Thursday, September 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Keeping the Fourth Commandment
“Observe the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Work six days and do everything you need to do. But the seventh day is a Sabbath to God, your God. Don't do any work… For in six days God made Heaven, Earth, and sea, and everything in them; he rested on the seventh day. Therefore God blessed the Sabbath day; he set it apart as a holy day” (Exodus 20:8-11, The Message).
Sabbath is to be a day of personal rest and worship. Sabbath comes from the Greek “sabbaton” and the Hebrew “shabbath.” It literally means REST.
Now most of us who are not extremely devout and keepers of God’s law (like Orthodox Jews) fail miserably in keeping the 4th commandment. I know that I do. Why is this so? For me it has been a struggle all my religious life. As a priest, I work on the Sabbath and am busy all week. But is this good for either my soul or my body? Obviously not. God has a good reason to give us this commandment (along with the other nine) to help us live more effectively and peacefully in this life -- like honoring our relationships and not doing murder, adultery, stealing, telling lies about our neighbors or lusting after them and their stuff.
So, enough of my Sabbath avoidance! It really wasn’t the Bible that brought me to this conclusion but a powerful Yom Kippur sermon by Rabbi Chuck Feinberg – an old acquaintance of mine when he lived in Madison. Rabbi Feinberg reminded me that when we can’t even take one day off a week from our frenetic lives, how can we ever expect to be present and attentive -- to one another or to God?
I don’t know about you but I have become a slave to our technology (but at least I don’t “Twitter!”). According to researchers who study our technology use, people who work at a desk regularly check forty different websites a day. They will switch programs over 30 times an hour. They talk on their cellphones in their office, on the way home, and even while exercising. We check emails every ten minutes. And we now consume three times the amount of information we did in 1960. Are we three times smarter? I doubt it.
Sure there’s some good to our technology. We are more entertained and more connected with more people. But is the quality of our relationships better? Are we more present and aware? Do we generously listen to others? Or are we overly tied to our devices: phones, televisions, radios, DVDs, CDs, video games, IPods, kindles, laptops and Twitter pronouncements? We multi-task and think we are doing a number of tasks as well as we can do one. We can’t and it’s been proven.
We know there is a cost to all this. And the cost is stress and it affects our mental, physical and spiritual health. We are a people who are over-worked, over-emailed, stressed-out, and sleep-deprived. We are desperately in need of Sabbath!
Now I am not suggesting we become Luddites and work to eliminate the technology tools that make up our modern life and in many ways make it easier. Matt Richtel, technology reporter for the NY Times suggests, make an analogy between technology and food, “Just as food nourishes us… so, too, in the 21st century, in the modern age, we need technology. You cannot survive without communication tools… And yet, food has pros and cons to it. We know that some food is Twinkies and some is Brussels sprouts… And if we consume too much technology, just like if we consume too much food, it can have ill effects.”
With that in mind, I am going to try and limit my Twinkies and increase my Brussels sprouts! I do not suggest we go on a famine, but rather diet from some of our technology. That is why I have decided to start observing a Sabbath day each week. (And it’s about time I did this!) I work on Sunday when I preach and lead worship. It is not a day of rest for me. Sunday is also a day in which I help my wife dialysis in our home. So I am choosing another day during the week which will be my Sabbath day; that will be the day I will fast from technology and work – a day I will rest both my mind and body. This week my Sabbath day is tomorrow. On that day:
1. I will not answer the phone – I will let it go to voice mail – I will only answer emergencies.
2. I will not turn on my computer or IPhone.
3. I will not watch television, listen to the radio, or use my IPod.
4. I will do no work on that day.
5. I will restrict my automobile travel.
The purpose of Sabbath is to increase our love of God through appreciation of God’s creation. It is also a day in which we need to relax; to slow down and preserve our health and reduce the stress in our lives. Sabbath prevents us from working ourselves to sickness and an early death.
My Sabbath day will be a day in which I will be THANKFUL – Thankful to God, wife, family and friends!
I will keep you posted on how I am doing! And please pray for me!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Another Awesome Men's Retreat
 |
| Staff preparation the day before the retreat begins. |
MACKENZIE CENTER, POYNETTE, WI
I just wrapped up my 4th One Year to Live (OYTL) retreat – one as a participant and three as a staff member. All I can say (again) is WOW! This past retreat I was especially blessed by having two of my sons attend along with my brother-in-law. While it is necessary to maintain confidentiality in the retreat process, the output of it can discussed and should be! And the output I see is men changed for the better – men finding authenticity and integrity in their lives in being the man God created them to be.
We men often approach life as a battle between work and family. We are torn between the two great obligations of our lives. Around age forty we come to the perceived mid-point of our lives – half-time. It is a time of reflection and making an analysis, so far, of our life-game. How has the first half been played? What is the scorecard for family? For work? If we are behind in our life-game we need to go into our half-time with a plan. If we continue the same game plan we did for the first half and we have fallen behind, unless we change our game plan for the next half we will end up losing the one game in our life that counts.
Thankfully, the OYTL not only attracts young men to the retreat but also men who are in the second half and will be willing to share their offensive and defensive plans and techniques that put them into the winner category with younger men. Modern life is not easy. Hell, it’s damn difficult! We all know that. But unless we check on how we are doing in both of those two important life categories, the chance is that the mistakes which occurred during the first half of our life will continue being made into our second half. At OYTL, men can coach one another to a more successful second half – each man’s “A” game!
If I was to identify the characteristics of an OYTL retreat it would be these:
Christ-centered.
Biblically-based.
Spiritually gifted.
Redemptive.
Lay-led.
Biblically-based. Everything we do during the retreat is in the Bible. The retreat is designed for both committed Christian men and those seeking a deeper faith. This is a powerful God-experience few retreats provide. If a man comes with an open heart, we can almost guarantee it!
Spiritually gifted. All those spiritual gifts Paul identifies in his first letter to the Corinthians are welcomed and encouraged.
“To one there is given through the Spirit the message of wisdom, to another the message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues, and to still another the interpretation of tongues” (12:7-10)
When Jesus departed this life he said he would send us a “Helper.” This Helper is the Third Person of the Trinity -- The Holy Spirit. Jesus said this Helper/Spirit would enable us to do even greater things than he did (John 14:12). During this weekend, men encounter the Spirit, are healed, sent out, and given wisdom and strength in their lives. They become better husbands, fathers and friends – the “new creations” Paul preached (2 Corinthians 5;17, Galatians 6:15)
Redemptive. As a result of the Spirit’s mighty presence and work during this weekend and following it, men’s lives are raised up and redeemed. Change is no longer hoped for, prayed for, but felt and experienced! Men are saved from the sin that has dominated their lives up until this time. The women in these men’s lives know it.
Lay-led. The retreats are led not by clergy, theologians, or other professionals but by men who have experienced Jesus in their lives and wish to share him. Every staff member has been a participant on an OYTL weekend. Those men who are called to help others come back as staff members then serve on another retreat in a learning capacity. One their third retreat they can be assigned as a group leader. Thus, the OYTL weekends are led by men who first came as a participant. Therefore, no man asks another man to do anything he, himself, has not done and will be willing to do again.
Men, the OYTL retreats are a gift to us from God; a gift to help us stand up as godly men and be trusted, authentic, friends, husbands, fathers and brothers.
I can think of no better experience for men in today’s society than this retreat and then engaging in one of the follow-up groups.
For more information about OYTL retreats see: http://www.lutheranmeninmission.org/events/oytl.html
Local retreats at the Mackenzie Center, Poynette, WI
March 25-27, 2011 and September 15-18, 2011
Other OYTL Retreats
Colorado: July 21-24 Denver Men’s Ministry Conference and Get-Together for all OYTL graduates. (There will be a OYTL retreat in the Denver area either before or after the conference).
South Carolina: Leesville, Camp Kinard, November 5-7, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
The Spirituality of Solitude
[The following is from a talk I gave at the Annual "Fighting Bobfest," Sauk County Fairgrounds, Baraboo, Wisconsin on September 11, 2010. In it, I suggest that the solitude encountered in leadership can be a growth experience and necessary if one is to sincerely live his or her values.]
Of course, values without action are meaningless. And putting values into action is what leadership is all about. What do I mean when I say “leadership?” I think one of the best definitions comes from John Quincy Adams, 2nd President of the United States:
“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.”
In other words, leadership is enabling others to dream, learn, and both do and become more.
Leadership is not an easy task – in fact it often can become a lonely experience.
Looking back at my life, I think about the times I had to stand up and be a leader. It never was easy. It often was lonely.
As a young police officer, I requested to walk a solitary foot beat in an tough inner-city neighborhood. It was the first footbeat in that area. All the other footbeats in town served the business community. Serving this neighborhood seemed like the right thing to do. But if I was to survive, I knew I had to develop trusting relationships with those who lived in this neighborhood; those whom I was sworn to both protect and serve. (Simple words aren’t they? “Protect and Serve.” You see them on the doors of police cars in many cities, but to act on them is not so easy… “Protecting and Serving” is more than three words on a car door or business card.)
In addition, working in a place where everyone didn’t necessarily welcome my presence, and with little support from my colleagues for what I was doing, meant I had to really work on those relationships and build trust with those who lived there.
I learned a lot those during those years in which I split my time between patrolling the streets and back alleys of Minneapolis and attending classes at the university.
