An Exhausting Day

I am sitting in the airport at LAX. It is 2 a.m. in the morning. I arrived here a couple of hours ago because I simply couldn’t sleep. I tossed and turned for three hours in bed. Then I got up and drove here in my rental car. Better, I thought, to go to the airport and try and get an earlier flight. No luck. So here I am, waiting for my 5:45 a.m. flight to Detroit -- and then to Madison and our farm in Blue Mounds.

I arrived in Los Angeles on Thursday. It has been an emotional rollercoaster since I first learned of Matthew’s death on Wednesday afternoon. I was able to sleep that night – but not much. And here it is already Wednesday morning! How many hours of sleep these past six days? Too few.

I have been staying in Michael’s home with him, my daughter, Jennifer, my former wife, Julie, her husband, Don, and son, Charley. Some of us strangers with only one thing in common – Matthew.

Any death is tragic, but a suicide seems to be even more tragic. It affects more lives, more intensely, and requires so much more from everyone. There is getting the body released from the coroner’s office, making final decisions and arrangements with a funeral home, handling the property and personal effects of the deceased, contacting his family -- especially his children.

Yesterday, we were finally able to view Matt’s body. It was a time of saying goodbye and a time for Jenny and I to anoint him before cremation. That afternoon there was a “wake” at Michael’s home. A time where his friends came, ate, and visited. It was a nice afternoon but I could feel the emotional weariness begin to deeply set in.

How many phone calls, emails, and text messages had I made and sent during these six days? At least a hundred. How many times had I wept? More than fifty. I had never felt such rolling, cyclic grief before and I had never wept so much before so many people.

And now I sit here in LAX – dazed, drained, yet with anticipation of my flight home – perhaps a time to sleep? To see, and hold and kiss Sabine again and to prepare for the weekend memorial service that will, for the first time ever, bring all nine of my children together – from California, Minnesota, Florida, Wisconsin, New Jersey, and Afghanistan, on top of that hill in our woods. It has been Sabine’s dream (and my dream as well) to see this family restored and finally acknowledging her three children as full members of the Couper clan.

The last six days have been an opportunity for me to begin the restoration process – to repair the personal damage the divorce did to me, Julie and the children. To visit Matt’s former wife and daughter in San Diego. To finally get to know Julie’s husband, Don, and their son, Charley (Jenny and Michael were there with me to help bridge that thirty-year relational chasm). To both forgive and move forward as a family that could enfold all these people. The once-thought impossible now can be possible.

Throughout this phase of the restoration, the power of prayer has been both felt and experienced. This could not have been possible; I could not have negotiated this week, without it. It has been the prayers of my children, the prayers of our friends, the prayers of numerous church congregations that have made this possible and to this I am eternally thankful. My dear, dear children and friends – thank you! And God, you are present, you hold me up, you have strengthened me through this ordeal – this tragic event – and I know you hold my son in your arms. I know you keep your promises. I know you remember the day he was born and the day I stood and held you in your church and heard those blessed words after his baptism, “Matthew, you are marked and sealed as Christ’s own, forever.” God never forgot that declaration. And when Matt, from time to time, turned his back on God, God never, ever, turned his back on Matthew. And that’s the gospel truth!

O Lord, protect us as we journey to Blue Mounds. Keep us safe. We miss Matthew. Help us remember who you are and why knowing you is important to each one of us for our healing and restoration. Amen.

The Anointing

[What are the characteristics of a writer? He writes. And he uses his writing to speak his heart. One of my primary “love languages” (see: http://www.5lovelanguages.com/) is words – and that is another reason I write…]


Today Matt’s body was available for viewing at the funeral home before his cremation. I am now back at Michael’s home after going to the funeral home with my daughter, Jennifer, my former wife, Julie, and her husband, Don, and their child, Charley.

On our trip back from San Diego, Jennifer and I decided to anoint Matt’s body prior to his cremation; to cleanse him as a sacrificial offering, but also to do to Matt as three other women had done to Jesus after he died. “When the Sabbath was over, Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James, and Salome bought spices so that they might go to anoint Jesus' body” (Mark 16:1).

This was the fearful day I had always imagined; maybe the day every member of a broken family fears – a day when a family member dies. I had both thought and feared that our shattered family would one day have to come together at the death of one of us. It is a family blended and merged and now consists of nine children. And there I was, one of my children has tragically died, took his own life. And now I stood outside the funeral home with my former wife. I said to her, “Julie, I have always dreaded this day and now it is here. Do you truly forgive me for all that has passed between us? For I want you do know that I truly forgive you.” We forgave each other, embraced and entered the building.

As we anointed Matt’s body we prayed, “Lord, received the soul of Matthew, a sheep of your own fold, a lamb of your own flock, a sinner of your own redeeming. Receive him into your arms and into the blessed company of the saints in light.” We marked him with holy oil with the sign of the cross on his head and over his heart. We told him we forgave him and loved him.

