Knowing Our Fathers

Do we know our fathers?

Do any of us know our father? I mean really know him? At a recent get-together, the subject of fathers came up. And one of the questions was this: “Do any of us really know our fathers? Who they really are?” After some thought, no one said they really knew their fathers. Men most of them had spent most of their lives with, worked with them, lived with them.

For those of us who have already lost their fathers this is a sad reminder that our fathers had died with few of us being able to really get to know them. My father lost his father when he was in high school during the depression. Long after my father died, I learned from a relative that, as a boy, he was the one who found his father in the family car – dead of a stroke at age 53. What was that like? How did it affect him? How did he get through this terrible loss? For me, this would have explained a lot of my father’s puzzling behavior in his life. But it never came up and we never talked about it.

After your parents are gone you remember the things you’d wished you’d asked them. Maybe we were too young at the time to know what questions to ask our fathers. Maybe the only way we break the inter-generational cycles in which we have inherited (like not showing our emotions, attitudes about women, always being the strong one, and so on) is by intentionally confronting them.

I remember my dad making fun of me because I shared diaper changes with my wife. I ignored him at the time, but today it would have been interesting to have asked him where he got such ideas and where did they come from?

We men often find ourselves isolated. Some of us have been able to develop good friends with our wives, but when it comes to close, intimate relationships with other men, we avoid them at all costs. A great number of men in our society have no real friend beside their wife – no wonder few survive if she dies before he does.

In the 1970s, women banded together in the feminist movement and found they could create better lives for themselves and their daughters than the lives they saw their mothers and grandmothers live. Perhaps it is time for men to do the same: to get together and work on developing deep, honest and trustworthy friendships with other men including their fathers.

What was your father’s life like when he was growing up? If he served during a war, how did that experience help or hinder his life? What were his hopes and dreams? What does he identify as his “dominant life values” and how has he acted on them? Once your father is gone, these questions, and others you may have, will never have a chance to be answered. Maybe today is the day you sit down with your father and say, “Dad, there are some things about you I would like to know…”

You may not get your questions answered, but if you never ask them -- you never will!

Listening to Other Christians

Sometimes it can be a real test of our faith when it comes to listening to those who profess to be disciples of Jesus. It is easy to be critical of them and dismiss what they say… however, we need to use an important filter when we hear things that just don’t seem to jibe with what Jesus taught. The filter is the LOVE FILTER: is what I am hearing and seeing marked by the radical lovingkindness of Jesus? Is it being kind to others? Will it bring about peace or discord?


Those outside our faith say they see us as “mean-spirited, judgmental and hypocritical” -- the antithesis of how anyone might image a person who said he or she followed Jesus would behave. Our response, the way we live our lives, should not be by building walls and further separations, but by building bridges, always acting kindly toward others, discerning the Jesus in each one of them. After all, being a follower of Jesus, no matter how we cut it, is being, as best we can, an embodiment of Jesus. This prescription is, course, as simple as it is difficult. And without God’s direct help and intervention through God’s Spiriit, impossible.

So, we must always keep our eyes on Jesus -- in our joy and in our sorrow, in our peace and in our desperation. Paul’s letter to the Colossians tells us that in Jesus “the fullness of God was pleased to dwell” and that when we open ourselves to Christ living in us, we become the hope of the world. Let’s give it a “go!” Are you in?

The Spirituality of Men

If you have been following my blogs you will find quite a few of them addressing men and their spirituality. I don’t know who first said it, but it seems to be true – “Left on their own, the effect of a spiritual encounter for most men lasts less than 24 hours.” ( Now I don’t know if this applies to women or not, I can only speak for myself and what I have seen with my male friends).


I know that I have to work to keep the spiritual “fire” aglow and I have found that a group of like-minded men is the way to keep that fire burning. I can quickly fall back into my old patterns and old self without brothers in Christ around me. Thankfully, God has kept working on me, while I keep wanting to be the old comfortable person I once was and not the new creation to which God constantly invites me to become.

What all this boils down to is discipline, doesn’t it? Am we disciplined enough to grow into the man God created us to be? Will I be a disciple (of someone or some thing) which is, of course, closely related to the word “discipline”? Will we be content with being our old selves? (For me, the self I was before I said “yes” to God? And, looking back, the old self that caused a lot of pain and unhappiness to myself and others?).

Now the choice really is up to you and me. Looking back on our lives, the things we are most proud of, were they not all accomplished through discipline? (It was for me, my tour with the Marines, my time at the university, being a husband and father, and in my professional work. In each of these instances, I experienced early success and then had to do a “half-time” check -- which involved a brutal self-assessment of my unhappiness with my present self).

