Talking With Prisoners

[The following is a talk I gave to the 15 graduates of the 3-month Restorative Justice Program at Columbia Correctional Institution in Portage on Monday, November 30, 2009. The program director is a good friend of mine, the Rev. Jerry Hancock, a former asst. attorney general for Wisconsin.]

Restorative Justice Graduation
Columbia Correctional Institution
Portage, WI

Two weeks ago I spent a weekend with 60 other men. It was a retreat called “One Year to Live.”

If you had no end to your life, -- you were going to live forever, what would you want to do if money was no object? How about 10 years? Five years left? What would be on your list?

How about if you only had ONE year to live – what would you want to accomplish if money was no barrier? How about if you only had a month to live? What would you choose to do with the 30 days you have left?

During the course of this weekend, we discussed our families of origin, what went on in those families when we were growing up. We talked about our dreams -- as well as the things we were ashamed of.

But most of all, we developed a mission statement for the rest of our lives.

As you might imagine, during the course of those intimate discussions, in small groups of six men (in which we all pledged confidentiality), we not only had deep knowledge of one another (much deeper than many of us had ever experienced with another man) but we also developed a deep bond with each another during those 44 intense hours. I am sure we will all remain in contact with one another and will do so for many years to come.

We were strangers when we got into our small groups -- but brothers when we left 44 hours later.

Now I got to thinking about the times in my life when I bonded deeply with other men – growing up in high school sports was probably the first, then graduating from Marine Corps Boot Camp and those with whom I served. And another: the partners I had worked and shared danger with during my years as a police officer.

All these events in my life had not only a shared experience with other men, but also a challenge, a threat – fear and danger. Any of these times in my life could have resulted in me, or someone near to me, shedding blood.

But all these were socially-accepted ways for me to challenge myself, overcome my fears, achieve, serve and protect others and have a sense of purpose in my life. They contributed to the man you see standing before you today.

Things could have been a lot different for me… The time when the Marine helicopter in which I was riding lost power and crashed, high speed chases, gunshots that missed me.

Or when, at age 20, I waited outside the apartment of a man, knife in my belt, after I came home from overseas. A man whom I knew was sleeping with my first wife. Thankfully, he never showed up that night

How my life would have been different if I had shot that teenager who swung a club at my head in that dark alley so many years ago after a foot chase…

How everything could have turned out differently. But even then -- had I been crippled by that helicopter accident, gone to prison for killing that man, or shot that teenager, could I not have decided to get through that? To choose to emotionally live instead of dying? To find light in my darkness?

William Shakespeare knew the power of men who bond together for a good cause when he wrote the play, “Henry V.”

One part of the play is about the great English victory at Agincourt in France -- a battle which pitted King Henry’s army of 6,000 men against a French army of 36,000. Henry was outnumbered six to one.

Henry and his army went France in order to re-claim English land taken during the 100 Years War. He was met by the French army on October 25, 1415 on a field near Agincourt.

The two armies lined up across a freshly plowed field. During the week there had been heavy rainfall. Henry’s men had the effective longbow which could pierce armor and his archers were protected from knights on horseback by sharp poles angled into the ground. Most of the English soldiers expected to die that day – out numbered six to one and facing heavily armored French knights on horseback. But not Henry, he had a vision that he shared with his men that they would remember this day in the years to come.

Shakespeare’s Henry speaks to his men just before the start of the battle. The scene begins with his cousin, the Duke of Westmoreland, lamenting the situation, wishing they had more men. The day of the battle fell on the day which commemorates St. Crispian.

Westmoreland begins: “O that we now had here but one ten thousand of those men in England that do no work to-day!”

Then the King appears…

“What's he that wishes so?
My cousin Westmoreland? No, my fair cousin;
If we are mark'd to die, we are enow
To do our country loss; and if to live,
The fewer men, the greater share of honour…

He goes on…

“This day is call'd the feast of Crispian.
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam'd,
And rouse him at the name of Crispian.

“He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian.'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say 'These wounds I had on Crispian's day.'

“Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day.

“Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words-
Harry the King, Bedford and Exeter,
Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester-
Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb'red.

“This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-

“We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother…”

As heavily armored French knights approached the English lines, they were met with loud battle cry from the English and a hail of their arrows. Unexpectedly, their horses became mired in the muddy field. And the English, on foot, with the king leading them, attacked.