He now is healed and in a place where there is no sorrow, no weeping, no pain.

Afterwards, I had the opportunity to embrace Don, my former wife’s husband and thank him for caring for and loving Julie and my children.

I don’t know how I would have been able to have the strength to live through this week without the “sure and certain hope” of the resurrection -- and that God will hold me up. I also have the feeling of being uplifted by my friends and men with whom I have served on the OYTL Retreats for the cyclic pain and grief that continues to sweep over me is a pain and grief I have never experienced before. It is something that can drop me to my knees and yet somehow raises me up again.

Matt has now been anointed. He rests in the arms of God.

I can get on that airplane tomorrow morning at 5:45 a.m. and return home to my beloved wife and family members who will assemble on that hilltop in the beautiful unglaciated hills of Wisconsin and open themselves to more of God’s anointing through his Spirit. Integrity… Restoration… And faith in the true and living God. It is a peace that passes all my understanding. Amen. Thanks be to God.

The Grieving Fields

A person doesn’t often get to witness to that New Testament kind of God-power. However, my daughter, Jennifer, and I did yesterday. After three days in Los Angeles making arrangements and sorting things out after the death of my son and her brother, Matthew, we were ready for some church. We were all staying at son Michael’s home near West Hollywood and so I did a “Google-check” on local churches. I found one nearby and when we attempted to find it, but we couldn’t. We wanted to attend church to lift us up before we drove to San Diego to visit Matt’s daughter and his former wife who live there.

So both of us prayed out loud, “Lord, we need to find a church, please help us.” We drove by a Chinese Christian church but all the information on the sign board was in Chinese. We joked about that day on Pentecost when the disciples understood many foreign languages. I remarked that when I visit churches I always check out their commitment to welcoming and hospitality. I often find churches that are quite deficient in this area. We continued to drive down North Alvardo when we saw a steeple cross on a side street building. The doors were open. The sign was in English and a single parking place was available across the street. On the door was a sign announcing worship services at various hours in Spanish, Cambodian, Tagalog and English. We walked into the church and noticed the worshippers were all Asian and, we later found out, worshipping in Cambodian. A lovely young woman welcomed us, asked us to please sit down, and told us the English service would be beginning shortly and we could wait here.

Soon we were served Holy Communion, the woman who greeted us took a seat behind us and told us the minister was preaching on Philippians, chapter 4:

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you” (my emphasis).

We quietly talked to the woman and then she put her hands on our shoulders and began to pray for our family, the journey we were on, and healing. Whaap! Tears of strength, healing, and restoration filled our eyes. We were truly anointed – blessed – strengthened!

After the service we were invited to lunch and ate a wonderful Cambodian meal with bread that reminded me of my visit to Cambodia some years ago. Then the pastor came and talked to us. He told us that he knew about grief. He had lost his parents, brothers and sisters in the “killing fields” of Cambodia (see: http://www.charismamag.com/index.php/news/20236-notorious-cambodian-killer-seeks-forgiveness), fled to Thailand, found Christ in the refugee camp, and arrived virtually alone and penniless in America. But he had something. He had the hope and faith of Jesus. He went to work, then bible college, and now had been a pastor for over twenty years! What a witness from a man who knew deep pain! The kind of pain Jennifer and I and the rest of my family were presently experiencing.

After lunch we headed south to San Diego – strengthened and anointed. Seeing Matt’s daughter, my granddaughter, and Jenny's neice again was another blessing. Jenny sat her down and they did artwork together, His daughter, who is seven, drew beautiful pictures of her and her dad at the water park we visited this summer, their time at the beach here in California, and playing ball together. More healing. And then she drew a beautiful, multi-colored picture of how she imagined heaven to be: “A great place!” and then wrote this on it:

“Dear Daddy, I will miss you so much!"

God’s restoration continues… "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten…” (Joel 2:25).

In the morning we drove back to Los Angeles. We will meet as a family at the farm on Saturday.

More on the Death of a Son

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On the Death of a Son

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Keeping the Fourth Commandment

“Physician heal thyself – and pastor practice your preaching” How many of us struggle with the 4th commandment – you know, the one about Sabbath.


“Observe the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Work six days and do everything you need to do. But the seventh day is a Sabbath to God, your God. Don't do any work… For in six days God made Heaven, Earth, and sea, and everything in them; he rested on the seventh day. Therefore God blessed the Sabbath day; he set it apart as a holy day” (Exodus 20:8-11, The Message).

Sabbath is to be a day of personal rest and worship. Sabbath comes from the Greek “sabbaton” and the Hebrew “shabbath.” It literally means REST.

