Tune Up Your Relationship

Sabine and I have taught a marriage course for a number of years and often use it as a pre-marriage preparation. It was designed to help couples build strong relationships that will last. And we strongly recommend it. During the course, the following important relationship areas are addressed:

• Recongnizing each other's needs,
• Learning to communicate effectively,
• Resolving conflict,
• Healing past hurt,
• Knowing how to make each other feel loved,
• Relating to parents and in-laws,
• Good sex,
• Making time for each other, and
• Having fun together.

At the conclusion of the course, we provided each participant a check-up. And I have enclosed it below.

I suggest you use it for a discussion outline with the person with whom you have a primary relationship -- a "check up" on your relationship!

 

The Monthly Checkup

1. Are you booking dedicated “relationship time” with your partner each week?

2. Have you met his or her “top three desires” this month? (Do you know what they are?)

3. Have you talked about your feelings with your partner more than twice this month?

4. When you listened to your partner’s feelings this month were you able to do it without interrupting, criticizing, or giving advice?

5. How many times this month have you expressed appreciation for your partner?

6. During times of conflict, are you able to discuss the ISSUE rather than attacking your partner?

7. How many times this month have you taken time to generously listen to your partner’s point of view?

8. Have you spent time this month to express support for your partner?

9. How many times have you talked about your own personal hurts with your partner?

10. When was the last time you apologized to your partner and sought his/her forgiveness?

11. How many times this month have you made love to your partner in a way that communicated your love and commitment to him/her?

12. How many times have you been able to show love to your partner in your partner’s primary or secondary “love language?” (Do you know your love language? Your partners?).

Some Longer Term Issues to Work On

13. Have you been able to truly forgive your partner for hurting you? The criterion being that the offense no longer conditions your relationship with him/her. Forgiveness is a choice.

14. Have you been able to maintain independence from your parents and your partner’s parents?

15. Have you been able to forgive your parents for the ways they have hurt or failed you?

Working on improving and strengthening our relationships are the two most important things we can do this side of heaven. We know that. We’ve all witnessed break-ups among our friends, and, perhaps, it has even happened to us.

Remember -- by the time you finally take action to save your relationship, it’s often too late and neither of you have the energy to fix it! So, let's begin now.

We shouldn't be surprised that we all tend to let our relationships drift. Most of us spend more time and concern about maintaining our automobiles (and, of course, our careers) than our primary relationships. When our car breaks down, it’s inconvenient. When our marriage breaks down it’s a long-term disaster! But often it was a disaster we saw coming but chose not to do anything about it; instead, thinking we will have time tomorrow to fix things.

This checklist should help you to prevent that disaster – to begin to do something today. Putting together a good action plan first begins with the decision to spend quality time (just the two of you) together. 

Talk with your partner -- today!

The Grieving Fields

A person doesn’t often get to witness to that New Testament kind of God-power. However, my daughter, Jennifer, and I did yesterday. After three days in Los Angeles making arrangements and sorting things out after the death of my son and her brother, Matthew, we were ready for some church. We were all staying at son Michael’s home near West Hollywood and so I did a “Google-check” on local churches. I found one nearby and when we attempted to find it, but we couldn’t. We wanted to attend church to lift us up before we drove to San Diego to visit Matt’s daughter and his former wife who live there.

So both of us prayed out loud, “Lord, we need to find a church, please help us.” We drove by a Chinese Christian church but all the information on the sign board was in Chinese. We joked about that day on Pentecost when the disciples understood many foreign languages. I remarked that when I visit churches I always check out their commitment to welcoming and hospitality. I often find churches that are quite deficient in this area. We continued to drive down North Alvardo when we saw a steeple cross on a side street building. The doors were open. The sign was in English and a single parking place was available across the street. On the door was a sign announcing worship services at various hours in Spanish, Cambodian, Tagalog and English. We walked into the church and noticed the worshippers were all Asian and, we later found out, worshipping in Cambodian. A lovely young woman welcomed us, asked us to please sit down, and told us the English service would be beginning shortly and we could wait here.

Soon we were served Holy Communion, the woman who greeted us took a seat behind us and told us the minister was preaching on Philippians, chapter 4:

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you” (my emphasis).

We quietly talked to the woman and then she put her hands on our shoulders and began to pray for our family, the journey we were on, and healing. Whaap! Tears of strength, healing, and restoration filled our eyes. We were truly anointed – blessed – strengthened!

After the service we were invited to lunch and ate a wonderful Cambodian meal with bread that reminded me of my visit to Cambodia some years ago. Then the pastor came and talked to us. He told us that he knew about grief. He had lost his parents, brothers and sisters in the “killing fields” of Cambodia (see: http://www.charismamag.com/index.php/news/20236-notorious-cambodian-killer-seeks-forgiveness), fled to Thailand, found Christ in the refugee camp, and arrived virtually alone and penniless in America. But he had something. He had the hope and faith of Jesus. He went to work, then bible college, and now had been a pastor for over twenty years! What a witness from a man who knew deep pain! The kind of pain Jennifer and I and the rest of my family were presently experiencing.

After lunch we headed south to San Diego – strengthened and anointed. Seeing Matt’s daughter, my granddaughter, and Jenny's neice again was another blessing. Jenny sat her down and they did artwork together, His daughter, who is seven, drew beautiful pictures of her and her dad at the water park we visited this summer, their time at the beach here in California, and playing ball together. More healing. And then she drew a beautiful, multi-colored picture of how she imagined heaven to be: “A great place!” and then wrote this on it:

“Dear Daddy, I will miss you so much!"

God’s restoration continues… "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten…” (Joel 2:25).

In the morning we drove back to Los Angeles. We will meet as a family at the farm on Saturday.

More on the Death of a Son

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On the Death of a Son

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