Ten thousand French soldiers, including many of their nation’s nobility, fell that day. The English suffered the loss of only a few hundred.

Maybe King Henry did say something to them about brotherhood, maybe it was the fact that his men could see him in the center of their battle line, leading the charge on foot. Whatever the reason, the English prevailed. They won the day!

The English had a difficult mission and they knew it: they pledged to follow their king and, if they were to going to die, they would die with HONOR.

I remember my days in the Marines, my nights as a police officer – that weekend earlier this month… Honor, duty, service.

“We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; for he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother…”

The willingness to shed blood for one another is an indication of BONDING, of being a brother with another man through thick and thin -- but for a noble cause.

Now back to that weekend retreat I attended earlier this month. Three QUESTIONS went into building that mission statement I spoke of earlier.

The answers to those questions are the things we would commit ourselves to -- to give our word of honor – to keep the promises we made to our wives and children. The answers to these questions we carried home and shared with them.

WHO AM I?
WHY DO I EXIST?
WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE?

I will share with you in a moment what I said.

But now, I would like to ask you to think deeply about these three questions:

-- WHO ARE YOU?

-- WHY DO YOU EXIST?

-- WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?

Brothers, unless we know WHO we are we will forever be lost and will struggle through life. Many of us come from a sacred religious tradition in which we believe we are children of a father-God who deeply loves us… If we realize that, we will know who we are…

If we don’t know WHY we exist, we will always be a prisoner, we will be in chains for every bad idea that comes along. Without knowing why we exist will never be able to resist the temptations and addictions of this world… Instead, temptations and addictions will be our master and we their slave.

And if we don’t know WHAT we are going to do with the rest of our life; that is; a LIFE PLAN (a pledge to go forward no matter what has happened beforehand in our life) we will be adrift in life, pummeled by it’s waves, torn asunder by it’s winds, because we have no RUDDER – no DIRECTION.

Now I am going to ask you to sit here for a moment -- in silence -- and think about those three questions again:

--WHO ARE YOU?

--WHY DO YOU EXIST?

--WHAT ARE YOU NOW GOING TO DO WITH THE REST OF YOUR LIFE?

Brothers, I said I would share with you my mission statement. I urge you to continue to think about writing down the things that went into your head as I did a few weeks ago. Write it down and share it with your friends. Make a commitment, a pledge to follow it on your HONOR, and paste it on wall for all to see.

I told you that I would share with you my mission statement. Here it is:

WHO AM I?
I am David – my name means “Beloved of God.”

WHY DO I EXIST?
I exist to serve others and lead with integrity.

WHAT AM I GOING TO DO WITH THE REST OF MY LIFE?
I am going to live my life consistent with my chosen faith -- as a loving and faithful husband, caring father, grandfather, brother and friend; to always be a man of my word -- to keep my promises.

I am going to witness to my faith.
I am going to share what I have with others.
I am going to continue to read, study, and learn the rest of my life.
And now, as I come towards the end of my life, I will prepare for, and show others,
how to die and live into the New Life I was promised at my baptism.

NOW it’s up to you. I challenge you to write down YOUR mission statement, share it with your friends, develop it, fine tune it, and then…

ON YOUR HONOR AS A MAN,
DO IT! LIVE IT!

Thank you, and congratulations to each and every one of you on your graduation from this program. I am honored to share this day with you.

Peeling Hairy Onions

I continue to be moved by the men’s retreat I went on last week with the Lutheran Men in Mission. It was a place for men to come together and talk about what most men don’t or won’t talk about – their interior life – their feelings. I think we men have some “big hairy objects” inside us that get us into deep trouble -- like grief, shame, fear and anger.

I like to think of these hairy objects as being multi-layed – sort of like hairy onions. You do some work on them, peel off a layer or two and think you are home free, then, “bam!” Here it comes and hits you right between the eyes – sometimes you see it coming and other times it’s a blind side “sucker punch.”

I did some hairy onion-peeling last week. It felt good. I discussed the weekend with a friend of mine after I had gotten home. He was a new friend, a fellow pastor, and I was talking to him about my journey. As many of you know, it was almost three years ago when my granddaughter, Allison, was killed in a single-car auto accident in St. Paul. Believe me, I did a lot of grieving during and after that. Now, almost three years later, as I was telling my friend about Allison’s death, choking tears came up. Not just the teary eyes, but deep grief tears. That hairy onion had more layers than I ever imagined it had. And I knew I had some more grieving to do, and some more processing.