A self-assessment which asks us, “Are we being true to the values we claim are important to us? Are we being the best husband and father to our children that we could be? If we lead or direct other people, do we use fear and coercion to get the job done or do we use modeling, service, and fair play as the basis of our leadership? Looking back on over fifty years of my adult life I know the times I have stumbled/fallen/sinned and while it may have taken me a while to adjust my life and re-establish relationships with the people whom I loved, I finally think I have gotten closer to aligning my core values with my actions. Yet, I know I am not perfect, but I struggle in God’s direction and I hope my loved ones can see that progress.

And that comes to the importance of taking a time out – going into the locker room, so to say, of our life during a half-time break and asking ourselves these three questions about our IDENTITY, MISSION and ACTION:

1. OUR IDENTITY: WHO are we?

2. OUR MISSION IN LIFE: Why do we EXIST?

3. OUR ACTIONS IN LIFE: How do we DO this (act on our MISSION)?

This “half-time” or “life assessment” process is important for every man (and woman, too). It is the basis of who we are and what we will do in this life. While each one of us may have really screwed up royally in the past, we can make a new start – we are human beings – human beings have the ability to change; to transform and created new and better lives for themselves. That is the process of being the person God created you and I to be.

Don’t give it up! Become a disciplined person on fire for God. You cannot do this alone – you need to find other men who are willing to share their values, mistakes, shame, and hope for a better tomorrow; men who are willing to share their mission in life -- and be real about it. And you need to pray for strength and clarity.

When you find a group of others willing to go deep, to be accountable (and confidential), just remember one ground rule – “no bullshit!” We are good at being as unreal as are independent and unaccountable . God works best in community. Find yours. Through it all remember just that one spiritual maxim – “No Bullshit.” When we practice honesty with ourselves, we will quickly find God in our lives and in our hearts.

Spirituality of Denominations

Being an Episcopalian (Anglican) is not an easy task today. Anglicans from the Global South (most of Asia and Africa) are at odds with most of us in the North and West of this long-standing global communion which headquarters rest in Canterbury in the United Kingdom. I am often asked why I am Anglican and not some other kind of Christian. Being an Anglican (“Episcopalian” in America) was not only my family’s denominational choice, but also the conscious decision I made as an adult.


The first of many factors for me were the matters of tradition and authority. As I understood the early church, tradition was important was an important part of the Christian faith along with the writings of the leaders of the Church during the first four centuries. That narrows me down somewhat to being either Anglican, Roman Catholic or Orthodox. I have to admit that I have always been a lover of formal liturgy and I would be uncomfortable worshipping every Sunday in a non-liturgical church. For example, while I admire the simplicity of the Quakers and Unitarians, along with the praise music found in many non-denominational churches today, it would be difficult for me to worship in that way on a regular basis.

I love to worship God through song and even dance. This could easily put me into a Vineyard or one of the Pentecostal churches.

But then I would have another problem, how could I live without the Eucharist on a regular basis? I know my love for the Lord’s Supper reflects the historical and traditional side of my faith. I have always tended to center my worship life in the Eucharist. Without regular reception of this sacrament, my faith life would seem empty.

I love the history of the early church and its doctrines, most which come well before the time of the Reformation. This attraction makes me, of course, Trinitarian, biblically-centered, and theologically orthodox. I do not struggle with the literal truth of the virgin birth of Jesus, his miracles, or resurrection. I believe essentially what the Church as a whole has believed at all times and places down through the ages. I am not perplexed by mystery, nor confused by miracles.

But I also have found that I have to worship in a church that respects my reason and a church that is willing to be informed by God’s continuing work in creation -- through science, medicine, philosophy, sociology and other modes learning in the world. I cannot leave my brain outside the church while I worship inside. My faith must be reasonable and compatible with the intelligence God gave me.

Now what kind of Christian would a person be who rejects central authority, love church history and liturgy (including incense!); who loves joyful worship, and values human reason? I would have to say that that person would be an Anglican; a church that has a tradition of staying together even when disagreements are present:

A church with deep catholic (universal) and historical roots.

A church deeply influenced and formed by the Reformation as well as the Age of Reason.

A church in which there is depth and breadth and does not force belief. (It is more important for newcomers first to belong, then, later, to come to believe as we do).

An historic church, yet not unable to change.

We once believed in one, unbroken Church, yet we changed and embraced the theology of the Reformers in the 16th century. We once believed only men could be members of the clergy; we now have women in all three historic orders of the church where they serve as deacons, priests and bishops (but not everywhere throughout our Communion. We once believed that a sinner had to go through a priest in order to be forgiven; we now believe this is between a believer and God.

So things we once thought important to faith, have now changed. We simply believe that if we are true and faithful to God, we, as a community of faith, will eventually find the truth.

Therefore, we are a church on a journey. During my years, I have often found out that some things are not quite so "black and white" as they first seemed to me – and if I seek to be the love that Jesus taught (patient and understanding), I have a good chance of finding the truth he taught. In the meantime, I try to live with questions that, for the present time, I may not have answers.