Now most of us who are not extremely devout and keepers of God’s law (like Orthodox Jews) fail miserably in keeping the 4th commandment. I know that I do. Why is this so? For me it has been a struggle all my religious life. As a priest, I work on the Sabbath and am busy all week. But is this good for either my soul or my body? Obviously not. God has a good reason to give us this commandment (along with the other nine) to help us live more effectively and peacefully in this life -- like honoring our relationships and not doing murder, adultery, stealing, telling lies about our neighbors or lusting after them and their stuff.

So, enough of my Sabbath avoidance! It really wasn’t the Bible that brought me to this conclusion but a powerful Yom Kippur sermon by Rabbi Chuck Feinberg – an old acquaintance of mine when he lived in Madison. Rabbi Feinberg reminded me that when we can’t even take one day off a week from our frenetic lives, how can we ever expect to be present and attentive -- to one another or to God?

I don’t know about you but I have become a slave to our technology (but at least I don’t “Twitter!”). According to researchers who study our technology use, people who work at a desk regularly check forty different websites a day. They will switch programs over 30 times an hour. They talk on their cellphones in their office, on the way home, and even while exercising. We check emails every ten minutes. And we now consume three times the amount of information we did in 1960. Are we three times smarter? I doubt it.

Sure there’s some good to our technology. We are more entertained and more connected with more people. But is the quality of our relationships better? Are we more present and aware? Do we generously listen to others? Or are we overly tied to our devices: phones, televisions, radios, DVDs, CDs, video games, IPods, kindles, laptops and Twitter pronouncements? We multi-task and think we are doing a number of tasks as well as we can do one. We can’t and it’s been proven.

We know there is a cost to all this. And the cost is stress and it affects our mental, physical and spiritual health. We are a people who are over-worked, over-emailed, stressed-out, and sleep-deprived. We are desperately in need of Sabbath!

Now I am not suggesting we become Luddites and work to eliminate the technology tools that make up our modern life and in many ways make it easier. Matt Richtel, technology reporter for the NY Times suggests, make an analogy between technology and food, “Just as food nourishes us… so, too, in the 21st century, in the modern age, we need technology. You cannot survive without communication tools… And yet, food has pros and cons to it. We know that some food is Twinkies and some is Brussels sprouts… And if we consume too much technology, just like if we consume too much food, it can have ill effects.”

With that in mind, I am going to try and limit my Twinkies and increase my Brussels sprouts! I do not suggest we go on a famine, but rather diet from some of our technology. That is why I have decided to start observing a Sabbath day each week. (And it’s about time I did this!) I work on Sunday when I preach and lead worship. It is not a day of rest for me. Sunday is also a day in which I help my wife dialysis in our home. So I am choosing another day during the week which will be my Sabbath day; that will be the day I will fast from technology and work – a day I will rest both my mind and body. This week my Sabbath day is tomorrow. On that day:

1. I will not answer the phone – I will let it go to voice mail – I will only answer emergencies.

2. I will not turn on my computer or IPhone.

3. I will not watch television, listen to the radio, or use my IPod.

4. I will do no work on that day.

5. I will restrict my automobile travel.

The purpose of Sabbath is to increase our love of God through appreciation of God’s creation. It is also a day in which we need to relax; to slow down and preserve our health and reduce the stress in our lives. Sabbath prevents us from working ourselves to sickness and an early death.

My Sabbath day will be a day in which I will be THANKFUL – Thankful to God, wife, family and friends!

I will keep you posted on how I am doing! And please pray for me!

Another Awesome Men's Retreat

Staff preparation the day before the retreat begins.

FALL OYTL


MACKENZIE CENTER, POYNETTE, WI

I just wrapped up my 4th One Year to Live (OYTL) retreat – one as a participant and three as a staff member. All I can say (again) is WOW! This past retreat I was especially blessed by having two of my sons attend along with my brother-in-law. While it is necessary to maintain confidentiality in the retreat process, the output of it can discussed and should be! And the output I see is men changed for the better – men finding authenticity and integrity in their lives in being the man God created them to be.

We men often approach life as a battle between work and family. We are torn between the two great obligations of our lives. Around age forty we come to the perceived mid-point of our lives – half-time. It is a time of reflection and making an analysis, so far, of our life-game. How has the first half been played? What is the scorecard for family? For work? If we are behind in our life-game we need to go into our half-time with a plan. If we continue the same game plan we did for the first half and we have fallen behind, unless we change our game plan for the next half we will end up losing the one game in our life that counts.

Thankfully, the OYTL not only attracts young men to the retreat but also men who are in the second half and will be willing to share their offensive and defensive plans and techniques that put them into the winner category with younger men. Modern life is not easy. Hell, it’s damn difficult! We all know that. But unless we check on how we are doing in both of those two important life categories, the chance is that the mistakes which occurred during the first half of our life will continue being made into our second half. At OYTL, men can coach one another to a more successful second half – each man’s “A” game!

If I was to identify the characteristics of an OYTL retreat it would be these:

Christ-centered.

Biblically-based.

Spiritually gifted.