So, when I came to Madison as their new police chief, I already knew things had to change in the department. That’s why I was hired. I was expected to bring in reform and change especially in the way the department was handling protest. The old ways of handling conflict were simply no longer working. The basically all-white and all-male police department was fighting protesters downtown and charges of racial and gender insensitivity in other parts of the city. Nevertheless, I quickly came to see that my problem wasn’t with the community -- it was with the cops.
Many of them were not buying into my agenda for change and improvement. Most of them could not believe there could be other ways of handling protest… therefore, it came to be that anything I suggested was resisted.
Before I came to Madison, I had enjoyed the camaraderie of police officers and was part of that culture. While my colleagues may not have always agreed with my views on policing, I always felt I was one of them. When I came to Madison all that changed. To many officers. I was not one of them, I was an outsider and I felt the isolation. I had a choice. Was I going to back off or press on? Was it going to be the depression of loneliness and going along with the way things were -- or if I didn’t, would I find internal strength in the solitude I was about to enter?
It took me between 10-15 years of my life in a bureaucracy of less than 500 employees to finally build a new coalition of police officers who were educated, diverse, and committed the idea of a democratic police. During that time, I learned about the solitude of leadership.
After I retired, a team of independent researchers conducted a three-year study about changing police in Madison. They wrote this in their final report:
“It is possible to change a traditional, control- oriented police organization into one in which employees become members of work teams and participants in decision-making processes. The Madison Police Department has changed the inside, with apparent benefits as reflected by improved attitudes, for employees. This research suggests that associated with these internal changes are external benefits for citizens, including indications of reductions in crime and reduced levels of concern about crime.”
Doing so required leaders, and not just me, to know WHO they were and WHERE they were going. They had to stand up to those both above and below them who did not want to change. They had to understand and accept the solitude of leadership.
A colleague of mine recently sent me a copy of a talk given by William Deresiewicz of Yale University. It is about leadership in a bureaucracy. It was the speech he had given last October to the incoming class at West Point.
Deresiewicz talked the danger to those who attempt to lead with their values – especially those who choose to lead in large bureaucracies like the US military, corporations, churches, or large financial institutions. He was talking to young men and women who would soon be leaders in one of the largest bureaucracies the world has ever seen – the US Army.
I have a very personal interest in what he had to say. I, too, have served in the military, and studied and practiced leadership for most of my life. But even more importantly, my daughter now serves in that bureaucracy. She is an Army officer stationed today in Afghanistan. When I told her about the article by Deresiewicz that I am about to discuss, she told me that she, and her fellow junior grade officers, had already read it. That, by the way, is a very hopeful sign.
Here is part of what Deresiewicz said:
“Many people you will meet as you negotiate the bureaucracy of the Army [or for that matter of whatever institution you end up giving your talents to after the Army, whether it’s Microsoft or the World Bank or whatever—the head of my department] had no genius for organizing or initiative or even order, no particular learning or intelligence, no distinguishing characteristics at all. Just the ability to keep the routine going…”
He went on… “Why is it so often that the best people are stuck in the middle and the people who are running things—the leaders—are the mediocrities? Because excellence isn’t usually what gets you up the greasy pole. What gets you up is a talent for maneuvering. Kissing up to the people above you, kicking down to the people below you. Pleasing your teachers, pleasing your superiors, picking a powerful mentor and riding his coattails until it’s time to stab him in the back. Jumping through hoops. Getting along by going along. Being whatever other people want you to be, so that it finally comes to seem that… you have nothing inside you at all. Not taking stupid risks like trying to change how things are done or question why they’re done. Just keeping the routine going.”
Now I have spent my life in three large bureaucracies – the military, the police and the church. I have spent a lot of my energy questioning, challenging, trying to improve how things are done, and taking risks.
What Deresiewicz had to say is true in my experience. Bureaucracy is primarily about two things: pleasing superiors and never taking a risk; in short, being mediocre! – just “keeping the routine going.”
The danger of mediocrity becoming the norm in our nation’s major institutions is very troubling. In fact, it is down-right disturbing!
But being fore-warned is being fore-armed. While those entering into leadership may hold our nation’s values, they will be confronted with things that are wrong in their organizations and the question will be, “Will they have the courage to do what is right?” Believing and doing do not necessarily flow out from one another.
But more importantly, will they – or you -- even know what the right thing is? Because when you stand and say, “No, I refuse,” to authority; when you challenge a wrong-headed policy or illegal or immoral organizational direction, when you say “this is not right and I will not do it!” you may lose loyalty, support, or the approval of those serving both above and below you -- maybe even your friends. You may lose your job or your best friend!
And that is where solitude comes in. And that is why it is important for you, if you choose to lead, to know WHO you really are and WHAT you truly stand for. And be able to do it when almost everyone will think you are either wrong or a trouble-maker!
“I was only following orders” doesn’t cut it anymore. Leaders must prepare themselves to act on the tough situations before they happen. It’s not what the company or organization believes, it’s not even what the church believes, or what your friends or colleagues believe – It’s what YOU believe!
Now you have heard both the words “loneliness” and “solitude” today. They are closely related. But they are different. If doing the right thing results in loneliness rather than in the spiritual strength that can be found in solitude, then making the right choice, the right decision, will be difficult, if not impossible.
To Deresiewicz, the very essence of leadership is solitude.
“The position of the leader is ultimately an intensely solitary, even intensely lonely one. However many people you may consult, you are the one who has to make the hard decisions. And at such moments, all you really have is yourself.”
And I would add that you must be in the position of both preparing for and knowing that you are enough to do the right thing in the face of all the pressure and sanctions your organization can throw in your face – and your career. That means thinking about what you are going to do before your values are challenged.
Let’s now look at the impact that leadership can have outside the bureaucracy. Can leadership outside the bureaucracy have an impact? Well, in 2006, Greg Mortenson, a former mountain climber turned humanitarian wrote a book about his work in Pakistan called Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Promote Peace ... One School at a Time. If you haven’t read the book, you should.
The original title captures what this book is really all about Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Fight Terrorism and Build Nations ... It’s about fighting terrorism and building nations without killing people. For nine years now we have been retaliating for what happened on this day nine years ago. We have killed and been killed. We have spent trillions of dollars. And how’s it working for us?
Greg Mortenson has another idea. His title, “Three cups of tea” comes from a local saying in the Baltistan area of Pakistan:
The first time you share tea with me, you are a stranger.
The second time you take tea, you are an honored guest.
The third time you share a cup of tea, you become family.
Working outside of government agencies, outside of bureaucracy, Mortenson was able to “become family;” to build hundreds schools, which educated girls along with boys, in the rural areas of Pakistan and Afghanistan. A lesson for America? Didn’t we do this after World War II? Didn’t we help those with whom we were at war rebuild their nations?
“USA Today” recently reported that General Petraeus had read Mortenson’s book and ordered his staff to do likewise. This is encouraging. Perhaps in this giant bureaucracy, someone will question, will try something new, will take a risk… will be a leader!
The question is whether or not there is a better way of helping people other than by threat and force? Does killing people lead to their submission or their resistance? I think we all know the answer to that question. We don’t have to look too far back in history to find it.
Now I am not an absolute pacifist. I believe physical force should always be a last resort. I can support armed intervention when we follow the principles of what we Christians call a “just war.” However, when we use physical force, either individually or as a nation, we must admit it is a failure of both our leadership and diplomacy.
After General Petraeus had read the book, Mortenson reported that he received an email from him with three points he said he had gleaned from the book:
• Build relationships,
• listen more, and
• have more humility and respect.
Well, that IS another way… but will the largest bureaucracy in the world, in the richest nation in the world, be able to implement new ways of thinking and new approaches in order to keep America safe?
Being able to do this could not only save thousands of lives and billions of dollars but could make the world a better and safer place for every one of us. Just to put this into perspective: We can build almost 20 schools for the cost of putting one soldier in Afghanistan for one year.
The sooner the rest of our government and military can begin to practice the leadership implied in those three points:
• building trusting relationships,
• generously listening to others, and
• being humble and respectful while doing it,
the safer we will be at home and abroad. And, more importantly, we will be a better people for having done it.
When we practice these three values not only in our foreign policy, but in our personal relationships at home, at work and in our neighborhoods, we will see our lives become better.
So let’s try it now. Seriously, turn to a person around you whom you do not know. Introduce yourself to that person,
• Ask them why they are here today.
• Listen to what they have to say.
• Then tell them who you are and why you are here.
Well, how was it? I think it is now time for us to strongly define ourselves as to who we are as a people. We are not what others around the world see us to be. As long as those misrepresentations exist, we are all in grave danger. And that is why the last election was about hope, participation, and peace.
Now let’s make sure these values result in ACTION throughout our nation.
When we require those who represent us from town boards to school boards; from city councils to Congress, to recognize and practice our values like building relationships, listening, and being humble and respectful toward others, we will be a country which truly promotes peace – ONE PERSON, ONE RELATIONSHIP AT A TIME!
Thank you for listening and reaching out to one another. May God bless you -- and God bless America and all the nations of the world!
[William Deresiewicz West Point speech can be found at: http://www.theamericanscholar.org/solitude-and-leadership/#hide]
LEADING VALUES
It is difficult to separate the personal values we all hold from those which were held by the Founders of this great nation and immortalized in our Constitution and Bill of Rights. These human rights values should not only drive not only our institutions and their leaders, but also our daily lives and behavior.Of course, values without action are meaningless. And putting values into action is what leadership is all about. What do I mean when I say “leadership?” I think one of the best definitions comes from John Quincy Adams, 2nd President of the United States:
“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.”
In other words, leadership is enabling others to dream, learn, and both do and become more.