This is why I am an Anglican and I encourage you to go through the same spiritual process – why are you who you say you are with regard to your faith? Even as we do this we must remember one universal truth – we are all one in Christ!

And that means for those of us who call ourselves Christian -- that we are first followers of Jesus and, secondly, members of a particular Christian denomination!

Barn Dance -- The Spirituality of Family

What are the spiritual possibilities of family? Today’s families are complex social groups – no longer is there a “norm” for what constitutes “family.” In fact, what’s that saying? – The only thing normal today is the setting on your clothes dryer!


When I grew up, a so-called “normal family” was mom and dad and 2.5 kids. I never knew another child whose parents were divorced. The operating values of those families were “duty and responsibility.” Not so today. Today’s operating values, I would suggest, are “happiness and fulfillment.”

Now I am not writing this piece to complain. We cannot and should not go back to the 1950s or 60s. But what we can do is to try and better understand where we once were, where we are now and how we can proceed into the future with integrity.

In the family in which I grew up, I was the oldest and had a younger sister. There was no divorce in my family memory – and no major apparent issues. “Issues” simply were not discussed.

But when I set out from home in the late 1950s, I seemed to enter a different world. I married young when I was in the Marines (it lasted 7 years and we had three children together).  My next marriage found me with three children from my first marriage, plus three more. It lasted for 15 years.  The third time I seemed to get it right. My wife and I have been married for nearly 30 years and we have three grown children whom we adopted.

Now that’s a complex family! Nine children ranging from 50 years of age to 26. Eleven grandchildren. Two ex-wives. Eleven grand-children and a range of relationships not only between me and my adult children but also between those children who share the same father, but not the same mother. Nevertheless, happiness and fulfillment were, and continue to be, important to me while I feel some shame about former marriages that, no doubt, come from my growing up being taught family is about duty and responsibility – NOT about happiness and fulfillment. Yet, I can say that I recognize the problems to which I have contributed and take responsibility for them.

As I said, this is a complex family with complex relationships. The only way I can explain my family is through a metaphor – the metaphor of a large barn dance. Everyone in the community is invited to the dance. Some show up more frequently than others. There is a lot of talking – as the years have passed more participants are engaged in the talking and more are testing out the fun of dancing together. In the early years, few came to the dance, now more are engaged and there is a standing invitation to come to the dance.

Over the years, I have found that I cannot participate in every dance, nor can I be responsible for everyone’s happiness and fulfillment. I have apologized to my children that I was not always the best father. In the early years, I invested a lot of my time and energy into my career thinking that a good father is first of all a good provider. I did what I thought was bests and now I must realize that some of the decisions I made (like divorce or spending too much time at the office) was harmful to my older children.

I know I was a young father and not always emotionally available. Thankfully, I grew older and I think I finally leaned how to be a good husband and father. I continued to work on my emotional/spiritual life. In short, I have tried to learn some new dances.

All this, of course, has not been easy on my large and extended family. We have suffered the loss of a grand-daughter… my wife has an incurable blood cancer… my youngest daughter, an army officer, is now stationed in Afghanistan, and a number of us have struggled with alcohol and other drug abuse. In our journey together, we have experienced personal tragedies, life-struggles, losses and divorces along with many joys. I tend also to include in my family those who were once married to my children and are now custodial parents of my grandchildren.

This summer, some of my children have organized a “barn dance” at our farm. I sense we all are trying to continue to grow our relationships… to forgive one another… and now dancing is becoming easier.

But the bottom line for all of us (and the spirituality of all relationships) is love – how to give it and how to receive it. How will we put aside our childhood family expectations? We, like our families, are not perfect. But my continuing prayer throughout the years has been for restoration and renewal – “it ain’t over ‘till it’s over!”

After all, ife is too precious and short to waste on anger and resentment when healing is possible. Life starts out slow. Remember your summers as a youth? They seemed to last forever. Now, as we grow older, it all speeds up. What was once a summer is now a decade! Therefore, it’s a terrible waste of our life not to enjoy it – not to dance!

It is in this process of “doing family” that God can be sought and found. The true spirituality of family is being able to see the face of God in one another; being able to put aside the regrets, pain, loss, and grief of our childhood and no longer let it dictate our future. What was was and cannot be undone – and that can be okay!

I pray that you, too, will be able to enter into and enjoy your family’s “barn dance” – after all, it is the only dance in town.

Blessings to each one of you!

A Letter to Young Men

[A number of years ago, I sent a similar letter to my youngest son who was about to graduate from high school. Upon reading this letter again, I am posting for all boys who are in the process of becoming men.]


So far I have had an interesting and fulfilling life. Reflecting on this, I think it's a result of some things I have held on to that have always been important to me. Some of them I learned early in life… others only recently… some with great difficulty.