Redemptive.

Lay-led.

Christ-centered. OYTL connects men to the life and teachings of Jesus of Nazareth and the strong, manly characteristics he exercised. Jesus was a strong man, not the wimpy guy we once met in Sunday school! (Marcus Borg said that in his book, Meeting Jesus Again for the First Time)! We think we know who Jesus is but each one of us needs to meet him again as an adult. Jesus was a man who knew who he was, why he existed, and what he needed to do.

Biblically-based. Everything we do during the retreat is in the Bible. The retreat is designed for both committed Christian men and those seeking a deeper faith. This is a powerful God-experience few retreats provide. If a man comes with an open heart, we can almost guarantee it!

Spiritually gifted. All those spiritual gifts Paul identifies in his first letter to the Corinthians are welcomed and encouraged.

“To one there is given through the Spirit the message of wisdom, to another the message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues, and to still another the interpretation of tongues” (12:7-10)

When Jesus departed this life he said he would send us a “Helper.” This Helper is the Third Person of the Trinity -- The Holy Spirit. Jesus said this Helper/Spirit would enable us to do even greater things than he did (John 14:12). During this weekend, men encounter the Spirit, are healed, sent out, and given wisdom and strength in their lives. They become better husbands, fathers and friends – the “new creations” Paul preached (2 Corinthians 5;17, Galatians 6:15)

Redemptive. As a result of the Spirit’s mighty presence and work during this weekend and following it, men’s lives are raised up and redeemed. Change is no longer hoped for, prayed for, but felt and experienced! Men are saved from the sin that has dominated their lives up until this time. The women in these men’s lives know it.

Lay-led. The retreats are led not by clergy, theologians, or other professionals but by men who have experienced Jesus in their lives and wish to share him. Every staff member has been a participant on an OYTL weekend. Those men who are called to help others come back as staff members then serve on another retreat in a learning capacity. One their third retreat they can be assigned as a group leader. Thus, the OYTL weekends are led by men who first came as a participant. Therefore, no man asks another man to do anything he, himself, has not done and will be willing to do again.

Men, the OYTL retreats are a gift to us from God; a gift to help us stand up as godly men and be trusted, authentic, friends, husbands, fathers and brothers.

I can think of no better experience for men in today’s society than this retreat and then engaging in one of the follow-up groups.

For more information about OYTL retreats see: http://www.lutheranmeninmission.org/events/oytl.html

Local retreats at the Mackenzie Center, Poynette, WI

March 25-27, 2011 and September 15-18, 2011

Other OYTL Retreats

Colorado: July 21-24 Denver Men’s Ministry Conference and Get-Together for all OYTL graduates. (There will be a OYTL retreat in the Denver area either before or after the conference).

South Carolina: Leesville, Camp Kinard, November 5-7, 2010

The Spirituality of Solitude

[The following is from a talk I gave at the Annual "Fighting Bobfest," Sauk County Fairgrounds, Baraboo, Wisconsin on September 11, 2010.  In it, I suggest that the solitude encountered in leadership can be a growth experience and necessary if one is to sincerely live his or her values.]

LEADING VALUES

It is difficult to separate the personal values we all hold from those which were held by the Founders of this great nation and immortalized in our Constitution and Bill of Rights. These human rights values should not only drive not only our institutions and their leaders, but also our daily lives and behavior.

Of course, values without action are meaningless. And putting values into action is what leadership is all about. What do I mean when I say “leadership?” I think one of the best definitions comes from John Quincy Adams, 2nd President of the United States:

“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, you are a leader.”

In other words, leadership is enabling others to dream, learn, and both do and become more.

Leadership is not an easy task – in fact it often can become a lonely experience.

Looking back at my life, I think about the times I had to stand up and be a leader. It never was easy. It often was lonely.

As a young police officer, I requested to walk a solitary foot beat in an tough inner-city neighborhood. It was the first footbeat in that area. All the other footbeats in town served the business community. Serving this neighborhood seemed like the right thing to do. But if I was to survive, I knew I had to develop trusting relationships with those who lived in this neighborhood; those whom I was sworn to both protect and serve. (Simple words aren’t they? “Protect and Serve.” You see them on the doors of police cars in many cities, but to act on them is not so easy… “Protecting and Serving” is more than three words on a car door or business card.)

In addition, working in a place where everyone didn’t necessarily welcome my presence, and with little support from my colleagues for what I was doing, meant I had to really work on those relationships and build trust with those who lived there.

I learned a lot those during those years in which I split my time between patrolling the streets and back alleys of Minneapolis and attending classes at the university.

So, when I came to Madison as their new police chief, I already knew things had to change in the department. That’s why I was hired. I was expected to bring in reform and change especially in the way the department was handling protest. The old ways of handling conflict were simply no longer working. The basically all-white and all-male police department was fighting protesters downtown and charges of racial and gender insensitivity in other parts of the city. Nevertheless, I quickly came to see that my problem wasn’t with the community -- it was with the cops.