Leadership is not an easy task – in fact it often can become a lonely experience.
Looking back at my life, I think about the times I had to stand up and be a leader. It never was easy. It often was lonely.
As a young police officer, I requested to walk a solitary foot beat in an tough inner-city neighborhood. It was the first footbeat in that area. All the other footbeats in town served the business community. Serving this neighborhood seemed like the right thing to do. But if I was to survive, I knew I had to develop trusting relationships with those who lived in this neighborhood; those whom I was sworn to both protect and serve. (Simple words aren’t they? “Protect and Serve.” You see them on the doors of police cars in many cities, but to act on them is not so easy… “Protecting and Serving” is more than three words on a car door or business card.)
In addition, working in a place where everyone didn’t necessarily welcome my presence, and with little support from my colleagues for what I was doing, meant I had to really work on those relationships and build trust with those who lived there.
I learned a lot those during those years in which I split my time between patrolling the streets and back alleys of Minneapolis and attending classes at the university.
So, when I came to Madison as their new police chief, I already knew things had to change in the department. That’s why I was hired. I was expected to bring in reform and change especially in the way the department was handling protest. The old ways of handling conflict were simply no longer working. The basically all-white and all-male police department was fighting protesters downtown and charges of racial and gender insensitivity in other parts of the city. Nevertheless, I quickly came to see that my problem wasn’t with the community -- it was with the cops.
Many of them were not buying into my agenda for change and improvement. Most of them could not believe there could be other ways of handling protest… therefore, it came to be that anything I suggested was resisted.
Before I came to Madison, I had enjoyed the camaraderie of police officers and was part of that culture. While my colleagues may not have always agreed with my views on policing, I always felt I was one of them. When I came to Madison all that changed. To many officers. I was not one of them, I was an outsider and I felt the isolation. I had a choice. Was I going to back off or press on? Was it going to be the depression of loneliness and going along with the way things were -- or if I didn’t, would I find internal strength in the solitude I was about to enter?
It took me between 10-15 years of my life in a bureaucracy of less than 500 employees to finally build a new coalition of police officers who were educated, diverse, and committed the idea of a democratic police. During that time, I learned about the solitude of leadership.
After I retired, a team of independent researchers conducted a three-year study about changing police in Madison. They wrote this in their final report:
“It is possible to change a traditional, control- oriented police organization into one in which employees become members of work teams and participants in decision-making processes. The Madison Police Department has changed the inside, with apparent benefits as reflected by improved attitudes, for employees. This research suggests that associated with these internal changes are external benefits for citizens, including indications of reductions in crime and reduced levels of concern about crime.”
Doing so required leaders, and not just me, to know WHO they were and WHERE they were going. They had to stand up to those both above and below them who did not want to change. They had to understand and accept the solitude of leadership.
A colleague of mine recently sent me a copy of a talk given by William Deresiewicz of Yale University. It is about leadership in a bureaucracy. It was the speech he had given last October to the incoming class at West Point.
Deresiewicz talked the danger to those who attempt to lead with their values – especially those who choose to lead in large bureaucracies like the US military, corporations, churches, or large financial institutions. He was talking to young men and women who would soon be leaders in one of the largest bureaucracies the world has ever seen – the US Army.
I have a very personal interest in what he had to say. I, too, have served in the military, and studied and practiced leadership for most of my life. But even more importantly, my daughter now serves in that bureaucracy. She is an Army officer stationed today in Afghanistan. When I told her about the article by Deresiewicz that I am about to discuss, she told me that she, and her fellow junior grade officers, had already read it. That, by the way, is a very hopeful sign.
Here is part of what Deresiewicz said:
“Many people you will meet as you negotiate the bureaucracy of the Army [or for that matter of whatever institution you end up giving your talents to after the Army, whether it’s Microsoft or the World Bank or whatever—the head of my department] had no genius for organizing or initiative or even order, no particular learning or intelligence, no distinguishing characteristics at all. Just the ability to keep the routine going…”
He went on… “Why is it so often that the best people are stuck in the middle and the people who are running things—the leaders—are the mediocrities? Because excellence isn’t usually what gets you up the greasy pole. What gets you up is a talent for maneuvering. Kissing up to the people above you, kicking down to the people below you. Pleasing your teachers, pleasing your superiors, picking a powerful mentor and riding his coattails until it’s time to stab him in the back. Jumping through hoops. Getting along by going along. Being whatever other people want you to be, so that it finally comes to seem that… you have nothing inside you at all. Not taking stupid risks like trying to change how things are done or question why they’re done. Just keeping the routine going.”
Now I have spent my life in three large bureaucracies – the military, the police and the church. I have spent a lot of my energy questioning, challenging, trying to improve how things are done, and taking risks.
What Deresiewicz had to say is true in my experience. Bureaucracy is primarily about two things: pleasing superiors and never taking a risk; in short, being mediocre! – just “keeping the routine going.”
The danger of mediocrity becoming the norm in our nation’s major institutions is very troubling. In fact, it is down-right disturbing!
But being fore-warned is being fore-armed. While those entering into leadership may hold our nation’s values, they will be confronted with things that are wrong in their organizations and the question will be, “Will they have the courage to do what is right?” Believing and doing do not necessarily flow out from one another.
But more importantly, will they – or you -- even know what the right thing is? Because when you stand and say, “No, I refuse,” to authority; when you challenge a wrong-headed policy or illegal or immoral organizational direction, when you say “this is not right and I will not do it!” you may lose loyalty, support, or the approval of those serving both above and below you -- maybe even your friends. You may lose your job or your best friend!
And that is where solitude comes in. And that is why it is important for you, if you choose to lead, to know WHO you really are and WHAT you truly stand for. And be able to do it when almost everyone will think you are either wrong or a trouble-maker!
“I was only following orders” doesn’t cut it anymore. Leaders must prepare themselves to act on the tough situations before they happen. It’s not what the company or organization believes, it’s not even what the church believes, or what your friends or colleagues believe – It’s what YOU believe!
Now you have heard both the words “loneliness” and “solitude” today. They are closely related. But they are different. If doing the right thing results in loneliness rather than in the spiritual strength that can be found in solitude, then making the right choice, the right decision, will be difficult, if not impossible.
To Deresiewicz, the very essence of leadership is solitude.
“The position of the leader is ultimately an intensely solitary, even intensely lonely one. However many people you may consult, you are the one who has to make the hard decisions. And at such moments, all you really have is yourself.”
And I would add that you must be in the position of both preparing for and knowing that you are enough to do the right thing in the face of all the pressure and sanctions your organization can throw in your face – and your career. That means thinking about what you are going to do before your values are challenged.
Let’s now look at the impact that leadership can have outside the bureaucracy. Can leadership outside the bureaucracy have an impact? Well, in 2006, Greg Mortenson, a former mountain climber turned humanitarian wrote a book about his work in Pakistan called Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Promote Peace ... One School at a Time. If you haven’t read the book, you should.
The original title captures what this book is really all about Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Fight Terrorism and Build Nations ... It’s about fighting terrorism and building nations without killing people. For nine years now we have been retaliating for what happened on this day nine years ago. We have killed and been killed. We have spent trillions of dollars. And how’s it working for us?
Greg Mortenson has another idea. His title, “Three cups of tea” comes from a local saying in the Baltistan area of Pakistan:
The first time you share tea with me, you are a stranger.
The second time you take tea, you are an honored guest.
The third time you share a cup of tea, you become family.
Working outside of government agencies, outside of bureaucracy, Mortenson was able to “become family;” to build hundreds schools, which educated girls along with boys, in the rural areas of Pakistan and Afghanistan. A lesson for America? Didn’t we do this after World War II? Didn’t we help those with whom we were at war rebuild their nations?
“USA Today” recently reported that General Petraeus had read Mortenson’s book and ordered his staff to do likewise. This is encouraging. Perhaps in this giant bureaucracy, someone will question, will try something new, will take a risk… will be a leader!
The question is whether or not there is a better way of helping people other than by threat and force? Does killing people lead to their submission or their resistance? I think we all know the answer to that question. We don’t have to look too far back in history to find it.
Now I am not an absolute pacifist. I believe physical force should always be a last resort. I can support armed intervention when we follow the principles of what we Christians call a “just war.” However, when we use physical force, either individually or as a nation, we must admit it is a failure of both our leadership and diplomacy.
After General Petraeus had read the book, Mortenson reported that he received an email from him with three points he said he had gleaned from the book:
• Build relationships,
• listen more, and
• have more humility and respect.
Well, that IS another way… but will the largest bureaucracy in the world, in the richest nation in the world, be able to implement new ways of thinking and new approaches in order to keep America safe?
Being able to do this could not only save thousands of lives and billions of dollars but could make the world a better and safer place for every one of us. Just to put this into perspective: We can build almost 20 schools for the cost of putting one soldier in Afghanistan for one year.
The sooner the rest of our government and military can begin to practice the leadership implied in those three points:
• building trusting relationships,
• generously listening to others, and
• being humble and respectful while doing it,
the safer we will be at home and abroad. And, more importantly, we will be a better people for having done it.
When we practice these three values not only in our foreign policy, but in our personal relationships at home, at work and in our neighborhoods, we will see our lives become better.
So let’s try it now. Seriously, turn to a person around you whom you do not know. Introduce yourself to that person,
• Ask them why they are here today.
• Listen to what they have to say.
• Then tell them who you are and why you are here.