The same thing can happen to us with regard to other hairy onions called shame, fear, and anger. We work on them, we peel off a layer or two, we move forward only to find it trips us up again. And so we go down inside again. We NAME it. We CLAIM it as ours (no one else’s). And, by peeling off another layer, we TAME it and get it under control again so we can move forward.

After all, that’s the spiritual/emotional journey and it is a lifetime of work. What we feel, we can name. What we name, we can claim. What we claim, can now be more tamed. This spiritual/emotional work is a process. Just doing it once is usually never enough. And avoidance never works for long. Instead, we must spiritually/emotionally monitor ourselves for those feelings which can trip us up (even “sucker punch” us). Untamed, they have the ability to knock us down and even out.

As a Christian, I know that God is with me in these deep interior journeys. I don’t do this alone but always covered with prayer.

Another hairy onion of mine is Sabine’s cancer. It never got to anger, but fear was always there and still is – the fear of losing her. When I tell the story of her diagnosis nearly two years ago, I often find myself in a state of choking fear. I know I need to peel off more layers from that hairy onion!

While we are saved by grace alone, forgiven of our sins (as we forgive those of others), there still is work for all of us to do in processing our spiritual/emotional landscapes.

Last weekend reminded me of the power of “naming-claiming-taming” and asking God for the healing that must happen if we are to permanently rid ourselves of those interior “onions.” Unfortunately, what doesn’t work is what most of us choose to do -- to stuff our feelings.

I hope and pray you will be able to get those scary feelings out and exposed to the light of God in Christ. It is work you and your family will be glad you did.

Talking to Men

The One Year to Live Retreat

November 13-15, 2009

Camp Edwards

East Troy, Wisconsin

We know that the first disciples of Jesus were mostly a rag-tag group of fishermen, but they were also good sailors – men who were used to storms, high seas, and the constant danger of their boats being swamped. The church has often been described in nautical terms – a great ship with full sails, steady hands on her rudder, and keeping the true course. I like that action image.

But today the church-boat is in danger of being swamped! This is happening because it is unbalanced. It is unbalance is because the men of the church are essentially AWOL – absent without leave.

Every Sunday, there are 13 million more women in church than men; and during midweek activities the unbalance is even worse: men are only 20 to 30 percent in attendance. The fact is that today most men don’t go to church.

But the men are not AWOL because they have ceased to believe for it is reported that more than 90 percent of them believe God and over 80 percent call themselves Christian. The problem is that men don’t think that attending church has anything to do with God.

Now I want you to understand that my comments here are not intended to put down women; for women are doing an outstanding job in carrying our faith traditions forward. Now we men need to do our share. This isn’t about women’s participation, but about men’s absence.

Take my friend, Joe, for example. Joe sees church simply as a place where women hang out. So when his wife asks him to come to church with her, Joe would just as soon be caught having his hair done at an upscale beauty salon, or wearing pink underwear, than being seen in a church. Church, to Joe, is what women do. Deep down Joe thinks church is boring, irrelevant, hypocritical, and out to grab his money.

Joe knows faith in God is important. So that’s why he makes sure his children go to Sunday school and, during the summer, sends them to church camp, and makes sure they attend confirmation. Joe supports his wife’s involvement in church. As he sees it, church is simply at odds with him being a man. “Real men” don’t go to church.

But God created us in two genders – male and female. God didn’t create just one – but rather two to complement one another – two to balance things out. When just one gender is dominant in the church, we don’t have a fully effective church! The church wasn’t balanced when women couldn’t fully participate, and, again, isn’t balanced today.

So what can be done about it? How can we men step up? Is it the job our wives to nag us to church and order to get us to sit (begrudgingly) for an hour alongside them on Sunday morning or for our wives to nag us to church? Of course not!

It’s our job to talk to men like Joe about his life and whether or not he would be interested in improving it. I am not talking about conversion or evangelism here because the Joes already believe in God and Jesus. The problem with them is not their belief, but their practice.

Many of the Joes we know may be having trouble balancing work and family, they’re drinking too much, have other addictions, are struggling with pornography, or have girlfriends on the side. Their spiritual lives are in shambles -- filled with self-doubt or shame about the inauthentic or dishonest life they are living. Who is going to help them live the life they deep-down really need and want? This is the job for a Godly man.