Many of them were not buying into my agenda for change and improvement. Most of them could not believe there could be other ways of handling protest… therefore, it came to be that anything I suggested was resisted.

Before I came to Madison, I had enjoyed the camaraderie of police officers and was part of that culture. While my colleagues may not have always agreed with my views on policing, I always felt I was one of them. When I came to Madison all that changed. To many officers. I was not one of them, I was an outsider and I felt the isolation. I had a choice. Was I going to back off or press on? Was it going to be the depression of loneliness and going along with the way things were -- or if I didn’t, would I find internal strength in the solitude I was about to enter?

It took me between 10-15 years of my life in a bureaucracy of less than 500 employees to finally build a new coalition of police officers who were educated, diverse, and committed the idea of a democratic police. During that time, I learned about the solitude of leadership.

After I retired, a team of independent researchers conducted a three-year study about changing police in Madison. They wrote this in their final report:

“It is possible to change a traditional, control- oriented police organization into one in which employees become members of work teams and participants in decision-making processes. The Madison Police Department has changed the inside, with apparent benefits as reflected by improved attitudes, for employees. This research suggests that associated with these internal changes are external benefits for citizens, including indications of reductions in crime and reduced levels of concern about crime.”

Doing so required leaders, and not just me, to know WHO they were and WHERE they were going. They had to stand up to those both above and below them who did not want to change. They had to understand and accept the solitude of leadership.

A colleague of mine recently sent me a copy of a talk given by William Deresiewicz of Yale University. It is about leadership in a bureaucracy. It was the speech he had given last October to the incoming class at West Point.

Deresiewicz talked the danger to those who attempt to lead with their values – especially those who choose to lead in large bureaucracies like the US military, corporations, churches, or large financial institutions. He was talking to young men and women who would soon be leaders in one of the largest bureaucracies the world has ever seen – the US Army.

I have a very personal interest in what he had to say. I, too, have served in the military, and studied and practiced leadership for most of my life. But even more importantly, my daughter now serves in that bureaucracy. She is an Army officer stationed today in Afghanistan. When I told her about the article by Deresiewicz that I am about to discuss, she told me that she, and her fellow junior grade officers, had already read it. That, by the way, is a very hopeful sign.

Here is part of what Deresiewicz said:

“Many people you will meet as you negotiate the bureaucracy of the Army [or for that matter of whatever institution you end up giving your talents to after the Army, whether it’s Microsoft or the World Bank or whatever—the head of my department] had no genius for organizing or initiative or even order, no particular learning or intelligence, no distinguishing characteristics at all. Just the ability to keep the routine going…”


He went on… “Why is it so often that the best people are stuck in the middle and the people who are running things—the leaders—are the mediocrities? Because excellence isn’t usually what gets you up the greasy pole. What gets you up is a talent for maneuvering. Kissing up to the people above you, kicking down to the people below you. Pleasing your teachers, pleasing your superiors, picking a powerful mentor and riding his coattails until it’s time to stab him in the back. Jumping through hoops. Getting along by going along. Being whatever other people want you to be, so that it finally comes to seem that… you have nothing inside you at all. Not taking stupid risks like trying to change how things are done or question why they’re done. Just keeping the routine going.”

Now I have spent my life in three large bureaucracies – the military, the police and the church. I have spent a lot of my energy questioning, challenging, trying to improve how things are done, and taking risks.

What Deresiewicz had to say is true in my experience. Bureaucracy is primarily about two things: pleasing superiors and never taking a risk; in short, being mediocre! – just “keeping the routine going.”

The danger of mediocrity becoming the norm in our nation’s major institutions is very troubling. In fact, it is down-right disturbing!

But being fore-warned is being fore-armed. While those entering into leadership may hold our nation’s values, they will be confronted with things that are wrong in their organizations and the question will be, “Will they have the courage to do what is right?” Believing and doing do not necessarily flow out from one another.

But more importantly, will they – or you -- even know what the right thing is? Because when you stand and say, “No, I refuse,” to authority; when you challenge a wrong-headed policy or illegal or immoral organizational direction, when you say “this is not right and I will not do it!” you may lose loyalty, support, or the approval of those serving both above and below you -- maybe even your friends. You may lose your job or your best friend!

And that is where solitude comes in. And that is why it is important for you, if you choose to lead, to know WHO you really are and WHAT you truly stand for. And be able to do it when almost everyone will think you are either wrong or a trouble-maker!

“I was only following orders” doesn’t cut it anymore. Leaders must prepare themselves to act on the tough situations before they happen. It’s not what the company or organization believes, it’s not even what the church believes, or what your friends or colleagues believe – It’s what YOU believe!

