Come, Walk with Me!

Will you walk with me? As I try to cope with the death of Sabine, wife, companion, lover, best friend, muse, you may want to come and walk with me through this blog site. I say this, because we may be able to learn some difficult things together.

Let us remember that there is nothing more certain in our life than death. Everyone of us will die. And some of us, will be, as I say, left behind to “close the eyes” of a beloved spouse, friend or child.

Are you prepared for this? In my life’s experience I would have to sat, we prepared, we did the “right” things along this 13-year journey. But when it happened, I was not prepared for the glut-wrenching, flooding, lonely pain Sabine’s death caused in me. I, too, wanted to die, wanted to just run away.

I simply cannot imagine what her death would have done to me without out conversations about it, writing obituaries, our faith, and teaching others about “final choices.”

So, how did we prepare? When we received Sabine’s terminal cancer diagnosis in 2007 we were faced with a choice. We could either avoid it or embrace it. And I was lucky enough to have a woman in my life who believed the same that I did — we embrace this just as we did every other challenging event in our lives — when we encounter lemons, we make lemonade; we “seize the day!” We prepare. We decided to embrace the journey ahead of us — each day we were given, we seized it; we grabbed hold of it.. The short videos on YouTube we made last year are good examples.

We seized through the suicide death of one of my sons, we seized through kidney failure, a stem cell transplant, a failed effort for a kidney transplant, falls resulting in broken bones, a growth on her spinal cord, and just about every chemical and method known by science to arrest those cancer cells in her blood

And we went about this daily “seizing” for 13 years. When we met and fell in love we decided to be a team — team efforts are always better than individual efforts — especially a team of lovers!. Sabine always said, “Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful!” It’s true. It wasn’t perfect, but all in all, it was wonderful!

Now about retirement:

During my working years, I thought of retirement as something to go TO; an opportunity continue to grow; to even soar; not an end, a new beginning. I think I did that. I followed the advice that I gave to many of my officers who were thinking about retiring: “The question is not about leaving from, but going to. Where you are going? What are you going to do during those 20 to 30 years of your life in which you will be retired?

I often spiced up the advice by telling a story about a senior officer who had retired a number of years ago. After only a few years of retirement, he died. “You remember him don’t you?,” I would say, “He loved two things in life, bowling and drinking beer, but after he retired, you may remember, he gave up bowling.”

The story illustrates one of the challenges in our culture — the use of alcohol (and other drugs) to deal with life’s pains, depressions and disappointments.

I wanted to make sure I had something go to when I retired. And God Almiighty was more than gracious to provide me with a suggestion. (Another interesting story!) A week after I retired, and with the blessing of my dear Sabine, who had her concerns, I went off to seminary with her blessing.

I am now approaching another retirement brought about by Sabine’s death: retiring from being her loving partner and focused on her care. I am still blessed to be still serving a small Episcopal congregation near Milwaukee as we try and negotiate being a community “separate, yet connected.”

Just this week, a friend forwarded me a copy of Arthur Brooks’ article in “The Atlantic” magazine from last May. It was about “the hero’s journey” and why so many people (especially men), find themselves unhappy in retirement. 

In the article, Brooks wisely observes this about retiring:

“Plan to spend the last part of your life serving others, loving your family and friends, and being a good example to those still in the first three stages of their own hero’s journey. Happiness in retirement depends on your choice of narrative.”

This advice parallels the Hindu tradition of a man’s life (I write “man” because it seems to me that this is something men, more than women, struggle with. But I may be wrong).

In the Hindu tradition, a man goes through four stages in life: Student, Householder, Retired, and Renunciator. The last stage is the act of stripping oneself of all attachments; giving away all possessions and, literally, going about in loincloth and begging bowl! (You can read more about these stages HERE).

I am not yet at the fourth stage, but this does call me to think about its great potential to foster a person’s spiritual growth!

As for now, I am content in trying to do what Brooks suggests: to serve, love, and be a good example. Yet, within that, I hear the “Householder” in me saying, “Yes, David, but what are you going to DO — what’s your chosen narrative going to be?

What about you? What stage are you in life? And, yes, what’s your chosen narrative? What are you going to DO once you are retired and not hero-struggle? 

I can tell you that retirement will not be like your work days, but the choices you make could find you living in a very satisfying time of your life. Even with cancer, Sabine and I found a life of satisfaction and worth.

I will leave you with this piece of wisdom, “It’s never too late to have a happy childhood.”

We press on — we dance! 

I invite you to follow this blog as we embrace this journey and share what’s going on in our lives.