1. Life-Long Learning. High school graduation is just the start of becoming knowledgeable. Be a life-long learner. Find fun and pleasure in learning things. Some things can be self-taught, but for others we need wise teachers. You will never be too old to learn. And not to continually learn in today’s society is to fall behind.


2. Work. Enjoy work and be happy there. If you can’t find fulfillment and happiness in your job, find one in which you can. Match your passion with your vocation. It's a lot easier that way. Work, while essential to living a happy and fulfilled life, can be both a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing because all the material things you need in life is a direct result of work, the negative side of this is that work can take over your life and ruin it and your family relationships. Work needs always to be kept in balance with your relationships. My father taught me three things about work: get there early, don't complain, and every job is a job worth doing well. What he didn’t tell me was that success at work usually means a sacrifice for the family.


3. Friends. I never realized until I was much older that a man is lucky in his life if he can count the number of his friends on one hand; that is, five real friends is a great achievement! It is always better to have friends rather than acquaintances. But friendship takes a lot of time and work. A friend is a person with whom you can trust and rely on. And that takes time. And you must be, in turn, a person who is reliable and trustworthy. My father always told me that you are only as good as your word. So be cautious with your words and your promises. Do what you say you are going to do -- and let your word always be your bond.

4. Family. If you choose to be married and raise a family, pick a partner who is first and foremost your best friend. Love is always about respect, mutuality and teamwork, not about dominance. Sex is always best when it is with a person whom you love and respect and to whom you have made a life-long commitment. When considering marriage, make sure you and your partner work well together as a team; that you share the same hopes and dreams, and that you have the highest respect for one another -- that's what sustains love through the years. I have found out that it is not enough for a woman to love you, she must also respect you. Gaining her respect is your job, not hers.

5. Health. Life is a lot easier if you begin to take care of your health at an early age. This we know about health, if we smoke, abuse alcohol and other drugs, drive recklessly, and treat others as objects, it will significantly shorten both the quality and duration of our life. Develop a life-long practice of eating well, getting enough sleep, and exercising. You also need to get an annual physical examination and take care of your teeth (and don’t forget about seat belts and sunblock).

6. Problems. Everyone has problems. Life is a series of problems. You cannot go through life without having some big ones. The test regarding problems is how we approach and handle them. My advice to you is to consider the problems you encounter as challenges -- 20 percent of any problem you encounter is the problem itself, and 80 percent it is how you respond to it. When confronting a problem, or other adversity, face it head on. Be honest with yourself, seek advice, consider your alternatives, choose the best one, keep the whole thing in perspective, and you will overcome it. After overcoming any problem or adversity, you will quickly find out that the farther down life’s road you go, the smaller the trouble related to it will seem.

7. Spirituality. God may not be big in your life right now. You are growing into a man and most men think they are in charge. My relationship with God through Jesus Christ has helped me live a better life. I can remember when God was in my life and when God was not. I now have chosen God. It is easy to forget God during your busy years of early manhood But there is a "big picture" out there -- and we are not the center. Two important truths exist: There is a God. And we are not him. Learn to know God, honor God and pray. Live a life of integrity. You'll be amazed how much easier and worthwhile your life will be.

I know that regardless of what anyone says, you will make your own decisions – some of them will be not the best and you will suffer like we all did, but as you go on into manhood -- learn from your mistakes.  

While you may have had a father that was absent – either physically or emotionally, or a father who did not live up to your expectations, that does not have to rule your life. Those of us who have come from a family without a father or a father who was abusive, we can break the cycle. We can be the men God created us to be:

“Created in the God’s image,
Wild without being cruel,
Angry without being violent,
Sexual without being coercive,
Spiritual without being unsexed and able to truly love."
(Anonymous)


Young man, I bless you on your journey.

Another "One Year to Live" Retreat

How could it possibly be that each OYTL Men’s Retreat ("One Year To Live") I have attended gets better and better?

One reason might be that it fell on the Feast of Pentecost this past weekend and God’s Holy Spirit fell mightily on all of us!

Or that we had men throughout the country who have attended OYTL retreats serving as “prayer warriors” – praying a number of times each day the retreat was in session.

Or maybe it was because we had broke the "denominational barrier" with a significant number of men attending who were not Lutherans!

But whatever it was, IT WAS!  And what WAS was powerful!

No man who opened his heart to this weekend could walk away from it doubting his faith or the power of God to transform a man’s life!

Throughout the weekend, the gifts of the Spirit were truly, visibly, and audibly present: “The utterance of wisdom… and (words of) knowledge… faith… gifts of healing…working of miracles…prophecy… discernment… various kinds of tongues…” and, undeniably, the greatest of all gifts of the Spirit – LOVE – lovingkindness pouring out upon us and the overwhelming sense and full understanding of God’s love for each and every one of us! (1Cor 12).