The men of the Bible were imperfect, often broken, men who sought after God. And when they did most of them risked everything because they knew in their hearts it was the right thing to do. They spoke their minds and stepped on the toes of hypocrites. They were community leaders who fought for justice. They were God’s “tough guys” who were dangerous, but good. Unfortunately, many of these kinds of men are staying home today.

Now this is not new. Historically, the church has tended to get out of balance from time to time. And when that would happen, God would raise up a Martin Luther, John Wesley, Charles Finney, or Billy Sunday to call the church back into balance. The great revivals of the past always transformed large numbers of men.

Thankfully, we have such a revival going on today. It’s called the “One Year to Live Retreat” (OYTL). I just came back from one -- a 44-hour encounter with other Christian men. A true adventure – it wasn’t boring or irrelevant – and it certainly wasn’t hypocritical, as we put ourselves on the line for what we believe. You should try it. I will put myself on the line for you and guarantee that you will come out of that weekend a better man and your wife will know it.

I totally, fully, and completely recommend this weekend if you are serious about renewing your life. At my little church we now have a core group of five other men who went through the retreat with me. Things will change in our community because of us.

The retreat-encounter (and I do call it that) is sponsored by Lutheran Men in Mission, a group from the Evangelical Lutheran Church of America. The retreat consists of a weekend in which men take time to look into their lives, make assessments, and then do something about it. One leader calls it, “Bible Study Meets Indiana Jones!” As a former Marine, I call it “Boot Camp with the Holy Spirit as drill instructor."

We all know men in their 20s, 30s and 40s who are yearning for a spiritual life. Men who are desperate to get their lives back on track. The OYTL Retreat is a new program and offers an opportunity to do that; to be adventurous and courageous while at the same time spiritual, genuine, loving, and vulnerable. The time you spend on this retreat will help you be a better husband, father, and friend to our wives, children, and other men. Men are lonely today. Most have only their wife as their best friend. That is good, but they also need other men in their life -- brothers, authentic men, who can support, encourage and bless them along life's journey.

The next retreat (and, by the way, I’m going!) is April 16-18 at Camp Kataki in Louisville, Nebraska. Let me know if you want to go with me. You can find out more about the OYTL Retreat this program on Facebook – query “Lutheran Men in Mission.”

Dream with me for a moment. What would it be like if your church was balanced? Not just men taking up space, but strong, earthy, godly men who were truly alive in Christ? Can you even imagine what that would be like? What it would feel like? Imagine what your church could accomplish. It could sail a mighty sea with a full sail having steady hands on the rudder which will always keep it on course. Sail on!

The Nones

Pollsters tell us that in a few years the Nones will be the largest religious denomination in the United States. They have already taken over Europe. Who are they? They are your next door neighbors, co-workers and even members of your family. They are the folks who say, “None” when asked about their religious affiliation. Now most religious folks will find this unsettling. Not me, because I have found the Caramelrolians.

A few miles west of Arena, the Caramelrolians meet on Sunday at around 10 o’clock in the morning. I am not sure but I think they are mostly Nones. We ended up there because friends of ours invited us to stop by on Sunday morning. The couple who host us have a spice shop at this location (they also bake great breads!) – but on Sunday it’s turned into a kind of church that serves coffee and caramel rolls. Those who come and eat are, therefore, Carmel-roll-ians!

This is a group of folks that live in the general area of the Wisconsin River valley from Spring Green all the way up to Mazomanie. They come together because they have found that they like each other and in liking (loving?) one another they find comfort, support and friendship. When one is sick, all offer help. When Sabine went through her stem cell transplant and was recovering at home, one of the women came by and taught her how to knit. I am sure some even prayed for her.

Last Sunday I was reminded of something I recently heard -- a theologian who has stopped talking about God; instead of telling, he now asks. He asks people talk about where they have experienced God in their lives. Very few of us have not experienced God in our lives – even most Nones. God is not in any way absent from the lives of Nones. Most of them tell me that they don’t go to a “regular” church because they don’t experience God in such a setting. Most of the Caramelrolians live in the beautiful unglaciated area which surrounds us, some have farmed this region for many years, and they have a deep love of the land and continually marvel at the wondrous creation which surrounds them – a God-filled creation.