Well, how was it? I think it is now time for us to strongly define ourselves as to who we are as a people. We are not what others around the world see us to be. As long as those misrepresentations exist, we are all in grave danger. And that is why the last election was about hope, participation, and peace.
Now let’s make sure these values result in ACTION throughout our nation.
When we require those who represent us from town boards to school boards; from city councils to Congress, to recognize and practice our values like building relationships, listening, and being humble and respectful toward others, we will be a country which truly promotes peace – ONE PERSON, ONE RELATIONSHIP AT A TIME!
Thank you for listening and reaching out to one another. May God bless you -- and God bless America and all the nations of the world!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
More family reflections
From the wisdom of the ancients (that is a recent fortune cookie I opened yesterday) I found the following:
"TO SEE YOUR DRAMA CLEARLY IS TO BE LIBERATED FROM IT"
What better closure to my last reflection on family? Once liberated from our "dramas" we can progress in our relationships together.
Peace.
"TO SEE YOUR DRAMA CLEARLY IS TO BE LIBERATED FROM IT"
What better closure to my last reflection on family? Once liberated from our "dramas" we can progress in our relationships together.
Peace.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Reflections on a Family Gathering
I grew up with both movie and television depictions of family. They were as lovely as they were unreal. Families are complex, people in them have struggles and problems and children and grief and sorrow and … yes, joy and comfort sautéed with forgiveness and a sense of deep connection! As some members of my extended family assembled this past week, I was feeling a bit anxious. Three years ago, a deep and sorrowful tragedy had brought us together from the center and coasts of America – the death of my eldest son's first-born child, Allison, at 19 years of age in a single-car automobile accident. From our deep grief as a family, we began to make connections again – to set aside the past and engage in forgiveness and reconciliation. It was family and friends that uplifted my son and his wife and their three remaining children. And to many in our blended family it was a moment of faith and hope and the possibility of a future together.
If we pay attention to our families there are a great number of things we can learn about life and love. This week, at our first effort at a family “get-together,” I learned some important things: we all have images and expectations of what family should be, as parents and as children, but most of us have found that what we wanted never quite jibed with what we got. But looking at what we got, what we have, is it enough? And, most importantly can it grow better? In the end, is family worth the work it requires?
So my three learnings during this visit of most of my large and extended family for most of a week were these: first of all – it’s worth the work! To me, there is the absolute importance of faith – my faith, not necessarily theirs. A faith that is persistent and can “walk the talk” – when we tell a family member we love them, it must be forever, through “thick and thin,” through pain, hostility, anger. I learned that eventually it pays off. Love trumps!
The second learning was the importance of forgiveness and especially asking for my children’s forgiveness when I have failed them. Without forgiveness, life simply cannot progress, cannot go forward. The lack of forgiveness cripples us and binds us to anger, constant recrimination, and picking scabs off old wounds. We cannot change what has happened in our lives. I was a much better parent after I had figured out how to do it. My elder children were parented by a boy in his twenties. My younger children were parented by a man in his forties. There was a big difference. It is the acts of forgiveness and understanding that frees us and enables us to go forward into life without carrying the heavy and crippling burden of pain, anger and bitterness with us. Forgiveness means the offense we suffered no longer conditions our relationship with the person who offended us. Simply said, without constantly forgiving those with whom we are in a loving relationship there is, in effect, no relationship -- and it is going nowhere.
The third learning I had is seeing the power in moving forward – persistently moving forward in our journey. As faith and forgiveness prepare the ground, it is persistence (even tenacious persistence) that makes it all work. Moving forward is the continuous act of trying to improve the quality and character of our lives. As a man of faith it is trying to bring about God's reign on earth.
I am committed to being in relationship with my children and grandchildren. If I am to grow into patriarchy, be father and grandfather to my “clan,” in consort with my wife, be true to that which I believe, then the responsibility is on me, with God’s help, to let the loving light of Christ shine through me – through my darkness, through my failures, through my disappointments and through my hurt. I ask no more of them. Thus, I am eternally thankful for the gift that was given to me this week!
Sometimes those who marry into a family become important family players – not connected by biology but by choice. One of my daughters-in-law gave me a biblical “word of knowledge” for this week. She knew it had been years since her husband had closely interacted with many of his eight siblings. She knew I was praying for God’s lovingkindness to pour out on all of us. The Word she gave me was “integrity.” Integrity is “the quality or state of being of sound moral principle; uprightness, honesty, and sincerity.” To be Christian man or woman of integrity is to live a life that is reflective of Jesus Christ – to be sound and whole – to “practice what you preach.” Integrity is a powerful word because it is the essence of who you are.
Now you or I will never be perfect; we will always be lacking, always falling short, but the man and woman of integrity pushes on, is not caught in what I call the three religious “bugaboos:” mean-spiritness, judgmentalism, and hypocrisy! Instead, we, who call ourselves Christian, are to walk in faith; to love others as Christ loved us. We are to seek forgiveness when we hurt others, and we are to move forward and act in the world to move God’s hopes and plans for us a little bit closer to becoming a reality.
My prayer is that my children and I can move forward into the coming years with a sense of integrity in our relationships which are marked by lovingkindness, openness, trust, forgiveness, and mutual joy.
What does a good relationship consist of between adult family members? The image I have is the relationship many of us have with our cousins – a family of cousins – related, but not burdened with childhood hurts, disappointments, and unrealistic expectations. Instead, relationships marked by adult love, understanding, and joy in our connections.
May God give us strength and blessing to be the men and women he has created us to be – fathers, mothers, sons and daughters -- loving FRIENDS!
And to those who could not make it -- you were in our constant thoughts and prayers.
If we pay attention to our families there are a great number of things we can learn about life and love. This week, at our first effort at a family “get-together,” I learned some important things: we all have images and expectations of what family should be, as parents and as children, but most of us have found that what we wanted never quite jibed with what we got. But looking at what we got, what we have, is it enough? And, most importantly can it grow better? In the end, is family worth the work it requires?
So my three learnings during this visit of most of my large and extended family for most of a week were these: first of all – it’s worth the work! To me, there is the absolute importance of faith – my faith, not necessarily theirs. A faith that is persistent and can “walk the talk” – when we tell a family member we love them, it must be forever, through “thick and thin,” through pain, hostility, anger. I learned that eventually it pays off. Love trumps!
The second learning was the importance of forgiveness and especially asking for my children’s forgiveness when I have failed them. Without forgiveness, life simply cannot progress, cannot go forward. The lack of forgiveness cripples us and binds us to anger, constant recrimination, and picking scabs off old wounds. We cannot change what has happened in our lives. I was a much better parent after I had figured out how to do it. My elder children were parented by a boy in his twenties. My younger children were parented by a man in his forties. There was a big difference. It is the acts of forgiveness and understanding that frees us and enables us to go forward into life without carrying the heavy and crippling burden of pain, anger and bitterness with us. Forgiveness means the offense we suffered no longer conditions our relationship with the person who offended us. Simply said, without constantly forgiving those with whom we are in a loving relationship there is, in effect, no relationship -- and it is going nowhere.
The third learning I had is seeing the power in moving forward – persistently moving forward in our journey. As faith and forgiveness prepare the ground, it is persistence (even tenacious persistence) that makes it all work. Moving forward is the continuous act of trying to improve the quality and character of our lives. As a man of faith it is trying to bring about God's reign on earth.
I am committed to being in relationship with my children and grandchildren. If I am to grow into patriarchy, be father and grandfather to my “clan,” in consort with my wife, be true to that which I believe, then the responsibility is on me, with God’s help, to let the loving light of Christ shine through me – through my darkness, through my failures, through my disappointments and through my hurt. I ask no more of them. Thus, I am eternally thankful for the gift that was given to me this week!
Sometimes those who marry into a family become important family players – not connected by biology but by choice. One of my daughters-in-law gave me a biblical “word of knowledge” for this week. She knew it had been years since her husband had closely interacted with many of his eight siblings. She knew I was praying for God’s lovingkindness to pour out on all of us. The Word she gave me was “integrity.” Integrity is “the quality or state of being of sound moral principle; uprightness, honesty, and sincerity.” To be Christian man or woman of integrity is to live a life that is reflective of Jesus Christ – to be sound and whole – to “practice what you preach.” Integrity is a powerful word because it is the essence of who you are.
Now you or I will never be perfect; we will always be lacking, always falling short, but the man and woman of integrity pushes on, is not caught in what I call the three religious “bugaboos:” mean-spiritness, judgmentalism, and hypocrisy! Instead, we, who call ourselves Christian, are to walk in faith; to love others as Christ loved us. We are to seek forgiveness when we hurt others, and we are to move forward and act in the world to move God’s hopes and plans for us a little bit closer to becoming a reality.
My prayer is that my children and I can move forward into the coming years with a sense of integrity in our relationships which are marked by lovingkindness, openness, trust, forgiveness, and mutual joy.
What does a good relationship consist of between adult family members? The image I have is the relationship many of us have with our cousins – a family of cousins – related, but not burdened with childhood hurts, disappointments, and unrealistic expectations. Instead, relationships marked by adult love, understanding, and joy in our connections.
May God give us strength and blessing to be the men and women he has created us to be – fathers, mothers, sons and daughters -- loving FRIENDS!
And to those who could not make it -- you were in our constant thoughts and prayers.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Summer Musings...
This morning I was talking to a pastor-friend of mine. He had been asked to officiate at a memorial service by the son of the deceased man -- a man who did not consider himself to be religious or profess a faith. These are always tough spiritual assignments for clergy -- it is at the occasion of both weddings and funerals when the "unchurched" present themselves.