While I cannot disclose the specific nature of this retreat because it would take away from the experience, I can talk about what happened (again) to me. By going on retreat I get away from the frantic nature and “busyness” of my daily life and have a chance to slow down… reflect on my life… how's it working for me?  and what I need to do to make mid-course corrections.  Then by opening my heart, getting away from "competition and comparing" and letting God speak to me in his various ways my life is changed for the better (maybe slowly, but increasingly better).

Through these retreats, I have come to understand God's mission for me in this life and that I am a “work in progress” -- not a perfect work, but a seeking-to-improve work.  I have also been shown that I need to be more active in helping other men improve their lives and that is why the OYTL retreats have been so moving for me.
Here is my present Mission developed (again) at the retreat this past weekend:

I AM David, my name in Hebrew means “Beloved of God.”
I am a man, loving husband of Sabine, father, grandfather, brother and friend.


I EXIST to SERVE God with integrity as a DISCIPLE of Jesus Christ.


I DO THIS BY:


       Being a SERVANT LEADER.


       Working for JUSTICE, PEACE and LOVE in my sphere of influence.


       Seeking the face of Jesus in every person I know and meet.


       Not tolerating "bullshit" or passivity.

The next men’s “One Year to Live” retreat will be held again at the MacKenzie Center near Poynette, Wisconsin. The dates are September 17-19, 2010. God-willing, I will be there as a member of the staff team.

If you know me – and trust me – you will hear what I am saying and sign up for this retreat.  It will give you the opportunity to change your life for the better – this I guarantee!

Hope to see you in September!

Washed Another's Feet Lately?

I have been thinking a lot about what Jesus said about leadership, If there is one thing that would greatly improve the condition of the world it would be that those who were in leadership positions truly served and thought of themselves as “servant leaders.” In short, to lead as Jesus led. I can see the bumper sticker now, “How Would Jesus Lead?” Well, I think it’s safe to say that most leaders, even those in the church, don’t lead as Jesus led.

After all, Jesus said some very strong and specific things about leadership,

“You’ve observed how godless rulers throw their weight around, and when people get a little power how quickly it goes to their heads. It’s not going to be that way with you. Whoever wants to be great among you must become a servant. (Mark 10:42-45, The Message).

“It’s not going to be that way for you… you must become a servant.” For those of us in leadership positions, (by the way, that’s also raising children) how does this teaching of Jesus inform our life? Have we been able to avoid power going to our heads, throwing our weight around? Jesus led by washing the feet of his followers. You can’t demonstrate what he was talking about better than that! And he tells us to do the same thing (John 13:7-9). This wasn’t to be a literary device or a bit of hyperbole, but rather something we should in fact DO!

Maybe if we all did a little more foot-washing it would keep those of us in leadership positions from getting too big a head. Besides its obvious effect in our workplaces, it would also have tremendous implications for the church. I recently noticed, however, that my Book of Common Prayer does not suggest these passages on foot-washing and servant leadership be read at an ordination or celebration of new ministry.

Perhaps those of us who are church members should require those who wish to be our leaders not only to be faithful in prayer and study of the Bible, but also to be a servant leader like Jesus was. Wouldn’t it be a strong message when we came to church each Sunday if our priest or pastor (and, of course, bishop when he visits) to greet us at the church entrance, kneeling with water basin and towel in hand, ready to wash our feet?

But, of course, we all know why this most likely will never happen don’t we?

Go Tell it to the Marines! But Will They Answer?

Last year, I read Sgt. Jeremiah Workman’s book, Shadow of the Sword: A Marine’s Journey of War, Heroism, and Redemption (Random House, 2009). Sgt. Workman is a highly decorated Marine who returned from Iraq with PSTD (Post Traumatic Streee Disorder). When he returned stateside he was assigned to the Marine Corps Recruit Depot at Parris Island, SC. He said his job was to train Marine recruits and, as part of this job assignment, he was to psychologically pressure these young men to the point of at least three of them attempting suicide by the mid-point of their three-month training program. I was shocked by this statement and, as a former Marine, I wrote to Gen. James T. Conway, Commandant of the Marine Corps, as to whether this allegation was true and whether or not the Marine Corps condoned this type of training.

It has now been over four months since I posted that letter. After two months, I contacted Sen. Russell Feingold’s office in Milwaukee and requested that Gen. Conway answer my letter. They, in turn, sent a letter to a Col. Skuta who is the Marine Corp’s Deputy Liaison Officer in Washington, DC. I have yet to hear from either Gen. Conway or Col. Skuta.  What goes?

Now, as some time has passed, what is a reasonable amount of time a citizen should have to wait to receive an answer from a government agency? I know we are fighting two wars, but a four month wait seems far too long to have to wait for an inquiry to be answered -- especially one that should be a simple yes or no.  Either they do it or they don't.

Now you may ask, what does this have to do with spirituality? Well, to me and my deepest theological thinking, justice is spirituality with legs. I believe that as citizens we need to be concerned with what goes on in not only our nation’s criminal justice system, but also our military forcces. To me (and to Isaiah) the God I believe in is a God of justice.