On any given Sunday, there are three or four tables of Caramelrolians, some are mixed and some happen to be gender specific. I have sat with the mixes but I have to admit I find the women’s table more interesting: livelier conversations and more attentive to group process. The guys? Well, when the guys get together at the same table the conversation is rather tedious, you know, “guy talk” --- cautious conversation; no feelings, no sharing. So, I tend to sit with the ladies.

Sabine and I still go to the “regular” church, but then we head west to the Caramelrolians on most Sunday mornings. They are good people. They have their burdens to share and others who listen and give support. They die, they are grieved, and their friends often end up going to their funeral which, more often than not, is held at a church. There is something to be said about building community, engaging in generous listening, sharing our lives, and supporting one another. Because when that happens, God is present and experienced. Maybe most of the Caramelrolians will check “None” when queried about their religious affiliation, but I have a sneaking suspicion that if you asked any of them if they experienced God in their lives it would be in that little shop on Highway 14 on Sunday mornings.

What Happened to Footwashing?

I have been thinking a lot about what Jesus taught about leadership in Mark’s gospel. In it, Jesus says some strong words on how he wants his followers to use power,

You’ve observed how godless rulers throw their weight around, and when people get a little power how quickly it goes to their heads. It’s not going to be that way with you. Whoever wants to be great among you must become a servant (10:42-45, from Eugene Peterson’s translation, The Message).

How does this teaching inform our lives – our relationships and our work place behavior? Are we, who say we follow Jesus, “servants” of others? For those of us in leadership positions (and that’s most of us when we consider being a parent is being a leader), have we been able to avoid our power over others from going to our heads?

But there is another teaching in the bible that we overlook along with Jesus’ words about leadership. It also has to do with leadership. It comes from John’s gospel.

Then [Jesus] poured water into a basin and began to wash the feet of the disciples, drying them with his apron. When he got to Simon Peter, Peter said, "Master, you wash my feet?" Jesus answered, "You don't understand now what I'm doing, but it will be clear enough to you later." Peter persisted, "You're not going to wash my feet—ever!" Jesus said, "If I don't wash you, you can't be part of what I'm doing." "Master!" said Peter. "Not only my feet, then. Wash my hands! Wash my head!" (13:7-9)

What Jesus did here could be a very strong argument that a major part of the Eucharist would be the washing of feet. It is one thing to “pass the peace” among one another on Sunday, another thing to wash each other’s feet! If foot washing was also a sacramental act, wouldn’t it help keep us all from having power go to our heads? Jesus’ washing of feet occurred at the same time he blessed, broke and gave bread and wine to his disciples. He told them to do this in remembrance of him. Did we forget about the foot washing?

Ceremonial washing is also a big part of the Hebrew bible. It could be said that we come from a strong tradition of washing. In Genesis, guests were to have their feet washed (a tradition that continues among our Muslim brothers and sisters). In Exodus, God tells Moses to make a bronze washbasin and to wash his hands and feet whenever he approached the altar of God (30:17, 40:30). The Israelites were commanded to do this so they would not die when they approached God’s altar, “This is the rule forever.”

Did you ever think what an effect ceremonial washing would have upon us as we enter church each Sunday? It certainly would remind me about God’s holiness and God’s commandments! The best we can do today is that some priests wash their hands (ablutions) before consecrating the elements of bread and wine.

This brings me to thinking about church leaders. In the Book of Common Prayer, neither the gospel reading on servant leadership or on washing feet a suggested reading for the celebration of a new ministry, the ordination of a deacon or priest, or the consecration of a bishop. It should be.

As I recall part of church history in America. I am reminded that our Founders clearly stated, "No Lords, no Bishops!" This was to say they didn’t want to have an aristocracy within our government or our church. Sometimes, I fear we have gotten both.

Perhaps we should ask those who wish to be our ecclesiastical leaders not only to be faithful in prayer and study of the Holy Scriptures, but also that they acknowledge their role as our servant and, as part of their installation, do something that Jesus did – washed the feet of their followers. What better act could church leaders do today than kneel down and wash some feet? This way they would demonstrate that they are following Jesus; that they know the danger of power, and they are, in fact, our servants?

Wouldn’t it be a strong message if the next time a church leader visited your church you found him or her kneeling at the church door, basin of water and towel in hand – ready to wash feet?