When a clergyperson stands up to address those present at either of these two occasions I always sense a tension in the assembly. The tension is there because who of us has not sat through a painful sermon on these occasions? On top of that, as I reminded a group of assembled Christians the other day, "Before we pray, let us be reminded that those outside of our faith consider us to be mean-spirited, judgmental, and hypocritical... now how can we not be like that?"
Now back to the memorial service of a man who did not profess a religion:
I suggested my friend might say something like this: "We all might not be religious, but most of us i would guess would ourselves 'spiritual.' What does that mean? To me, to be spiritual is to be open to the Spirit... to acknowledge there is an "other;" something outside u and greater than we are. Perhaps it's just being open to and humble in the world.
"I happen to be a Christian... that means that I seek the Other through Jesus. Jesus is my way. He may not be yours... but that doesn't mean God's work in you is in any way negated. I do not consider it my life's work to convert you -- my life's work is to try to live as I believe -- and that's more than enough work for me!
"I believe, and my Holy Scriptures tell me that God created each one of us -- all of us -- in God's image. Those of us who are religious or spiritual try to seek and know the Spirit that emanates from God. We also know that we must also to seek the "God-image" in the one another. In the process of seeing God in others we can more realistically work for peace in the world.
"Today, we come together to remember a man in whom God's image was planted. As we all have this "imprintation," we all have a piece of God in us.
"I didn't know him whom we are memorializing. I never met him, but I do know his son who is here with us today (and I see this imprinting of both God and his father in him).
"Now I would like to stop talking and sit down and listen to you, those of you who knew and loved this man. I would like to hear what you remember most about him and how you saw God's light/image shine through him...."
And sit down.
Have a blessed summer. For you men, remember the retreat coming up next month at the MacKenzie Center near Poynette, WI (September 17-19). It is a great spiritual retreat and I guarantee it will change your life for the better!
When a clergyperson stands up to address those present at either of these two occasions I always sense a tension in the assembly. The tension is there because who of us has not sat through a painful sermon on these occasions? On top of that, as I reminded a group of assembled Christians the other day, "Before we pray, let us be reminded that those outside of our faith consider us to be mean-spirited, judgmental, and hypocritical... now how can we not be like that?"
Now back to the memorial service of a man who did not profess a religion:
I suggested my friend might say something like this: "We all might not be religious, but most of us i would guess would ourselves 'spiritual.' What does that mean? To me, to be spiritual is to be open to the Spirit... to acknowledge there is an "other;" something outside u and greater than we are. Perhaps it's just being open to and humble in the world.
"I happen to be a Christian... that means that I seek the Other through Jesus. Jesus is my way. He may not be yours... but that doesn't mean God's work in you is in any way negated. I do not consider it my life's work to convert you -- my life's work is to try to live as I believe -- and that's more than enough work for me!
"I believe, and my Holy Scriptures tell me that God created each one of us -- all of us -- in God's image. Those of us who are religious or spiritual try to seek and know the Spirit that emanates from God. We also know that we must also to seek the "God-image" in the one another. In the process of seeing God in others we can more realistically work for peace in the world.
"Today, we come together to remember a man in whom God's image was planted. As we all have this "imprintation," we all have a piece of God in us.
"I didn't know him whom we are memorializing. I never met him, but I do know his son who is here with us today (and I see this imprinting of both God and his father in him).
"Now I would like to stop talking and sit down and listen to you, those of you who knew and loved this man. I would like to hear what you remember most about him and how you saw God's light/image shine through him...."
And sit down.
Have a blessed summer. For you men, remember the retreat coming up next month at the MacKenzie Center near Poynette, WI (September 17-19). It is a great spiritual retreat and I guarantee it will change your life for the better!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Knowing Our Fathers
Do we know our fathers?
Do any of us know our father? I mean really know him? At a recent get-together, the subject of fathers came up. And one of the questions was this: “Do any of us really know our fathers? Who they really are?” After some thought, no one said they really knew their fathers. Men most of them had spent most of their lives with, worked with them, lived with them.
For those of us who have already lost their fathers this is a sad reminder that our fathers had died with few of us being able to really get to know them. My father lost his father when he was in high school during the depression. Long after my father died, I learned from a relative that, as a boy, he was the one who found his father in the family car – dead of a stroke at age 53. What was that like? How did it affect him? How did he get through this terrible loss? For me, this would have explained a lot of my father’s puzzling behavior in his life. But it never came up and we never talked about it.
After your parents are gone you remember the things you’d wished you’d asked them. Maybe we were too young at the time to know what questions to ask our fathers. Maybe the only way we break the inter-generational cycles in which we have inherited (like not showing our emotions, attitudes about women, always being the strong one, and so on) is by intentionally confronting them.
I remember my dad making fun of me because I shared diaper changes with my wife. I ignored him at the time, but today it would have been interesting to have asked him where he got such ideas and where did they come from?
We men often find ourselves isolated. Some of us have been able to develop good friends with our wives, but when it comes to close, intimate relationships with other men, we avoid them at all costs. A great number of men in our society have no real friend beside their wife – no wonder few survive if she dies before he does.
In the 1970s, women banded together in the feminist movement and found they could create better lives for themselves and their daughters than the lives they saw their mothers and grandmothers live. Perhaps it is time for men to do the same: to get together and work on developing deep, honest and trustworthy friendships with other men including their fathers.
What was your father’s life like when he was growing up? If he served during a war, how did that experience help or hinder his life? What were his hopes and dreams? What does he identify as his “dominant life values” and how has he acted on them? Once your father is gone, these questions, and others you may have, will never have a chance to be answered. Maybe today is the day you sit down with your father and say, “Dad, there are some things about you I would like to know…”
You may not get your questions answered, but if you never ask them -- you never will!
Do any of us know our father? I mean really know him? At a recent get-together, the subject of fathers came up. And one of the questions was this: “Do any of us really know our fathers? Who they really are?” After some thought, no one said they really knew their fathers. Men most of them had spent most of their lives with, worked with them, lived with them.
For those of us who have already lost their fathers this is a sad reminder that our fathers had died with few of us being able to really get to know them. My father lost his father when he was in high school during the depression. Long after my father died, I learned from a relative that, as a boy, he was the one who found his father in the family car – dead of a stroke at age 53. What was that like? How did it affect him? How did he get through this terrible loss? For me, this would have explained a lot of my father’s puzzling behavior in his life. But it never came up and we never talked about it.
After your parents are gone you remember the things you’d wished you’d asked them. Maybe we were too young at the time to know what questions to ask our fathers. Maybe the only way we break the inter-generational cycles in which we have inherited (like not showing our emotions, attitudes about women, always being the strong one, and so on) is by intentionally confronting them.
I remember my dad making fun of me because I shared diaper changes with my wife. I ignored him at the time, but today it would have been interesting to have asked him where he got such ideas and where did they come from?
We men often find ourselves isolated. Some of us have been able to develop good friends with our wives, but when it comes to close, intimate relationships with other men, we avoid them at all costs. A great number of men in our society have no real friend beside their wife – no wonder few survive if she dies before he does.
In the 1970s, women banded together in the feminist movement and found they could create better lives for themselves and their daughters than the lives they saw their mothers and grandmothers live. Perhaps it is time for men to do the same: to get together and work on developing deep, honest and trustworthy friendships with other men including their fathers.
What was your father’s life like when he was growing up? If he served during a war, how did that experience help or hinder his life? What were his hopes and dreams? What does he identify as his “dominant life values” and how has he acted on them? Once your father is gone, these questions, and others you may have, will never have a chance to be answered. Maybe today is the day you sit down with your father and say, “Dad, there are some things about you I would like to know…”
You may not get your questions answered, but if you never ask them -- you never will!
Friday, July 23, 2010
Listening to Other Christians
Sometimes it can be a real test of our faith when it comes to listening to those who profess to be disciples of Jesus. It is easy to be critical of them and dismiss what they say… however, we need to use an important filter when we hear things that just don’t seem to jibe with what Jesus taught. The filter is the LOVE FILTER: is what I am hearing and seeing marked by the radical lovingkindness of Jesus? Is it being kind to others? Will it bring about peace or discord?
Those outside our faith say they see us as “mean-spirited, judgmental and hypocritical” -- the antithesis of how anyone might image a person who said he or she followed Jesus would behave. Our response, the way we live our lives, should not be by building walls and further separations, but by building bridges, always acting kindly toward others, discerning the Jesus in each one of them. After all, being a follower of Jesus, no matter how we cut it, is being, as best we can, an embodiment of Jesus. This prescription is, course, as simple as it is difficult. And without God’s direct help and intervention through God’s Spiriit, impossible.
So, we must always keep our eyes on Jesus -- in our joy and in our sorrow, in our peace and in our desperation. Paul’s letter to the Colossians tells us that in Jesus “the fullness of God was pleased to dwell” and that when we open ourselves to Christ living in us, we become the hope of the world. Let’s give it a “go!” Are you in?
Those outside our faith say they see us as “mean-spirited, judgmental and hypocritical” -- the antithesis of how anyone might image a person who said he or she followed Jesus would behave. Our response, the way we live our lives, should not be by building walls and further separations, but by building bridges, always acting kindly toward others, discerning the Jesus in each one of them. After all, being a follower of Jesus, no matter how we cut it, is being, as best we can, an embodiment of Jesus. This prescription is, course, as simple as it is difficult. And without God’s direct help and intervention through God’s Spiriit, impossible.