Now you have heard both the words “loneliness” and “solitude” today. They are closely related. But they are different. If doing the right thing results in loneliness rather than in the spiritual strength that can be found in solitude, then making the right choice, the right decision, will be difficult, if not impossible.

To Deresiewicz, the very essence of leadership is solitude.

“The position of the leader is ultimately an intensely solitary, even intensely lonely one. However many people you may consult, you are the one who has to make the hard decisions. And at such moments, all you really have is yourself.”

And I would add that you must be in the position of both preparing for and knowing that you are enough to do the right thing in the face of all the pressure and sanctions your organization can throw in your face – and your career. That means thinking about what you are going to do before your values are challenged.

Let’s now look at the impact that leadership can have outside the bureaucracy. Can leadership outside the bureaucracy have an impact? Well, in 2006, Greg Mortenson, a former mountain climber turned humanitarian wrote a book about his work in Pakistan called Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Promote Peace ... One School at a Time. If you haven’t read the book, you should.

The original title captures what this book is really all about Three Cups of Tea: One Man's Mission to Fight Terrorism and Build Nations ... It’s about fighting terrorism and building nations without killing people. For nine years now we have been retaliating for what happened on this day nine years ago. We have killed and been killed. We have spent trillions of dollars. And how’s it working for us?

Greg Mortenson has another idea. His title, “Three cups of tea” comes from a local saying in the Baltistan area of Pakistan:

The first time you share tea with me, you are a stranger.
The second time you take tea, you are an honored guest.
The third time you share a cup of tea, you become family.

Working outside of government agencies, outside of bureaucracy, Mortenson was able to “become family;” to build hundreds schools, which educated girls along with boys, in the rural areas of Pakistan and Afghanistan. A lesson for America? Didn’t we do this after World War II? Didn’t we help those with whom we were at war rebuild their nations?

“USA Today” recently reported that General Petraeus had read Mortenson’s book and ordered his staff to do likewise. This is encouraging. Perhaps in this giant bureaucracy, someone will question, will try something new, will take a risk… will be a leader!

The question is whether or not there is a better way of helping people other than by threat and force? Does killing people lead to their submission or their resistance? I think we all know the answer to that question. We don’t have to look too far back in history to find it.

Now I am not an absolute pacifist. I believe physical force should always be a last resort. I can support armed intervention when we follow the principles of what we Christians call a “just war.” However, when we use physical force, either individually or as a nation, we must admit it is a failure of both our leadership and diplomacy.

After General Petraeus had read the book, Mortenson reported that he received an email from him with three points he said he had gleaned from the book:

• Build relationships,
• listen more, and
• have more humility and respect.

Well, that IS another way… but will the largest bureaucracy in the world, in the richest nation in the world, be able to implement new ways of thinking and new approaches in order to keep America safe?

Being able to do this could not only save thousands of lives and billions of dollars but could make the world a better and safer place for every one of us. Just to put this into perspective: We can build almost 20 schools for the cost of putting one soldier in Afghanistan for one year.

The sooner the rest of our government and military can begin to practice the leadership implied in those three points:

• building trusting relationships,
• generously listening to others, and
• being humble and respectful while doing it,

the safer we will be at home and abroad. And, more importantly, we will be a better people for having done it.

When we practice these three values not only in our foreign policy, but in our personal relationships at home, at work and in our neighborhoods, we will see our lives become better.

So let’s try it now. Seriously, turn to a person around you whom you do not know. Introduce yourself to that person,

• Ask them why they are here today.
• Listen to what they have to say.
• Then tell them who you are and why you are here.

Well, how was it? I think it is now time for us to strongly define ourselves as to who we are as a people. We are not what others around the world see us to be. As long as those misrepresentations exist, we are all in grave danger. And that is why the last election was about hope, participation, and peace.

Now let’s make sure these values result in ACTION throughout our nation.

When we require those who represent us from town boards to school boards; from city councils to Congress, to recognize and practice our values like building relationships, listening, and being humble and respectful toward others, we will be a country which truly promotes peace – ONE PERSON, ONE RELATIONSHIP AT A TIME!

Thank you for listening and reaching out to one another. May God bless you -- and God bless America and all the nations of the world!

[William Deresiewicz West Point speech can be found at: http://www.theamericanscholar.org/solitude-and-leadership/#hide]

More family reflections

From the wisdom of the ancients (that is a recent fortune cookie I opened yesterday) I found the following:

"TO SEE YOUR DRAMA CLEARLY IS TO BE LIBERATED FROM IT"

What better closure to my last reflection on family?  Once liberated from our "dramas" we can progress in our relationships together.

Peace.