A thousand will flee
at the threat of one;
at the threat of five
you will all flee away,
till you are left
like a flagstaff on a mountaintop,
like a banner on a hill."

Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him! (30:17-18)

The following is the content of the letter I wrote to the Commandant on January 2, 2010:


Dear General Conway:


As a former Marine, I feel compelled to write to you after having read Sgt. Jeremiah Workman’s book, Shadow of the Sword: A Marine’s Journey of War, Heroism, and Redemption (Random House, 2009). My early days as a Marine spanned a decade of both active and reserve duty. I always was, and continue to be, proud of being a Marine. Since my active duty days, I went on to continue practicing the leadership I first learned as a Marine NCO as the Chief of Police of Madison, Wisconsin for over 20 years. After over thirty years of service, I retired and became a priest in the Episcopal Church.


Most of my life has been in the practice of leadership and training others to serve and lead; a life that, I am sure, is also familiar to you. You come from a long line of great leaders – as a young Marine I was impressed by the stories surrounding Chesty Puller. Later on, it was Al Gray. I still remember a television interview with him on “60 Minutes” a number of years ago. During the interview, General Gray was shown addressing a number of Naval Academy Cadets who were thinking of joining the Marines. General Gray told them that if they decided to join his Corps, their “number one job” would be to take care of the men and women they would be privileged to lead!


During the late 1980s and early 1990s, I conducted numerous courses about leadership in police departments throughout across our nation. One of the videos I used was General Gray’s interview on “60 Minutes.” His talk with those Cadets illustrated in a few words what it meant to be a leader who serves.


In the summer of 1956 I showed up at MCRD San Diego as a young Marine in having joined the Marine Reserve a year earlier while still in high school. I arrived at MCRD a few months after the nation had been shocked by the death of six recruits during a recruit training exercise at Parris Island in April, 1956. After the court-martial of Sgt. Matthew McKeon, changes were made in Marine recruit training. As I understood it, part of that reform was to prohibit drill instructors from physically assaulting recruits.


When I arrived at MCRD, I remember being shouted at, stressed out, and brought to the point of near exhaustion – it was tough, but purposeful – and no superior officer ever assaulted me or hazed me. Personally, had I been treated in this manner I would not hold the respect I do today for the Marine Corps. Without being assaulted or harassed, I went on to become a proficient Marine on sea duty and later as a member of First Force Recon Company.


Over the years, I have personally directed my training staff that physical abuse and harassment of police candidates is strictly prohibited and has no place in our training curriculum. In fact, should a person do this they would be committing a crime. Over the years, we have learned about the negative consequences of this type of training when it is used by others.


Therefore, that is why I am writing you this letter. In Sgt. Workman’s book, he claims that as a junior drill instructor at Parris Island, he was instructed by superior officers to harass and emotionally “break” young Marines to the point of attempted suicide. Further, that it was a goal of the training cycle to break at least two or three Marines to this point. Is that true? Is that what we have become?


General Conway, I truly would like to know if this is currently the practice and, if it is, what you are going to do about it.


Anticipating a thorough and thoughtful response, I remain faithfully yours,

(signed)
The Rev. David Courtland Couper
Sergeant, 1518984 (Active and Reserve Duty: 1955-1968)
4th Infantry BN, 4th MAR DIV
Marine Detachment, USS Boxer (CVS-21)
1st Force Recon Company, FMF

The Spirituality of a Child in Jail

In the past, I have commented on my reluctance to do what Jesus asked -- namely, to visit those in prison (Mt. 25).  My reluctance has not been because of the prisoners, but because of the system one has to encounter in visiting jails or prisons.  Now that I am retired from working in the Criminal Justice System, and then as a priest having visited a number of persons in jails and prisons, I think I am more concerned about how the system treats its visitors -- even visitors who are there to help.  Our society could do a lot better with regard to making visitors feel more comfortable in visiting prisoners.  It has been my experience that system seems to distain the visitors as much as those who are incarcerated -- guilt by association, or?

Nevertheless, there is nothing worse for me than visiting a child who is locked up in either prison or jail.  Of all my life experiences, it is an experience that I wish I didn't have.  But within evry event or experience, I feel we must ask ourselves these questions: Why is God putting me here?  And what is it God wants me to do with this experience?  It is the answer to those questions which strengthens our spirituality.

This discussion comes about because I recently visited my youngest son in the Dane County Jail (picture on the left. The white building in the background is the City-County Building.  You can almost see the ground-level office in which I resided for over 20 years as the city's chief of police). 