So, we must always keep our eyes on Jesus -- in our joy and in our sorrow, in our peace and in our desperation. Paul’s letter to the Colossians tells us that in Jesus “the fullness of God was pleased to dwell” and that when we open ourselves to Christ living in us, we become the hope of the world. Let’s give it a “go!” Are you in?
Monday, June 28, 2010
The Spirituality of Men
If you have been following my blogs you will find quite a few of them addressing men and their spirituality. I don’t know who first said it, but it seems to be true – “Left on their own, the effect of a spiritual encounter for most men lasts less than 24 hours.” ( Now I don’t know if this applies to women or not, I can only speak for myself and what I have seen with my male friends).
I know that I have to work to keep the spiritual “fire” aglow and I have found that a group of like-minded men is the way to keep that fire burning. I can quickly fall back into my old patterns and old self without brothers in Christ around me. Thankfully, God has kept working on me, while I keep wanting to be the old comfortable person I once was and not the new creation to which God constantly invites me to become.
What all this boils down to is discipline, doesn’t it? Am we disciplined enough to grow into the man God created us to be? Will I be a disciple (of someone or some thing) which is, of course, closely related to the word “discipline”? Will we be content with being our old selves? (For me, the self I was before I said “yes” to God? And, looking back, the old self that caused a lot of pain and unhappiness to myself and others?).
Now the choice really is up to you and me. Looking back on our lives, the things we are most proud of, were they not all accomplished through discipline? (It was for me, my tour with the Marines, my time at the university, being a husband and father, and in my professional work. In each of these instances, I experienced early success and then had to do a “half-time” check -- which involved a brutal self-assessment of my unhappiness with my present self).
A self-assessment which asks us, “Are we being true to the values we claim are important to us? Are we being the best husband and father to our children that we could be? If we lead or direct other people, do we use fear and coercion to get the job done or do we use modeling, service, and fair play as the basis of our leadership? Looking back on over fifty years of my adult life I know the times I have stumbled/fallen/sinned and while it may have taken me a while to adjust my life and re-establish relationships with the people whom I loved, I finally think I have gotten closer to aligning my core values with my actions. Yet, I know I am not perfect, but I struggle in God’s direction and I hope my loved ones can see that progress.
And that comes to the importance of taking a time out – going into the locker room, so to say, of our life during a half-time break and asking ourselves these three questions about our IDENTITY, MISSION and ACTION:
1. OUR IDENTITY: WHO are we?
2. OUR MISSION IN LIFE: Why do we EXIST?
3. OUR ACTIONS IN LIFE: How do we DO this (act on our MISSION)?
This “half-time” or “life assessment” process is important for every man (and woman, too). It is the basis of who we are and what we will do in this life. While each one of us may have really screwed up royally in the past, we can make a new start – we are human beings – human beings have the ability to change; to transform and created new and better lives for themselves. That is the process of being the person God created you and I to be.
Don’t give it up! Become a disciplined person on fire for God. You cannot do this alone – you need to find other men who are willing to share their values, mistakes, shame, and hope for a better tomorrow; men who are willing to share their mission in life -- and be real about it. And you need to pray for strength and clarity.
When you find a group of others willing to go deep, to be accountable (and confidential), just remember one ground rule – “no bullshit!” We are good at being as unreal as are independent and unaccountable . God works best in community. Find yours. Through it all remember just that one spiritual maxim – “No Bullshit.” When we practice honesty with ourselves, we will quickly find God in our lives and in our hearts.
I know that I have to work to keep the spiritual “fire” aglow and I have found that a group of like-minded men is the way to keep that fire burning. I can quickly fall back into my old patterns and old self without brothers in Christ around me. Thankfully, God has kept working on me, while I keep wanting to be the old comfortable person I once was and not the new creation to which God constantly invites me to become.
What all this boils down to is discipline, doesn’t it? Am we disciplined enough to grow into the man God created us to be? Will I be a disciple (of someone or some thing) which is, of course, closely related to the word “discipline”? Will we be content with being our old selves? (For me, the self I was before I said “yes” to God? And, looking back, the old self that caused a lot of pain and unhappiness to myself and others?).
Now the choice really is up to you and me. Looking back on our lives, the things we are most proud of, were they not all accomplished through discipline? (It was for me, my tour with the Marines, my time at the university, being a husband and father, and in my professional work. In each of these instances, I experienced early success and then had to do a “half-time” check -- which involved a brutal self-assessment of my unhappiness with my present self).
A self-assessment which asks us, “Are we being true to the values we claim are important to us? Are we being the best husband and father to our children that we could be? If we lead or direct other people, do we use fear and coercion to get the job done or do we use modeling, service, and fair play as the basis of our leadership? Looking back on over fifty years of my adult life I know the times I have stumbled/fallen/sinned and while it may have taken me a while to adjust my life and re-establish relationships with the people whom I loved, I finally think I have gotten closer to aligning my core values with my actions. Yet, I know I am not perfect, but I struggle in God’s direction and I hope my loved ones can see that progress.
And that comes to the importance of taking a time out – going into the locker room, so to say, of our life during a half-time break and asking ourselves these three questions about our IDENTITY, MISSION and ACTION:
1. OUR IDENTITY: WHO are we?
2. OUR MISSION IN LIFE: Why do we EXIST?
3. OUR ACTIONS IN LIFE: How do we DO this (act on our MISSION)?
This “half-time” or “life assessment” process is important for every man (and woman, too). It is the basis of who we are and what we will do in this life. While each one of us may have really screwed up royally in the past, we can make a new start – we are human beings – human beings have the ability to change; to transform and created new and better lives for themselves. That is the process of being the person God created you and I to be.
Don’t give it up! Become a disciplined person on fire for God. You cannot do this alone – you need to find other men who are willing to share their values, mistakes, shame, and hope for a better tomorrow; men who are willing to share their mission in life -- and be real about it. And you need to pray for strength and clarity.
When you find a group of others willing to go deep, to be accountable (and confidential), just remember one ground rule – “no bullshit!” We are good at being as unreal as are independent and unaccountable . God works best in community. Find yours. Through it all remember just that one spiritual maxim – “No Bullshit.” When we practice honesty with ourselves, we will quickly find God in our lives and in our hearts.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Spirituality of Denominations
Being an Episcopalian (Anglican) is not an easy task today. Anglicans from the Global South (most of Asia and Africa) are at odds with most of us in the North and West of this long-standing global communion which headquarters rest in Canterbury in the United Kingdom. I am often asked why I am Anglican and not some other kind of Christian. Being an Anglican (“Episcopalian” in America) was not only my family’s denominational choice, but also the conscious decision I made as an adult.
The first of many factors for me were the matters of tradition and authority. As I understood the early church, tradition was important was an important part of the Christian faith along with the writings of the leaders of the Church during the first four centuries. That narrows me down somewhat to being either Anglican, Roman Catholic or Orthodox. I have to admit that I have always been a lover of formal liturgy and I would be uncomfortable worshipping every Sunday in a non-liturgical church. For example, while I admire the simplicity of the Quakers and Unitarians, along with the praise music found in many non-denominational churches today, it would be difficult for me to worship in that way on a regular basis.
I love to worship God through song and even dance. This could easily put me into a Vineyard or one of the Pentecostal churches.
But then I would have another problem, how could I live without the Eucharist on a regular basis? I know my love for the Lord’s Supper reflects the historical and traditional side of my faith. I have always tended to center my worship life in the Eucharist. Without regular reception of this sacrament, my faith life would seem empty.
I love the history of the early church and its doctrines, most which come well before the time of the Reformation. This attraction makes me, of course, Trinitarian, biblically-centered, and theologically orthodox. I do not struggle with the literal truth of the virgin birth of Jesus, his miracles, or resurrection. I believe essentially what the Church as a whole has believed at all times and places down through the ages. I am not perplexed by mystery, nor confused by miracles.
But I also have found that I have to worship in a church that respects my reason and a church that is willing to be informed by God’s continuing work in creation -- through science, medicine, philosophy, sociology and other modes learning in the world. I cannot leave my brain outside the church while I worship inside. My faith must be reasonable and compatible with the intelligence God gave me.
Now what kind of Christian would a person be who rejects central authority, love church history and liturgy (including incense!); who loves joyful worship, and values human reason? I would have to say that that person would be an Anglican; a church that has a tradition of staying together even when disagreements are present:
A church with deep catholic (universal) and historical roots.
A church deeply influenced and formed by the Reformation as well as the Age of Reason.
A church in which there is depth and breadth and does not force belief. (It is more important for newcomers first to belong, then, later, to come to believe as we do).
An historic church, yet not unable to change.
We once believed in one, unbroken Church, yet we changed and embraced the theology of the Reformers in the 16th century. We once believed only men could be members of the clergy; we now have women in all three historic orders of the church where they serve as deacons, priests and bishops (but not everywhere throughout our Communion. We once believed that a sinner had to go through a priest in order to be forgiven; we now believe this is between a believer and God.
So things we once thought important to faith, have now changed. We simply believe that if we are true and faithful to God, we, as a community of faith, will eventually find the truth.
Therefore, we are a church on a journey. During my years, I have often found out that some things are not quite so "black and white" as they first seemed to me – and if I seek to be the love that Jesus taught (patient and understanding), I have a good chance of finding the truth he taught. In the meantime, I try to live with questions that, for the present time, I may not have answers.
This is why I am an Anglican and I encourage you to go through the same spiritual process – why are you who you say you are with regard to your faith? Even as we do this we must remember one universal truth – we are all one in Christ!