Reflections on a Family Gathering

I grew up with both movie and television depictions of family. They were as lovely as they were unreal. Families are complex, people in them have struggles and problems and children and grief and sorrow and … yes, joy and comfort sautéed with forgiveness and a sense of deep connection! As some members of my extended family assembled this past week, I was feeling a bit anxious. Three years ago, a deep and sorrowful tragedy had brought us together from the center and coasts of America – the death of my eldest son's first-born child, Allison, at 19 years of age in a single-car automobile accident. From our deep grief as a family, we began to make connections again – to set aside the past and engage in forgiveness and reconciliation. It was family and friends that uplifted my son and his wife and their three remaining children. And to many in our blended family it was a moment of faith and hope and the possibility of a future together.


If we pay attention to our families there are a great number of things we can learn about life and love. This week, at our first effort at a family “get-together,” I learned some important things: we all have images and expectations of what family should be, as parents and as children, but most of us have found that what we wanted never quite jibed with what we got. But looking at what we got, what we have, is it enough? And, most importantly can it grow better? In the end, is family worth the work it requires?

So my three learnings during this visit of most of my large and extended family for most of a week were these: first of all – it’s worth the work! To me, there is the absolute importance of faith – my faith, not necessarily theirs. A faith that is persistent and can “walk the talk” – when we tell a family member we love them, it must be forever, through “thick and thin,” through pain, hostility, anger. I learned that eventually it pays off. Love trumps! 

The second learning was the importance of forgiveness and especially asking for my children’s forgiveness when I have failed them. Without forgiveness, life simply cannot progress, cannot go forward. The lack of forgiveness cripples us and binds us to anger, constant recrimination, and picking scabs off old wounds. We cannot change what has happened in our lives.  I was a much better parent after I had figured out how to do it. My elder children were parented by a boy in his twenties. My younger children were parented by a man in his forties.  There was a big difference.  It is the acts of forgiveness and understanding that frees us and enables us to go forward into life without carrying the heavy and crippling burden of pain, anger and bitterness with us. Forgiveness means the offense we suffered no longer conditions our relationship with the person who offended us. Simply said, without constantly forgiving those with whom we are in a loving relationship there is, in effect, no relationship -- and it is going nowhere.

The third learning I had is seeing the power in moving forward – persistently moving forward in our journey. As faith and forgiveness prepare the ground, it is persistence (even tenacious persistence) that makes it all work. Moving forward is the continuous act of trying to improve the quality and character of our lives.  As a  man of faith it is trying to bring about God's reign on earth.

I am committed to being in relationship with my children and grandchildren. If I am to grow into patriarchy, be father and grandfather to my “clan,” in consort with my wife, be true to that which I believe, then the responsibility is on me, with God’s help, to let the loving light of Christ shine through me – through my darkness, through my failures, through my disappointments and through my hurt. I ask no more of them.  Thus, I am eternally thankful for the gift that was given to me this week!

Sometimes those who marry into a family become important family players – not connected by biology but by choice. One of my daughters-in-law gave me a biblical “word of knowledge” for this week. She knew it had been years since her husband had closely interacted with many of his eight siblings. She knew I was praying for God’s lovingkindness to pour out on all of us. The Word she gave me was “integrity.” Integrity is “the quality or state of being of sound moral principle; uprightness, honesty, and sincerity.” To be Christian man or woman of integrity is to live a life that is reflective of Jesus Christ – to be sound and whole – to “practice what you preach.” Integrity is a powerful word because it is the essence of who you are.

Now you or I will never be perfect; we will always be lacking, always falling short, but the man and woman of integrity pushes on, is not caught in what I call the three religious “bugaboos:” mean-spiritness, judgmentalism, and hypocrisy! Instead, we, who call ourselves Christian, are to walk in faith; to love others as Christ loved us. We are to seek forgiveness when we hurt others, and we are to move forward and act in the world to move God’s hopes and plans for us a little bit closer to becoming a reality.

My prayer is that my children and I can move forward into the coming years with a sense of integrity in our relationships which are marked by lovingkindness, openness, trust, forgiveness, and mutual joy.

What does a good relationship consist of between adult family members? The image I have is the relationship many of us have with our cousins – a family of cousins – related, but not burdened with childhood hurts, disappointments, and unrealistic expectations. Instead, relationships marked by adult love, understanding, and joy in our connections.

May God give us strength and blessing to be the men and women he has created us to be – fathers, mothers, sons and daughters -- loving FRIENDS!

 
And to those who could not make it -- you were in our constant thoughts and prayers.

Summer Musings...

This morning I was talking to a pastor-friend of mine.  He had been asked to officiate at a memorial service by the son of the deceased man -- a man who did not consider himself to be religious or profess a faith.  These are always tough spiritual assignments for clergy -- it is at the occasion of both weddings and funerals when the "unchurched" present themselves.

When a clergyperson stands up to address those present at either of these two occasions I always sense a tension in the assembly.  The tension is there because who of us has not sat through a painful sermon on these occasions?  On top of that, as I reminded a group of assembled Christians the other day, "Before we pray, let us be reminded that those outside of our faith consider us to be mean-spirited, judgmental, and hypocritical... now how can we not be like that?"

