decrease. Can anyone of us hold powerful people we may love and admire without coming under their wrath?

I think this is where moral character (and a working spirituality) come into play. In business, government, and the church, few people can speak truth to power. And that is an unfortunate situation in our society -- especially in the church.

I have a different take on all this. I believe it is not only the responsibility of  a leader to strive for health and wellness, but also those who work with that leader. I know, this is shaky ground, but bear with me!

It is a danger for any one of us who hold power over others not to have a soul friend with whom we can (and will) be accountable to for our behavior -- both at home and at work. By this I mean another person who can ask critical spiritual and wellness questions and be given a truthful answer. Let me suggest a few:

1. Tell me about your current health and wellness -- your exercise program, and especially how you handle stress in your job and with your family?

2. Tell me about your primary relationships -- the quality of the time you spend with your spouse, children, and closest friends? Tell me honestly, what is it like to be in a loving relationship with you?

3. What are your personal improvement goals? Name three of them. How are you doing in pursuing and achieving them?

4. What role does alcohol (including prescription drugs) play in your life. How much and how often do you use them? Have any of your friends or your spouse voiced concern about your use of alcohol or other drugs? If they have, what are you doing about it?

5. What are the temptations in your life and how do you handle them?

6. How do you handle disappointment and conflict at work and at home? How have you handled losses in your life?

7. What is your religious and/or spiritual life like? Do you truly practice what you say you believe?

Remember, these are suggestions -- a good place to start. While it is difficult for an employee, or even a board or commission, to have this kind of relationship with a leader, it is vitally important that leaders take the initiative to have this kind of relationship with someone. It is what I call a "mutual accountability;" that is, two people who can give each other a pledge of confidentiality, total honesty, and deep openness and then do this important protective interpersonal work.

It isn't easy. And I don't know if the bishop involved in this tragedy last week had such a relationship. But being in government and the church for over half a century now, I will venture to say that he did not.

My prayers go out everyone who has been so horribly impacted by this event. I also pray that those who hold powerful and prestigious positions of authority in our society are able to work through the above questions with a trusted person.

Not to do so is risky business for all of us.

++++++++++++++

Just after posting this, the following article appeared the following day on the front page of the New York Times and is one of my major points. The first sentence reads as follows:

"After a series of scandals involving high-ranking officers, the American military for the first time will require generals and admirals to be evaluated by their peers and the people they command on qualities including personal character."

This is something I required from the leaders in my organization (police) over 30 years ago. Since that time, it has also a practice that many organizational consultants have recommended be adopted by both government and business -- not only peer evaluation but also that of subordinates.

CLICK HERE for the Article

Postscript: It was in November of 2011 that the bishop's wife died after a battle with cancer.

Talking to Men: Accountability

Accountability: the quality or state of being accountable; an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one's actions.

            How accountable are we and to whom? Do we take responsibility for our behavior, sincerely and honestly account for it to our wives, children, friends, even co-workers? And if so, how?

            Accountability reminds me of change and change reminds me of the old question about how many psychiatrists it takes to change a light bulb. The answer, of course, is that you never know because the light bulb must first want to change. Doesn’t the same thought pertain to all of us? If we don’t want to change we never will unless it is a life or death situation. But then if we are sincere about changing our behavior, that’s when accountability can step in (that is after you, the “bulb,” wants to change).

            In my years changing organizations, I have come to realize that there is only one thing that will help a man change – accountability to other men.

            If you are a man who wants to change then tell other men about the change you are about to undertake. Then check-in with two of those men and a weekly basis and give them permission to hold you accountable, ask questions on how you are doing, and that you will answer their questions honestly. You'll be surprised how effective and change-producing this can be.

            After all, we men are good at self-deception. We have learned these behaviors to protect ourselves and our grand self-images. Few of us have ever had the opportunity to see ourselves as others see us. But if we are sincere about our desire to change and seeing ourselves as others see us, this is one good and sure way to do it. 

            At these weekly meetings with two trusted friends answer the following questions:

Since we last met…

1.      As a person of faith, tell us about your highs/lows... struggles & victories?

2.      How have you handled temptation?

3.      How have you managed your addictions or addictive tendencies?

4.      What has been the quality and character of your role as 

              a) husband, 

              b) father, 

              c) friend, and 

              d) co-worker? 

                     Did they meet God’s expectations of you? 

                     Where have you fallen short?            

                     Where do you need prayer and encouragement?

5.      Tell us about how you have practiced your faith so that it has been evident to others in a positive way?

6. What is your plan for the coming week in light of what you have told us?

7. Have you been totally honest in what you have said?

            Men, if you are really sincere about being the man God created you to be, you will seriously consider what I have posted here. Good luck and God bless you!