And that means for those of us who call ourselves Christian -- that we are first followers of Jesus and, secondly, members of a particular Christian denomination!
The first of many factors for me were the matters of tradition and authority. As I understood the early church, tradition was important was an important part of the Christian faith along with the writings of the leaders of the Church during the first four centuries. That narrows me down somewhat to being either Anglican, Roman Catholic or Orthodox. I have to admit that I have always been a lover of formal liturgy and I would be uncomfortable worshipping every Sunday in a non-liturgical church. For example, while I admire the simplicity of the Quakers and Unitarians, along with the praise music found in many non-denominational churches today, it would be difficult for me to worship in that way on a regular basis.
I love to worship God through song and even dance. This could easily put me into a Vineyard or one of the Pentecostal churches.
But then I would have another problem, how could I live without the Eucharist on a regular basis? I know my love for the Lord’s Supper reflects the historical and traditional side of my faith. I have always tended to center my worship life in the Eucharist. Without regular reception of this sacrament, my faith life would seem empty.
I love the history of the early church and its doctrines, most which come well before the time of the Reformation. This attraction makes me, of course, Trinitarian, biblically-centered, and theologically orthodox. I do not struggle with the literal truth of the virgin birth of Jesus, his miracles, or resurrection. I believe essentially what the Church as a whole has believed at all times and places down through the ages. I am not perplexed by mystery, nor confused by miracles.
But I also have found that I have to worship in a church that respects my reason and a church that is willing to be informed by God’s continuing work in creation -- through science, medicine, philosophy, sociology and other modes learning in the world. I cannot leave my brain outside the church while I worship inside. My faith must be reasonable and compatible with the intelligence God gave me.
Now what kind of Christian would a person be who rejects central authority, love church history and liturgy (including incense!); who loves joyful worship, and values human reason? I would have to say that that person would be an Anglican; a church that has a tradition of staying together even when disagreements are present:
A church with deep catholic (universal) and historical roots.
A church deeply influenced and formed by the Reformation as well as the Age of Reason.
A church in which there is depth and breadth and does not force belief. (It is more important for newcomers first to belong, then, later, to come to believe as we do).
An historic church, yet not unable to change.
We once believed in one, unbroken Church, yet we changed and embraced the theology of the Reformers in the 16th century. We once believed only men could be members of the clergy; we now have women in all three historic orders of the church where they serve as deacons, priests and bishops (but not everywhere throughout our Communion. We once believed that a sinner had to go through a priest in order to be forgiven; we now believe this is between a believer and God.
So things we once thought important to faith, have now changed. We simply believe that if we are true and faithful to God, we, as a community of faith, will eventually find the truth.
Therefore, we are a church on a journey. During my years, I have often found out that some things are not quite so "black and white" as they first seemed to me – and if I seek to be the love that Jesus taught (patient and understanding), I have a good chance of finding the truth he taught. In the meantime, I try to live with questions that, for the present time, I may not have answers.
This is why I am an Anglican and I encourage you to go through the same spiritual process – why are you who you say you are with regard to your faith? Even as we do this we must remember one universal truth – we are all one in Christ!
And that means for those of us who call ourselves Christian -- that we are first followers of Jesus and, secondly, members of a particular Christian denomination!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Barn Dance -- The Spirituality of Family
What are the spiritual possibilities of family? Today’s families are complex social groups – no longer is there a “norm” for what constitutes “family.” In fact, what’s that saying? – The only thing normal today is the setting on your clothes dryer!
When I grew up, a so-called “normal family” was mom and dad and 2.5 kids. I never knew another child whose parents were divorced. The operating values of those families were “duty and responsibility.” Not so today. Today’s operating values, I would suggest, are “happiness and fulfillment.”
Now I am not writing this piece to complain. We cannot and should not go back to the 1950s or 60s. But what we can do is to try and better understand where we once were, where we are now and how we can proceed into the future with integrity.
In the family in which I grew up, I was the oldest and had a younger sister. There was no divorce in my family memory – and no major apparent issues. “Issues” simply were not discussed.
But when I set out from home in the late 1950s, I seemed to enter a different world. I married young when I was in the Marines (it lasted 7 years and we had three children together). My next marriage found me with three children from my first marriage, plus three more. It lasted for 15 years. The third time I seemed to get it right. My wife and I have been married for nearly 30 years and we have three grown children whom we adopted.
Now that’s a complex family! Nine children ranging from 50 years of age to 26. Eleven grandchildren. Two ex-wives. Eleven grand-children and a range of relationships not only between me and my adult children but also between those children who share the same father, but not the same mother. Nevertheless, happiness and fulfillment were, and continue to be, important to me while I feel some shame about former marriages that, no doubt, come from my growing up being taught family is about duty and responsibility – NOT about happiness and fulfillment. Yet, I can say that I recognize the problems to which I have contributed and take responsibility for them.
As I said, this is a complex family with complex relationships. The only way I can explain my family is through a metaphor – the metaphor of a large barn dance. Everyone in the community is invited to the dance. Some show up more frequently than others. There is a lot of talking – as the years have passed more participants are engaged in the talking and more are testing out the fun of dancing together. In the early years, few came to the dance, now more are engaged and there is a standing invitation to come to the dance.
Over the years, I have found that I cannot participate in every dance, nor can I be responsible for everyone’s happiness and fulfillment. I have apologized to my children that I was not always the best father. In the early years, I invested a lot of my time and energy into my career thinking that a good father is first of all a good provider. I did what I thought was bests and now I must realize that some of the decisions I made (like divorce or spending too much time at the office) was harmful to my older children.
I know I was a young father and not always emotionally available. Thankfully, I grew older and I think I finally leaned how to be a good husband and father. I continued to work on my emotional/spiritual life. In short, I have tried to learn some new dances.
All this, of course, has not been easy on my large and extended family. We have suffered the loss of a grand-daughter… my wife has an incurable blood cancer… my youngest daughter, an army officer, is now stationed in Afghanistan, and a number of us have struggled with alcohol and other drug abuse. In our journey together, we have experienced personal tragedies, life-struggles, losses and divorces along with many joys. I tend also to include in my family those who were once married to my children and are now custodial parents of my grandchildren.
This summer, some of my children have organized a “barn dance” at our farm. I sense we all are trying to continue to grow our relationships… to forgive one another… and now dancing is becoming easier.
But the bottom line for all of us (and the spirituality of all relationships) is love – how to give it and how to receive it. How will we put aside our childhood family expectations? We, like our families, are not perfect. But my continuing prayer throughout the years has been for restoration and renewal – “it ain’t over ‘till it’s over!”
After all, ife is too precious and short to waste on anger and resentment when healing is possible. Life starts out slow. Remember your summers as a youth? They seemed to last forever. Now, as we grow older, it all speeds up. What was once a summer is now a decade! Therefore, it’s a terrible waste of our life not to enjoy it – not to dance!
It is in this process of “doing family” that God can be sought and found. The true spirituality of family is being able to see the face of God in one another; being able to put aside the regrets, pain, loss, and grief of our childhood and no longer let it dictate our future. What was was and cannot be undone – and that can be okay!
I pray that you, too, will be able to enter into and enjoy your family’s “barn dance” – after all, it is the only dance in town.
Blessings to each one of you!
When I grew up, a so-called “normal family” was mom and dad and 2.5 kids. I never knew another child whose parents were divorced. The operating values of those families were “duty and responsibility.” Not so today. Today’s operating values, I would suggest, are “happiness and fulfillment.”
Now I am not writing this piece to complain. We cannot and should not go back to the 1950s or 60s. But what we can do is to try and better understand where we once were, where we are now and how we can proceed into the future with integrity.
In the family in which I grew up, I was the oldest and had a younger sister. There was no divorce in my family memory – and no major apparent issues. “Issues” simply were not discussed.
But when I set out from home in the late 1950s, I seemed to enter a different world. I married young when I was in the Marines (it lasted 7 years and we had three children together). My next marriage found me with three children from my first marriage, plus three more. It lasted for 15 years. The third time I seemed to get it right. My wife and I have been married for nearly 30 years and we have three grown children whom we adopted.
Now that’s a complex family! Nine children ranging from 50 years of age to 26. Eleven grandchildren. Two ex-wives. Eleven grand-children and a range of relationships not only between me and my adult children but also between those children who share the same father, but not the same mother. Nevertheless, happiness and fulfillment were, and continue to be, important to me while I feel some shame about former marriages that, no doubt, come from my growing up being taught family is about duty and responsibility – NOT about happiness and fulfillment. Yet, I can say that I recognize the problems to which I have contributed and take responsibility for them.
As I said, this is a complex family with complex relationships. The only way I can explain my family is through a metaphor – the metaphor of a large barn dance. Everyone in the community is invited to the dance. Some show up more frequently than others. There is a lot of talking – as the years have passed more participants are engaged in the talking and more are testing out the fun of dancing together. In the early years, few came to the dance, now more are engaged and there is a standing invitation to come to the dance.
Over the years, I have found that I cannot participate in every dance, nor can I be responsible for everyone’s happiness and fulfillment. I have apologized to my children that I was not always the best father. In the early years, I invested a lot of my time and energy into my career thinking that a good father is first of all a good provider. I did what I thought was bests and now I must realize that some of the decisions I made (like divorce or spending too much time at the office) was harmful to my older children.
I know I was a young father and not always emotionally available. Thankfully, I grew older and I think I finally leaned how to be a good husband and father. I continued to work on my emotional/spiritual life. In short, I have tried to learn some new dances.
