Spiritual Rumblings

The Power of Forgiveness

Where have I been? Hmmm... life is what happens to you while you are living. It's been six months since my last post here. I have to confess that I have been immersed in the police side of my life since the tragic events in Ferguson, Missouri. You can see all that on my police blog which has been active since 2011 and has now over 350 posts on police and their improvement.

Along with my role as police author and blogger, I remain active as an Episcopal priest and pastor of a small, faithful flock of Christians who attend St. Peter's in North Lake, Wisconsin. My third role is that of "nurse practitioner" as I partner with my beautiful and longstanding, best-fried wife-companion Sabine beginning our 8th year fighting a pernicious cancer of the blood called "multiple myeloma." The cancer came upon us in the form or Sabine's kidney failure -- in which we also try to control through home hemodialysis five days a week.

In spite of all this, we remain active (except for a couple of falls and cracked bones during the past 18 months) as hikers, boaters, travelers, and family matri and patri-arches! Life is still a hoot and we go by our family mantra -- "It doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful."

Spiritually, I deeply feel that I have been called to plant the first seed in a potentially abundant field. It is a seed that some of my colleagues in policing have called "the bitter pill." But I believe it is a healing pill that while it may first seem bitter has within itself the ability to heal.

A few weeks ago my faith and my former professional came strongly together. Some of you may know that since my deep journey into Christianity I have tended to focus on the immense power of forgiveness. This has taken the form of writing a piece in Bob Enright's book, "Exploring Forgiveness" in which I mentioned how I had used forgiveness to heal a breach with people of color in Madison when I was the chief. Those of us who call ourselves Christian know in our heart that it is one of the foundational pieces of our faith.

Throughout my life spiritual, I have been fascinated by the power of forgiveness. I have seen its power in my family and among my friends and parishioners. I was awed by what the Amish did in Nickel Mine, Pennsylvania. And I witnessed and experienced accounts of  it during my time in South Africa hearing accounts of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission during the Parliament of  World Religions in 1999.

I was also recently reminded that the Christian movement, Promise Keepers, did facilitated an apology from it's white Christian men to those men of color. Certainly, we in the church have a lot to apologize for in the way in which we have historically supported slavery and the Jim Crow system. A recent essay on reparation by Ta-Nehesi Coates brought all this home for me once again.

What I have seen and experience about forgiveness is that it WORKS!

So, my mission, my passion, is to press the recommendation I made to Pres. Obama's task force on policing. 

I am totally convinced that the only way forward regarding police-community relations and the restoration of trust between minorities and police is for the police to begin the journey forward by first apologizing, then building on a change in their behavior, seek forgiveness from those whom the domination aspects of our system has tended to oppress. It, of course, can be a personal apology from police who know that they have acted improperly, but it is also a matter of apologizing for the past. Last month I wrote about this in the Capital Times.

As a man of faith, I am putting all this to prayer as I am reminded of an old song from my childhood days during World War II: "Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition."

My "ammunition" is my experience, knowledge, and (hopefully) wisdom.

My "praise" is prayer.

Will you join me?

Tune Up Your Relationship

Sabine and I have taught a marriage course for a number of years and often use it as a pre-marriage preparation. It was designed to help couples build strong relationships that will last. And we strongly recommend it. During the course, the following important relationship areas are addressed:

• Recongnizing each other's needs,
• Learning to communicate effectively,
• Resolving conflict,
• Healing past hurt,
• Knowing how to make each other feel loved,
• Relating to parents and in-laws,
• Good sex,
• Making time for each other, and
• Having fun together.

At the conclusion of the course, we provided each participant a check-up. And I have enclosed it below.

I suggest you use it for a discussion outline with the person with whom you have a primary relationship -- a "check up" on your relationship!

 

The Monthly Checkup

1. Are you booking dedicated “relationship time” with your partner each week?

2. Have you met his or her “top three desires” this month? (Do you know what they are?)

3. Have you talked about your feelings with your partner more than twice this month?

4. When you listened to your partner’s feelings this month were you able to do it without interrupting, criticizing, or giving advice?

5. How many times this month have you expressed appreciation for your partner?

6. During times of conflict, are you able to discuss the ISSUE rather than attacking your partner?

7. How many times this month have you taken time to generously listen to your partner’s point of view?

8. Have you spent time this month to express support for your partner?

9. How many times have you talked about your own personal hurts with your partner?

10. When was the last time you apologized to your partner and sought his/her forgiveness?

11. How many times this month have you made love to your partner in a way that communicated your love and commitment to him/her?