My recent jail visits were not his first from me and his mother -- nor our first family visit to a jail.  Yet I have to admit that every time I go is a challenging spiritual journey -- almost a wilderness experience from which I would like to run from and a place in which I feel I am being tested by interior wild animals).  It may be difficult for you to imagine one of your children in prison -- it was, and still is, for me.  After all, I spent over 30 years of my life putting people in prison.  I never thought one of my children would be in that situation.

Each time it causes me to re-think parenting, how we treat addicts, and how we rehabilitate offenders.  After all, more than one-half (maybe as much as 3/4) of those in prison are there because of alcohol or other drug addictions.  Like many families of addicts, we have tried just about everything and nothing has seemed to work -- at least YET; at least so far!  It is difficult to understand the mind and actions of an addict.  Even when you love them.  In my life experience I have seen some things work for some people some of the time.  That's it.  So we have to keep on trying the "some things," some time again and again.  I also kknow that either the addicted person is rehabilitated, he dies, or she simply gets sick and tired of being an addict.  I have seen all three of these numersous times -- and, unfortunately, officiated at more than enough burials involving suicides, accidents and over-doses.  The greatest fear I have is that my son will die before he becomes sober and drug-free.  That is a frightening thought for me.

I went through that for years with an adult daughter.  Every day I thought I would get a call telling me she was dead.  Now, through the grace of God, she has been sober for 10 years now.  This became a blessing our of a very terrible wilderness.  So hope works and so does prayer.

So where is this going?  It is a father's sadness... my grief, my inability to "fix" my child... and yet still knowing that life is a combination of things -- of things not being fair... even unjust... and often my lament "Why, O Lord, me?"

But what I want to get out of this is to be able to put aside my shame... work through my grief and accept this situation and do what ever I can do.  And remembering that sometimes love has to be tough!  At the same time, like my experience when Sabine was first diagnosed with an incurable cancer, God stands with me.  God has got my back covered. God will get me through this.  I know this!

The Serenity Prayer seems appropriate here: 

"God give me the courage to change what I can, to accept that in my life that I cannot change.  And the wisdom to know the difference.  So be it!"

Filled with Awe: Coming out of the Omaha Men's Retreat

This is my second "One Year to Live" (OYTL) Retreat which has been developed by Lyman Coleman for Lutheran Men in Mission


. My first retreat was last November and you can read all about it at an earlier blog (November 16, 2009, "Talking to Men").

I am really passionate about this retreat for men. If you have talked with me recently you know. I went to Omaha with my good friend, Pastor Rob Nelson. We are so on fire for this spiritual experience for men that we committed to go to Omaha to learn how to be a team leader. It was our second experience with the rerreat and I think we both went up a notch or two spiritually! The word I have is "awe." And it comes from the New Testament. Those who followed Jesus were constantly filled with awe. In Luke's Gospel we read:

"Jesus said to the paralyzed man, 'I tell you, get up, take your mat and go home.' Immediately he stood up in front of them, took what he had been lying on and went home praising God. Everyone was amazed and gave praise to God. They were filled with awe and said, 'We have seen remarkable things today.'" (5:24-26).

Many of us men are paralyzed. We are paralyzed by a false sense of masculinity, the need to control and dominate, and the fear of being emotional and people finding out who we are behind our masks. What I again experienced at the retreat was not only release from the various paralysis and fear in my life (like my fear of Sabine dying) but also the same thing going on with the men assigned to my small group. Jesus was a man. He was not a pansie! Let's not forget that.

I can't give you the details of the retreat because it would detract from the total experience. But I can tell you that I would be prepared to personally refund your tuition if you didn't think it was a one of the best experiences you have ever had in your life. You can hold me to it!

Now... what do you need to know? You need to know that if you decide to attend you need to commit to being at the retreat from 5:30 Friday afternoon to 3 p.m. on Sunday. The rest is based on your trust of me and whether or not you think I would steer you or any other man wrong.

You can see a video of some men who were at a recent OYTL Retreat in Colorado at: http://www.youtube.com/user/EwersArchitecture?feature=mhw4#p/a/f/0/wbKfEa3JF3c and an application blank for the May 21-23 Retreat at the McKenzie Center near Poynette, WI can be downloaded at this site: http://lutheranmeninmission.org/events/oytl.html.

Now let me talk straight to you men: Unless you take time to slow down, go on a retreat and reflect on your life you will never find the peace and happiness you desire. You can work extra hours, make lots of money and have lots of toys to play with, but you will never find happiness in things and stuff. You may even think the woman in your life is happy until one day she walks out on you and the fight for your kids begins!

You may be half-way through life's game. If you are, you need to take a break -- like a halftime in a football game and see what plays are working for you and which ones aren't. Half-time is a time to change your game in order to get what you really want out of life. And I can tell you this from my own experience as a hard working cop and then pastor -- I have never met a man who on his deathbed wished he spent more time at the office or at work. What do you think that man really wanted out of life? When you think about having one year to live the really important stuff floats to the top of your bucket list.