All this, of course, has not been easy on my large and extended family. We have suffered the loss of a grand-daughter… my wife has an incurable blood cancer… my youngest daughter, an army officer, is now stationed in Afghanistan, and a number of us have struggled with alcohol and other drug abuse. In our journey together, we have experienced personal tragedies, life-struggles, losses and divorces along with many joys. I tend also to include in my family those who were once married to my children and are now custodial parents of my grandchildren.
This summer, some of my children have organized a “barn dance” at our farm. I sense we all are trying to continue to grow our relationships… to forgive one another… and now dancing is becoming easier.
But the bottom line for all of us (and the spirituality of all relationships) is love – how to give it and how to receive it. How will we put aside our childhood family expectations? We, like our families, are not perfect. But my continuing prayer throughout the years has been for restoration and renewal – “it ain’t over ‘till it’s over!”
After all, ife is too precious and short to waste on anger and resentment when healing is possible. Life starts out slow. Remember your summers as a youth? They seemed to last forever. Now, as we grow older, it all speeds up. What was once a summer is now a decade! Therefore, it’s a terrible waste of our life not to enjoy it – not to dance!
It is in this process of “doing family” that God can be sought and found. The true spirituality of family is being able to see the face of God in one another; being able to put aside the regrets, pain, loss, and grief of our childhood and no longer let it dictate our future. What was was and cannot be undone – and that can be okay!
I pray that you, too, will be able to enter into and enjoy your family’s “barn dance” – after all, it is the only dance in town.
Blessings to each one of you!
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
A Letter to Young Men
[A number of years ago, I sent a similar letter to my youngest son who was about to graduate from high school. Upon reading this letter again, I am posting for all boys who are in the process of becoming men.]
So far I have had an interesting and fulfilling life. Reflecting on this, I think it's a result of some things I have held on to that have always been important to me. Some of them I learned early in life… others only recently… some with great difficulty.
1. Life-Long Learning. High school graduation is just the start of becoming knowledgeable. Be a life-long learner. Find fun and pleasure in learning things. Some things can be self-taught, but for others we need wise teachers. You will never be too old to learn. And not to continually learn in today’s society is to fall behind.
2. Work. Enjoy work and be happy there. If you can’t find fulfillment and happiness in your job, find one in which you can. Match your passion with your vocation. It's a lot easier that way. Work, while essential to living a happy and fulfilled life, can be both a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because all the material things you need in life is a direct result of work, the negative side of this is that work can take over your life and ruin it and your family relationships. Work needs always to be kept in balance with your relationships. My father taught me three things about work: get there early, don't complain, and every job is a job worth doing well. What he didn’t tell me was that success at work usually means a sacrifice for the family.
3. Friends. I never realized until I was much older that a man is lucky in his life if he can count the number of his friends on one hand; that is, five real friends is a great achievement! It is always better to have friends rather than acquaintances. But friendship takes a lot of time and work. A friend is a person with whom you can trust and rely on. And that takes time. And you must be, in turn, a person who is reliable and trustworthy. My father always told me that you are only as good as your word. So be cautious with your words and your promises. Do what you say you are going to do -- and let your word always be your bond.
4. Family. If you choose to be married and raise a family, pick a partner who is first and foremost your best friend. Love is always about respect, mutuality and teamwork, not about dominance. Sex is always best when it is with a person whom you love and respect and to whom you have made a life-long commitment. When considering marriage, make sure you and your partner work well together as a team; that you share the same hopes and dreams, and that you have the highest respect for one another -- that's what sustains love through the years. I have found out that it is not enough for a woman to love you, she must also respect you. Gaining her respect is your job, not hers.
5. Health. Life is a lot easier if you begin to take care of your health at an early age. This we know about health, if we smoke, abuse alcohol and other drugs, drive recklessly, and treat others as objects, it will significantly shorten both the quality and duration of our life. Develop a life-long practice of eating well, getting enough sleep, and exercising. You also need to get an annual physical examination and take care of your teeth (and don’t forget about seat belts and sunblock).
6. Problems. Everyone has problems. Life is a series of problems. You cannot go through life without having some big ones. The test regarding problems is how we approach and handle them. My advice to you is to consider the problems you encounter as challenges -- 20 percent of any problem you encounter is the problem itself, and 80 percent it is how you respond to it. When confronting a problem, or other adversity, face it head on. Be honest with yourself, seek advice, consider your alternatives, choose the best one, keep the whole thing in perspective, and you will overcome it. After overcoming any problem or adversity, you will quickly find out that the farther down life’s road you go, the smaller the trouble related to it will seem.
7. Spirituality. God may not be big in your life right now. You are growing into a man and most men think they are in charge. My relationship with God through Jesus Christ has helped me live a better life. I can remember when God was in my life and when God was not. I now have chosen God. It is easy to forget God during your busy years of early manhood But there is a "big picture" out there -- and we are not the center. Two important truths exist: There is a God. And we are not him. Learn to know God, honor God and pray. Live a life of integrity. You'll be amazed how much easier and worthwhile your life will be.
I know that regardless of what anyone says, you will make your own decisions – some of them will be not the best and you will suffer like we all did, but as you go on into manhood -- learn from your mistakes.
While you may have had a father that was absent – either physically or emotionally, or a father who did not live up to your expectations, that does not have to rule your life. Those of us who have come from a family without a father or a father who was abusive, we can break the cycle. We can be the men God created us to be:
“Created in the God’s image,
Wild without being cruel,
Angry without being violent,
Sexual without being coercive,
Spiritual without being unsexed and able to truly love."
(Anonymous)
Young man, I bless you on your journey.
So far I have had an interesting and fulfilling life. Reflecting on this, I think it's a result of some things I have held on to that have always been important to me. Some of them I learned early in life… others only recently… some with great difficulty.
1. Life-Long Learning. High school graduation is just the start of becoming knowledgeable. Be a life-long learner. Find fun and pleasure in learning things. Some things can be self-taught, but for others we need wise teachers. You will never be too old to learn. And not to continually learn in today’s society is to fall behind.
2. Work. Enjoy work and be happy there. If you can’t find fulfillment and happiness in your job, find one in which you can. Match your passion with your vocation. It's a lot easier that way. Work, while essential to living a happy and fulfilled life, can be both a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because all the material things you need in life is a direct result of work, the negative side of this is that work can take over your life and ruin it and your family relationships. Work needs always to be kept in balance with your relationships. My father taught me three things about work: get there early, don't complain, and every job is a job worth doing well. What he didn’t tell me was that success at work usually means a sacrifice for the family.
3. Friends. I never realized until I was much older that a man is lucky in his life if he can count the number of his friends on one hand; that is, five real friends is a great achievement! It is always better to have friends rather than acquaintances. But friendship takes a lot of time and work. A friend is a person with whom you can trust and rely on. And that takes time. And you must be, in turn, a person who is reliable and trustworthy. My father always told me that you are only as good as your word. So be cautious with your words and your promises. Do what you say you are going to do -- and let your word always be your bond.
4. Family. If you choose to be married and raise a family, pick a partner who is first and foremost your best friend. Love is always about respect, mutuality and teamwork, not about dominance. Sex is always best when it is with a person whom you love and respect and to whom you have made a life-long commitment. When considering marriage, make sure you and your partner work well together as a team; that you share the same hopes and dreams, and that you have the highest respect for one another -- that's what sustains love through the years. I have found out that it is not enough for a woman to love you, she must also respect you. Gaining her respect is your job, not hers.
5. Health. Life is a lot easier if you begin to take care of your health at an early age. This we know about health, if we smoke, abuse alcohol and other drugs, drive recklessly, and treat others as objects, it will significantly shorten both the quality and duration of our life. Develop a life-long practice of eating well, getting enough sleep, and exercising. You also need to get an annual physical examination and take care of your teeth (and don’t forget about seat belts and sunblock).
6. Problems. Everyone has problems. Life is a series of problems. You cannot go through life without having some big ones. The test regarding problems is how we approach and handle them. My advice to you is to consider the problems you encounter as challenges -- 20 percent of any problem you encounter is the problem itself, and 80 percent it is how you respond to it. When confronting a problem, or other adversity, face it head on. Be honest with yourself, seek advice, consider your alternatives, choose the best one, keep the whole thing in perspective, and you will overcome it. After overcoming any problem or adversity, you will quickly find out that the farther down life’s road you go, the smaller the trouble related to it will seem.
7. Spirituality. God may not be big in your life right now. You are growing into a man and most men think they are in charge. My relationship with God through Jesus Christ has helped me live a better life. I can remember when God was in my life and when God was not. I now have chosen God. It is easy to forget God during your busy years of early manhood But there is a "big picture" out there -- and we are not the center. Two important truths exist: There is a God. And we are not him. Learn to know God, honor God and pray. Live a life of integrity. You'll be amazed how much easier and worthwhile your life will be.
I know that regardless of what anyone says, you will make your own decisions – some of them will be not the best and you will suffer like we all did, but as you go on into manhood -- learn from your mistakes.
While you may have had a father that was absent – either physically or emotionally, or a father who did not live up to your expectations, that does not have to rule your life. Those of us who have come from a family without a father or a father who was abusive, we can break the cycle. We can be the men God created us to be:
“Created in the God’s image,
Wild without being cruel,
Angry without being violent,
Sexual without being coercive,
Spiritual without being unsexed and able to truly love."
(Anonymous)
Young man, I bless you on your journey.
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