12. How many times have you been able to show love to your partner in your partner’s primary or secondary “love language?” (Do you know your love language? Your partners?).

Some Longer Term Issues to Work On

13. Have you been able to truly forgive your partner for hurting you? The criterion being that the offense no longer conditions your relationship with him/her. Forgiveness is a choice.

14. Have you been able to maintain independence from your parents and your partner’s parents?

15. Have you been able to forgive your parents for the ways they have hurt or failed you?

Working on improving and strengthening our relationships are the two most important things we can do this side of heaven. We know that. We’ve all witnessed break-ups among our friends, and, perhaps, it has even happened to us.

Remember -- by the time you finally take action to save your relationship, it’s often too late and neither of you have the energy to fix it! So, let's begin now.

We shouldn't be surprised that we all tend to let our relationships drift. Most of us spend more time and concern about maintaining our automobiles (and, of course, our careers) than our primary relationships. When our car breaks down, it’s inconvenient. When our marriage breaks down it’s a long-term disaster! But often it was a disaster we saw coming but chose not to do anything about it; instead, thinking we will have time tomorrow to fix things.

This checklist should help you to prevent that disaster – to begin to do something today. Putting together a good action plan first begins with the decision to spend quality time (just the two of you) together. 

Talk with your partner -- today!

Tune Up Your Relationship!

As many of you know, Sabine and I have taught “The Marriage Course” for the past nine years (see http://relationshipcentral.org). It is an eight-week evening course for couples to help build strong primary relationships that will last a lifetime and we strongly recommend it. During the course, we use a workbook that covers these important relationship areas:

-- Recognizing each other's needs,
-- Learning to communicate effectively,
-- Resolving conflict,
-- Healing past hurt,
-- Knowing how to make each other feel loved,
-- Relating to parents and in-laws,
-- Good sex,
-- Making time for each other, and
-- Having fun together.

At the end of the course, there is a monthly relationship check-up. Having “right relationships” doesn’t just apply to our relationship with God. It also has to do with our relationships with one another. Sometimes to maintain a right relationship with God is a lot easier than with one another – particularly our partner!

The Monthly Checkup

1. Are you booking dedicated “relationship time” with your partner each week?

2. Have you met his or her “top three desires” this month?

3. Have you talked about your feelings with your partner more than twice this month?

4. When you listened to your partner’s feelings this month were you able to do it without interrupting, criticizing, or giving advice?

5. How many times this month have you expressed appreciation for your partner?

6. During times of conflict, are you able to discuss the ISSUE rather than attacking your partner?

7. How many times this month have you taken time to generously listen to your partner’s point of view?

8. Have you spent time this month to express support for your partner?

9. How many times have you talked about your hurts with your partner?

10. When was the last time you apologized to your partner?

11. How many times this month have you made love to your partner in a way that communicated your love and commitment to him or her?

12. How many times have you been able to show love to your partner in your partner’s primary or secondary “love language?” (See www.fivelovelanguages.com).

Some Longer Term Issues to Work On

13. Have you been able to truly forgive your partner for hurting you? The criterion being that the offense no conditions our relationship with them. (See http://www.forgiveness-institute.org).

14. Have you been able to maintain independence from your parents and your partner’s parents?

15. Have you been able to forgive your parents for the ways they have hurt or failed you?

I encourage you to take a look at “The Marriage Course” website and think about reading Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages (see above).

Working on improving and strengthening our marriages and partnerships is the most important thing we can do this side of heaven. We know that... but... You’ve witnessed break-ups among your friends, and, perhaps it has even happened to you. Remember? By the time a couple takes action to save their relationship, it’s often too late!

We shouldn't be surprised. Most of us spend more time and concern about maintaining our automobiles than our marriage. When our car breaks down, it’s inconvenient. When our marriage breaks down it’s a ong-term disaster! It's a tsunami -- it's a Katrina! But often it is a disaster we saw coming and chose not to do anything.

The above checklist should help you to prevent that disaster – to begin to do something -- and a good action plan first begins with spending quality time together (without kids!). If you are not doing that, you may already be in trouble! Look at the Checkup List again. Talk about it with your partner -- today!