If you bring your "A Game" to this retreat, I can guarantee you will get an "A Game" out of the remaining years of your life -- that is, if you have a year. I pray you do, because your wife and your children will see the difference and you will know the peace and happiness you have struggled to get but seem to be thwarted from achieving.

A Time of Refreshment

In the second chapter of the Book of Acts, Luke tells the story of the emerging disciples of Jesus and how Peter was emboldend by God's Spirit addressing the crowd about Jesus' Lordship and Resurrection.  This was, as Peter said, "so that times of refreshing may come..." (v. 20).  This passage is one of the readings for the Thursday after Easter and yesterday it deeply grabbed me.  I love it when that happens.  All of a sudden I am ambushed by God's Word.  Bang!  "Times of refreshment!"

Is this not it?  For me, this time of Easter is this "time of refreshing" that Peter talked about.  As Sabine and I have journeyed nearly two and one-half years through the darkness of cancer we are now joyfully experiencing the result of a positive cell transplant -- a "time of refreshment."

Each year at Christmas time I hear the words of the German mystic, Meister Eckardt in my ears reminding me that the birth of Jesus means nothing unless he is born again in my heart.  Unless Christ is born in us Christmas means nothing -- might as well give it back to Rudolph and Santa.  And on Easter, unless we raised with Christ, we remain dead.  We turn our backs on that "time of refreshment."

I hope you, too, have both felt the birth of Christ in your heart and have experienced the power of God raising Jesus from the dead.  I was emotionally dead that time in January, 2008 when Sabine was diagosed with cancer -- and yet here we both are raised again.

Brothers and sisters, that is the Christian journey, we enter into little deaths all of the time and the hope we have is our being raised again just as Jesus was.  This raising again, each time, can be for us a "time of refreshment."  Alleluia, Christ is Risen!  Enjoy and give thanks for this refreshment!

It's Been a Holy Week

I have to admit that I am an Easter guy.  For me, it is Easter that lifts up my soul and not Christmas.  I know that if we didn't have Christ's birth we could not share in his Resurrection, but the secular world seems to have stolen Christmas.  And while there is the Easter bunny, he doesn't (thankfully) command as much attention as Santa does!

This is Holy Week -- that spiritual journey we are invited to make from Palm Sunday (The Sunday of the Passion) to the washing of feet on Maundy Thursday, Jesus' Friday death on the Cross -- and now, beginning tonight, the GREAT EASTER CELEBRATION.

This past week, Sabine and I have been serving little Holy Trinity Church in Prairie du Chien on the Mississippi River.  They are a small, faithful group of Episcopalians who recently lost their priest who had served them for forty years.  We began this week with the procession of palms singing that familiar refrain, "All glory, laud and honor, to thee Redeemer King..."

On Maundy Thursday, whose name comes from the Latin, "mandatum" -- to command -- we washed one another's feet as Jesus asked us to do (for by being a servant to one another we show others we follow Jesus).  On this day we also celebrate the Lord's Supper together.  On this day we begin the three-day "Triduum:" one continuing path of worship from this day to Good Friday and then to the Great Easter Celebration!

As we left the church on Thursday evening the sanctuary is striped of it's paraments, candles and crosses in preparation for the Solemn Liturgy of Good Friday.  We began the Good Friday with the Stations of the Cross (using Joan Chittister's meditative, "Gateway to Resurrection," followed by the Good Friday liturgy which includes the Solemn Collects and an adoration in front of a large wooden cross.  At the end of the lituryg, we silently exit the church after sharing Communion from the Reserved Sacrament.  All the bread and wine are consumed leaving the Aumbry (tabernacle) which houses the Reserved Sacrament empty -- like a tomb.

All this is in spiritual preparation for the The Great Easter Vigil at sunset on Saturday.  At the Great Vigil we build a new fire, light the paschal candle and enter into the darkened church we left on Good Friday.  Prophecies from the Hebrew Bible are heard, and baptisms conducted.  It is also the time for all Christians to come forward and renew their baptismal convenants and be reminded of our baptism as we are sprinkled with holy water from the font.  Then the congregation exits the dark church praying the Prayers of the People.

Soon, the door of the church is opened.  I shout, "Alleluia, Christ is Risen!" and the congregation responds, "The Lord is Risen, indeed, Alleluia!" and enters a church filled with light, the fragrance of Easter lilies, and the joyous Gloria which has not been heard since the beginning of Lent -- "Glory to God in the highest and peace to his people on earth!" 

It is now that the Easter celebration begins.  Bells are rung -- rejoicing is everywhere as we all celebrate the first Easter Mass and partake in the bread and wine and experience the Risen Christ!

So this is why I love Holy Week.  It is a spiritual journey which both nutures and blesses me and mine.

HAVE A BLESSED EASTER.  Rise up with the Risen Christ!  Move out of the tomb which holds you and go toward the Light of all Lights!