Getting Back on the Horse

At first I thought I couldn’t continue my life as it was. At the same time, I was thinking about horseback riding; you know the advice, “After you fall off your horse, you need to get back on!”

With Sabine’s death, I had taken a big fall. How was I going to resume my life? And that quintessential question, “What will I be without Sabine?”

It had been almost a year since I had entered our small beloved church of St Peter’s in North Lake for worship. Now it was Ash Wednesday, the beginning of our 40 day preparation for celebrating Easter and Jesus’ resurrection.

Since Sabine’s death, I had struggled with going back into parish ministry. Would I be able to emotionally return to a parish we both had loved and served for the past 15 years? 

So, last night was a big test. When I got in the car with my trusty canine, Mocha, (who always accompanied us on our nearly two-hour drive east on the interstate to North Lake) I tried to assess what I was feeling. I made familiar stops along the way, gassing-up, stopping at Starbucks and Panera in Madison for coffee and a breakfast sandwich.

I had worked out a liturgy that would enable us to make a safe return to church. I was 14 days out from my second Covid vaccination, yet I knew I still had to double-mask, distance, and sanitize. The church doors were left open, 

medical screening questions were asked, and parishioners scheduled for 5-minute appointments to receive ashes and a communion host. I was able to greet each of them, “Welcome to St Peter’s!” and to thank them for their prayers and support since Sabine’s death.

What did I learn? This beloved community got me back on my horse. Yes, Lord, I can do this! Thank you (gratitude). You see, doing church is less about theology and right belief than about relationship. We humans desire to form beloved communities, places where we can love, be loved, and work on being less self-centered, more giving, and kind to others.

This is the tradition in which I was raised. As a Christian, Jesus is my way and I will not disparage your way (even if you think you do not have a way — but, of course, you do, even atheists have a way!). My call back to faith years ago affirmed that the Jesus-way works for me. And so I work to follow it and help others who are interested.

As a priest and pastor (and former cop), I am learning that it’s okay to ask for help, to lean on my community when I am having trouble standing. Last night, I learned once again what faith is about. Prayers and loving thoughts do matter. Dear people of St Peter's, thanks for lifting me up, bless you. Giddy-up!