The New Normal

 Many of Sabine’s children’s and friends have taken great comfort in being able to see, via my photo-essays, the giving and joyful life Sabine enjoyed even after receiving a terminal cancer diagnosis.

Reminiscing through more than a hundred posts during our 13-year struggle was comforting as well as healing. I also wrote a lot of poetry which was my way of both grieving and celebrating.

In the following two poems, I tried to capture life as a huge photo album of images and memories. The second poem addresses what we did so many times after setbacks, accidents, and the ups and down of a score of chemotherapies — we, together, set a “new normal.” And that is what I am in the process of doing now.

I remember 2008. It was scary, terror-filled year for us; the year cancer came for a visit and stayed. I didn't know if Sabine would still be with me by the end of the year. I wailed at God. I prayed. I received 13 more years to say goodbye. What a blessing!

PHOTOS

i often
think of our life together
like a immense photo album
but the early photos
are not
black and white
they are all techni-colored
animated
vibrating radiant
they flash and dash
like a documentary collage
through my mind
and now
as we age
the expectant colors slightly fade
i look for them
wanting them again
the flashing dancing radiance
instead i find myself
walking with you
along a path
it seems like late fall
the summer colors are gone
but instead
something is new again
peaceful and calm
we are filled with deeply
rich tones
tones of an old sepia print
and we look at each other
knowingly
and fearlessly.

[December 29, 2008 -- on the anniversary of our 27th year together]

________________

NEW NORMAL

new normal we

proclaim after 

each

and every

life change or disaster

it can be

cancer

a change in chemo

death of

a child

and yet

that new normal slowly,

predictably appears

at our front

door

and waits

expectantly for

the invitation

we know you

we say

you’re welcome

to take the

room

upstairs

you know

the one

comfortably

we settle

back

on our couch

together

watching

a movie

yet

in my mind

my deepest 

thoughts

he will no 

longer be

welcome

here

no longer be

given

the room

upstairs

no

no longer

welcome

after you

leave

me

and my

heart

ripped

out of

my 

chest

and the

movie we

were watching

ends.

(April, 2015)

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