Now back to the memorial service of a man who did not profess a religion:

I suggested my friend might say something like this:  "We all might not be religious, but most of us i would guess would ourselves 'spiritual.' What does that mean? To me, to be spiritual is to be open to the Spirit... to acknowledge there is an "other;" something outside u and greater than we are.  Perhaps it's just being open to and humble in the world.


"I happen to be a Christian... that means that I seek the Other through Jesus. Jesus is my way. He may not be yours... but that doesn't mean God's work in you is in any way negated.  I do not consider it my life's work to convert you -- my life's work is to try to live as I believe -- and that's more than enough work for me!

"I believe, and my Holy Scriptures tell me that God created each one of us -- all of us -- in God's image. Those of us who are religious or spiritual try to seek and know the Spirit that emanates from God.  We also know that we must also to seek the "God-image" in  the one another.  In the process of seeing God in others we can more realistically work for peace in the world.

"Today, we come together to remember a man in whom God's image was planted.  As we all have this "imprintation," we all have a piece of God in us.

"I didn't know him whom we are memorializing.  I never met him, but I do know his son who is here with us today (and I see this imprinting of both God and his father in him).

"Now I would like to stop talking and sit down and listen to you, those of you who knew and loved this man.  I would like to hear what you remember most about him and how you saw God's light/image shine through him...."

And sit down.

Have a blessed summer.  For you men, remember the retreat coming up next month at the MacKenzie Center near Poynette, WI (September 17-19).  It is a great spiritual retreat and I guarantee it will change your life for the better!

Knowing Our Fathers

Do we know our fathers?

Do any of us know our father? I mean really know him? At a recent get-together, the subject of fathers came up. And one of the questions was this: “Do any of us really know our fathers? Who they really are?” After some thought, no one said they really knew their fathers. Men most of them had spent most of their lives with, worked with them, lived with them.

For those of us who have already lost their fathers this is a sad reminder that our fathers had died with few of us being able to really get to know them. My father lost his father when he was in high school during the depression. Long after my father died, I learned from a relative that, as a boy, he was the one who found his father in the family car – dead of a stroke at age 53. What was that like? How did it affect him? How did he get through this terrible loss? For me, this would have explained a lot of my father’s puzzling behavior in his life. But it never came up and we never talked about it.

After your parents are gone you remember the things you’d wished you’d asked them. Maybe we were too young at the time to know what questions to ask our fathers. Maybe the only way we break the inter-generational cycles in which we have inherited (like not showing our emotions, attitudes about women, always being the strong one, and so on) is by intentionally confronting them.

I remember my dad making fun of me because I shared diaper changes with my wife. I ignored him at the time, but today it would have been interesting to have asked him where he got such ideas and where did they come from?

We men often find ourselves isolated. Some of us have been able to develop good friends with our wives, but when it comes to close, intimate relationships with other men, we avoid them at all costs. A great number of men in our society have no real friend beside their wife – no wonder few survive if she dies before he does.

In the 1970s, women banded together in the feminist movement and found they could create better lives for themselves and their daughters than the lives they saw their mothers and grandmothers live. Perhaps it is time for men to do the same: to get together and work on developing deep, honest and trustworthy friendships with other men including their fathers.

What was your father’s life like when he was growing up? If he served during a war, how did that experience help or hinder his life? What were his hopes and dreams? What does he identify as his “dominant life values” and how has he acted on them? Once your father is gone, these questions, and others you may have, will never have a chance to be answered. Maybe today is the day you sit down with your father and say, “Dad, there are some things about you I would like to know…”

You may not get your questions answered, but if you never ask them -- you never will!

Listening to Other Christians

Sometimes it can be a real test of our faith when it comes to listening to those who profess to be disciples of Jesus. It is easy to be critical of them and dismiss what they say… however, we need to use an important filter when we hear things that just don’t seem to jibe with what Jesus taught. The filter is the LOVE FILTER: is what I am hearing and seeing marked by the radical lovingkindness of Jesus? Is it being kind to others? Will it bring about peace or discord?


Those outside our faith say they see us as “mean-spirited, judgmental and hypocritical” -- the antithesis of how anyone might image a person who said he or she followed Jesus would behave. Our response, the way we live our lives, should not be by building walls and further separations, but by building bridges, always acting kindly toward others, discerning the Jesus in each one of them. After all, being a follower of Jesus, no matter how we cut it, is being, as best we can, an embodiment of Jesus. This prescription is, course, as simple as it is difficult. And without God’s direct help and intervention through God’s Spiriit, impossible.

So, we must always keep our eyes on Jesus -- in our joy and in our sorrow, in our peace and in our desperation. Paul’s letter to the Colossians tells us that in Jesus “the fullness of God was pleased to dwell” and that when we open ourselves to Christ living in us, we become the hope of the world. Let’s give it a “go!” Are you in?